Resonating Actions- Act II

The following Tuesday, I went for my test. Despite Ashley offering and offering to take me, I went by myself, I tried not to think about it. Luckily my sister had agreed to pick me up from the doctors just in case there was need of any company, usually I had been told before that lumps and bumps that had been found were nothing to worry about but it was nice that someone was there in case this one time it was something to worry about.
As I finally got to the Doctors, they had moved and I had not needed to pay a visit for five years so I had to find my way...so I grabbed myself a taxi.
Once inside everything had changed, it now looked more like a hospital reception than a Doctors waiting room. I sat there now anxious trembling at the possibility of the news being not what I want to hear, people were going in one by one and still I was sat there until the waiting room was pretty much cleared and then my name appeared on the screen so I went in.
I was feeling quite positive and hoping that I may be overreacting. I explained to the Doctor what I had found, based on Dave's description and said that I have not touched it since as I get squeamish. The Doctor was obviously very understanding and then suggested what it might be and that he would need to take a look. So behind the curtain we went, he searched around and said everything seemed fine and then in the exact same area as where Dave had discovered the Doctor said

"There is something there, does that hurt or cause any discomfort?"

"No"

I answered. I started to feel the room spin, black spots were multiplying, I pulled up my trousers and we went to sit down. The Doctor started asking me questions about my sexual health and then the room was spinning faster, I could not bring myself out of it, the sound of his voice became muffled and I tried so hard to think of something else to calm myself down before the lights went out completely. The Doctor then asked

"...are you OK?"

this brought me back a bit and trying not to show any weakness, I said

"yes I'm fine"

to which the Doctor corrected me

"Are you sure? You have gone very pale and disorientated"

I figured that I was in the right place so I admitted defeat

"No, actually I'm not fine"

I was offered a glass of water and a separate room to lie down, the nurse asked if anyone was coming to pick me up and so I had told her my sister was in the car park, or at least she should have been by now. I was very vague with the description of the car and said

"she is in a silver car"

I remembered there were quite a few silver cars there when I walked in so my description had not been that helpful but eventually my sister came waltzing in like some strict mother from the 1950's

"What's up with you?"

I turned, looked and laughed

"I nearly passed out in the Doctors room"

I had a plaster on my thumb due to cutting it at work, the plaster was bright blue and obviously in this occasion ...stuck out like a saw thumb, causing my sister to assume...

"you passed out cos you hurt your thumb?!"

she mocked unashamedly. I explained

"No, I found a lump so I thought I would get it checked..."

my sister, aware of my fear that this reality would bring asked...

"...so, did he find anything?"

slightly worried, I answered her

"Yes and then he started going off, asking all these questions and then I found myself becoming lightheaded"

she looked concerned, and asked

"What was it? Did it feel like a lump?"

I did not tell her the whole story, I could not. So I answered her

"I don't know, I felt it and would not touch it again. Apparently I have to have a scan"

After my sister had helped me make light of the situation, we ventured out to the car.

My sister dropped me off at my place and ventured in, I was OK, there was nothing I could do apart from wait so having someone there was not going to make it go away or take my mind off it but still there was good intention there.

After my sister had left, Ashley came over, we had arranged that I would let him know when my sister had left so they would not bump into each other and there would not be questions.
When inside, Ashley asked

 

"So...?"

 

 

I said that everything was fine. I realised this did not concern him and therefore did not need the burden of it.

That night we went out for dinner, Ashley paid for the meal apparently as I had been

 

 

"so brave"

 

 

I then forgot my intentions and said

 

 

"Don't say that just yet, until I know what's next to come"

 

 

I never was a good liar. We sat in silence for about a minute, Ashley was clearly trying to fathom it in his head just so he knew whether or not carry on seeing me through whatever I was about to experience. I knew deep down both him and Dave did not do 'sick person'.

Ashley still wanting to know if this would be OUR last supper then asked

 

 

"What did you mean 'what's next to come'? I thought you said everything was OK?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Nothing for you to worry about"

 

 

However out of the blue and also out of character he chimed

 

 

"Did they find anything?"

 

 

I told him the truth, if he was going to disappear then at least it would be down to his small mind.

 

 

"why didn't you tell me"

 

 

I did not tell him about my low opinion of him, he was older and liked to pay the playboy and when older men are confronted with the truth about themselves, they become an even bigger, bitter baby.

Ashley asked me how I was feeling and told me he admired my intention to not say anything and to keep it to myself, it may have been slightly vane but I could not tell him that I did not want him involved due to my interpretation of his character.

