Resonating Actions- Act III

A week after nearly making a fool of myself at the Doctors, the day had come for me to make a fool out of myself at the hospital i.e. the day of my scan. I was terrified now. I had gone to to the Doctors thinking the outcome would be me wasting their time but since I was proven wrong there, I was a little worried.
Ashley had arranged to come with me and attempt to be the knight in shining armour which was helpful as it kept me occupied, however only to a degree.
I had prepared myself for the worst, but I did not want to go in with a negative approach. Ashley could not stress enough how I 'will' be OK, so as he was so sure, I wanted to know where his knowledge was coming from

"...and what if I'm not? How the hell would you know?"

and as he obviously knew nothing, he answered

"well...If you're not then you're not, you just have to make sure that you get yourself through it"

This was the false-hope crap that everyone had been re branding as positive thinking, it hardly restores ones faith in positivity when it never turns out that way, which sounds dramatic but had I lived my life with this outlook on everything, through everything, I would be a deluded, worldly unwise and of course unintelligent human being. I hated this fake reassurance, it was not a kind way of seeking the silver lining in dark situations and luckily, so far, I had managed to surround myself with friends that were genuine and thought likewise so when someone ever attempted

"you'll be fine"

"they don't deserve you"

and

"it's their loss"

just made this so called positive attitude completely pointless, so how come the person saying such things has the monopoly to see and/or say how things turn out. Sure we can have our hopes and our interpretations but I could find no ray of hope, gum drop smile or the end of the rainbow in what dribble some people spout as in my mind it always raises the questions

"how do THEY know?"

and

"where is their evidence?!" 

So to start it in this situation and attempt to 'play God' made me want to shut out the sound and never take them seriously. I do not consider myself a negative person but I do like to suss out both the positive and the negative, for e.g. if the glass is actually 'half empty' as oppose to 'half full' then it is time top get yourself a top-up.

As myself and Ashley arrived at the hospital, I felt nervous, I turned to him and did the weakest thing anyone can ever do; admitted defeat...

"I don't want any of your Mary Poppins crap...! I'm scared. I don't want to go in in case it is bad news, I know it is wrong 'cos I need to find out so I can sort out what I want to do but I need you to keep me calm and not spin the fairytale shit on me. I'm going for a scan and the outcome will be whatever it will be and not some carried through life by angels rubbish that you are use to...OK?"

Ashley agreed so we got out of the car and ventured into the hospital and just as we reached the waiting room, Ashley said

"I think you will be fine"

It is the most annoying thing in the world when people apparently do or say things that are in an attempt to help but do the exact opposite as they clearly have no idea what they are saying, it is as though they are on a permanent Acid trip with their 'everthing will be fine' rubbish and it does in fact make them look like complete idiots despite the respect you may have for them.

The scan was very scary, not the scan in itself but the reason for it. The man had a good grope and then lathered some very cold gel over me. I scanned his face for any immediate reaction, there was a couple on unnerving facial expressions so I asked

"I know you are probably not supposed to tell me until everything has been certified but does everything LOOK OK?"

It was clear the guy did not want to say in case there was a chance he was wrong so he hesitated and strung his answer together

"Well...from what I can see, everything looks fine but you need to wait for the results to be certain"

That was enough for me, I had a feeling that it might be OK. I still had some doubt as I still needed my results to be checked and then I needed to speak with my Doctor. So I went about the rest of my day in a slightly lighter mood. I told Ashley and he was quick to dismiss it now as and 'all clear' but I wanted to wait, so I put on my brave face and went along with him as soon as he said

"That's it! You're fine! I knew you would be."

but I could not allow myself to be so naive, so blind just like Ashley was being right now, so I carried on playing along.

Two weeks later and the acting 'positive' was starting to tire me. I had not yet heard back from the hospital and I was getting worried. Both Ashley and Dave had come to the decision that it was best I assume everything is OK, but as this was regarding my health, I did not feel best to just assume. However when I returned home one morning that week, I had my letter of appointment with the Doctor, I started to panic. I had felt assured since my scan but now I did not know what to think. When Ashley ventured over that day he said he would come with me

"I thought you were OK about it now?"

he asked as though devastated at the shock of me concealing something. Ashley seemed to think he knew me which was a common occurrence with both him and Dave but they were never on the mark with any assumptions they made, they seemed to have this interpretation of me that responded and acted in such predictable way to everything, however they just assumed they were right as oppose to getting to know me and cast their assumptions based on that knowledge, they would have been a bit closer at least with that approach

It was nice of Ashley to try and maintain some positivity in the situation, whether or not he was being genuine he still made time off from whatever he usually he to come with me, I did address that maybe it was all apart of the act to persuade me that he may be a genuine soul but based on my better judgement, I could not trust him at all. However, we did get on so I based our friendship on that and that alone, it was his emotional crap that I could not grasp but if my time with Dave has taught me anything then it is not to trust anyone.

Later that week i.e. Judgement Day, myself and Ashley had found ourselves in the Doctors waiting room in silence, he leant across

"I think you will be fine"

 

I ignored him, it was obvious he was trying to reassure me but I figured it was best to leave those comments be and just wait and the I was called in, I got up and Ashley grabbed my arm

"Good Luck!"

I turned and said thank you, it was no fake positive remark nor was it some co-dependant line ripped straight from Mary Poppins, it was a well wishing comment either way, whatever the outcome and that was worth far more.

The news was fine apparently it was some form of varicose vain and the pills had calmed it down in time for the scan. Ashley did seem genuinely pleased followed by

"I told you!"

it was true, he did say. Later that night as Ashley left my flat, I got to thinking about Ashley's actions. He did show some caring but then also shown acts of not thinking about others at all but then we all do that in particular situations. He did not need to come with me, but he did, he seemed persistent on making me believe his words yet I wanted his actions to back up what he was saying. I was starting to think that besides his bull shit... I needed to at least allow a little bit of of leeway