We changed the subject, slightly, Ashley asked about how my sister responded, what I was going to tell my parents and then how I coped with the news.

 

 

"You didn't pass out did you?"

 

 

I paused...

 

 

"Well...not exactly no..."

 

So there over the as yet undeserving bravery award that was a very delectable curry, I told him the truth about my day. Ashley was very accepting of the news and luckily managed to see the funny side of the situation and he may have actually listened, for once.

 

 

 

 

Resonating Actions- Act I

Too much analysis was making my head ring, I had my perceptions of these two regulars, which was fine in my mind. I did not respond too well to them distorting my opinion of them. It was all casual, I was fine with that. I had no intention of dismissing them completely but they wanted to do all they can to make sure they had another impressionable lay under their belt and also on their bed posts. So with this accepted in my mind, I let them be. I let them lie their arses off, I would let my mind drift off as they spoke about feelings, I had realised that despite me telling them that it was all fine and I did not need to hear their crap, they still refused to stop and if they refused to stop, I refused to listen.
It was a Saturday, I had been out with Liam and Martin when we arrived back at Martin's house for vegan tea, which was regular tea with Soya milk. Liam was telling us about his latest seedy friend, which turned out to be a friend who was married and fathered two children one of which was a year younger than Liam, apparently I had met the guy before which made the story all the more beautiful when Liam said

"you remember 'im, the one with the wonky face babe"

 

So I asked

 

 

 

"The guy was married, old enough to have a son your age and had a wonky face?

what exactly drew you too him?"

to which Liam answered

 

"He wanted to come back to mine and I thought why not?"

 

 

 

rendered slightly speechless and robbed of a suitable answer I said

 

 

 

"well...because of all those reasons I just said"

Liam came back with a complete fail of a comeback...

"Well he ain't 45 babe!"

I reasoned

"what difference does that make? He still has a wonky face a and a kid your age"

 

Martin, then lost his way with the conversation

"how did being 45 come into it?"

to which I said to Martin abruptly

"NOTHING! Look...Vegan tea!"

 

Martin had a thing for ginger girls, he had been very close to our friend Foxy who was very ginger. They had been on nights out together on numerous occasions, seen each other drunk and also hungover the following morning but...

"What the fuck babe! How ave you been drunk together and not 'ad sex! She is ginger and...well you're black! The myth alone should have secured you that glowing clout babe"

 

Shrieked Liam. Martin just laughed, he said he found her very nice but would get very annoyed with her should it venture in any other direction than where it is now, so Martin found a bottom line...

"She is a bit stupid and I would get annoyed with her"

 

The following week, I was doing my laundry when I received a phone call from a very hysterical Martin

Martin: "Foxy is my new housemate"

Myself: "WHAT?! How did this come about? I thought you decided she was annoying?"

Martin: "she is annoying but I need a new house mate and she has just started her new job"

 

not wanting to ruin Martin's optimism I asked

"What happened to just fucking her?"

Martin: "I can't do that, I'm not like that"

Myself: "You can't do that NOW no...! She IS like that so asking her to move in was probably not the best way to get her into bed"

 

and then out of the blue I passed on the gospel of my own experiences

 

"...The only way to deal with people like that, is to treat them the same as they wish to be treated; reel her in, get what you want and then toss her back out and then you're done"

to which Martin responded

"...and be like you?"

Martin's response stopped me in my tracks, he did have a point. I was giving out advice as if I knew better and truth be told, I was exactly the same just over a year ago. I had treated people, guys and girls, the same and then moved onto the next and now because of falling weak to emotion, I was speaking as though I was completely different to Foxy. I did not how else to respond to this so I agreed...

 

"yes, at least that way you do not have to deal with the burden of other people's needs etc. Think about it. If you don't get attached then no one gets hurt."

Martin pleaded

"I'm not like that though, I've too much love to give..."

There was a pause of silence and then we both burst into laughter, it was good that Martin saw the funny side of it, but it was not going to improve his chances with Foxy.

That night at The Haus Of Beige, myself and Dave had just been at it like two rabbits, I had been finding it slightly exhausting separating myself between David and Ashley. I had carried on seeing both of them for my own reasons but it did not take a fool to figure out which one was of more importance.

For both Dave and Ashley, I was there to serve a purpose and then it was time to go. I was all OK with this but the banter that came with it alienated everything. It was not something I could speak about with my friends. I was tiring myself out dividing my time especially when one night I had been out for a drink with Ashley and had wanted to meet Dave afterwards. I had not seen Dave as I was trying to see him only once a week and what with my doubts with Ashley, despite the night already being arranged, I had really wanted to meet with Dave instead. So after my meal and a drink with Ashley, he dropped me off home, came in and gave me my goodnight hug, I was worried he would take it further but this time, it stopped after a hug and then we said our goodnight and Ashley left. As Ashley walked away and as I was pushing the door to shut he turned back, I held the door and Ashley said

"I love you"

Pitying his attempts, I asked

 

"What?!"

 

Ashley looking like a small boy who had just been told off by his mother in front of a crowded room said

 

"...Nothing, I shouldn't have said that.

Forget I said anything.

I will see you tomorrow. Goodnight"

I quickly ended the night with a very quick

"OK, Goodnight!"

 

I slammed the door shut and despite locking it, I leant with all my weight against it. I then got my stuff together and called a taxi to go to Dave's. I was quite angry with Ashley at how stupid he thought I was. At least I knew Dave would never go this far unless he had had his minimum of three pints. It was definitely a safe place to be right now so off I went to Dave's house as secondly arranged. I was welcomed with some rampant action.

The next morning, I was woken by Dave's wandering hands. He was making his way around my torso, slowly and working their way down. I was dreaming I was swimming up until I was woken by my arousal to find Dave with my proud member in his grasp, his hands wandered around that area and were gently caressing until he suddenly stopped...

"What's that?"

Dave asked, as we met on a one night bout of fun which seemed to be lasting nearly a year, it was thought of as strange for him to have come across something that he had not yet noticed.

"What's what?"

I asked waiting for embarrassment

 

 

"That there"

he brought the 'abnormality' to my attention by touch, which happened to be on my right testicle. I flinched, possibly out of terror as oppose to pain  or discomfort. Dave asked me to touch it and check for myself, I could not bring myself to do it. I was as much a wimp with anything like this as I was at expressing my emotions. However in all honesty, I was terrified.

"It will be fine, nothing for you to worry about"

 

I said, in an attempt to change the subject and move on. Dave said

"you should get it seen to"

"I will"

I replied.

Later that day, after rushing home for the 2.30 ritual, Ashley turned up at my door. I was doing my best to not think of the abnormality Dave had pointed out earlier that day but Ashley seemed to pick up on something, despite acting my arse off...

"What's the matter?"

he asked, calmly.

"Nothing, why?"

I stressed quite nervously.

 

"You seem weird? Is it because of what I said last night? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it, it just came out, sorry."

 

I had completely forgotten about Ashley's dropping of the ball, no pun intended, on our little rendezvous, so I told him just that

"Oh, I had completely forgotten about that. I'm not paying it any attention to be honest."

He said

"Oh, OK. Well then there must be something else up with you?"

I was getting rather annoyed at the quizzing, especially when it was none of Ashley's business, whatever was going on with me, it was there for me to deal with and me alone.

"What makes you think that?"

I asked, to which he donned his assertive hat and tried:

 

"Because you're acting all weird, you won't hold any eye contact and you say it's not what I said last night so it must be something else 'cos you are never normally like this, so what is it?"

as I was contemplating an argument about what he said last night in an attempt to stop him trying to manipulate me, the truth just flew out.

 

"I found something on my right testicle and I don't know what it is!"

 

Or at least not the whole truth.

 

"What?! Like what? A lump? What?"

Ashley asked,

"I don't know, something...extra, something that should not be there, I get squeamish with things like that!"

Ashley smirked, and said

"You're gay and yet you get squeamish over balls?"

Truth was that I did not get squeamish over balls, I was just found myself squeamish over my own in case I found anything and others only if I was to find something, other than that I can claim that I am a fan! It started one day when I was in the shower before School, I thought I found something on one of my testicles and tried to search for it on the other, I had figured if it was symmetrical then it would be a vein or a gland etc but then I thought...

"What if I have it on both?!"

the room started spinning as my mind went on overdrive and then the next thing I remember, I was coming back too by the shouting of my mother from outside the bathroom door

"Are you OK? What happened?!"

My teacher was very amused the next morning when he received my absence note.

I explained this to Ashley and he just looked at me and we both laughed. It was silly of me but I was only 14 years old. Ashley said

"So are you going to get it seen to?"

I said

"Yes, I called my Doctor today and I have an appointment next Tuesday"

to which Ashley offered

"I will take you"

I insisted that I went on my own as I did not want all the 'you'll be fine' crap, I wanted to just go and wait and see with no idea of an outcome.