The following Tuesday, I went for my test. Despite Ashley offering and offering to take me, I went by myself, I tried not to think about it. Luckily my sister had agreed to pick me up from the doctors just in case there was need of any company, usually I had been told before that lumps and bumps that had been found were nothing to worry about but it was nice that someone was there in case this one time it was something to worry about.
As I finally got to the Doctors, they had moved and I had not needed to pay a visit for five years so I had to find my way...so I grabbed myself a taxi.
Once inside everything had changed, it now looked more like a hospital reception than a Doctors waiting room. I sat there now anxious trembling at the possibility of the news being not what I want to hear, people were going in one by one and still I was sat there until the waiting room was pretty much cleared and then my name appeared on the screen so I went in.
I was feeling quite positive and hoping that I may be overreacting. I explained to the Doctor what I had found, based on Dave's description and said that I have not touched it since as I get squeamish. The Doctor was obviously very understanding and then suggested what it might be and that he would need to take a look. So behind the curtain we went, he searched around and said everything seemed fine and then in the exact same area as where Dave had discovered the Doctor said
As I finally got to the Doctors, they had moved and I had not needed to pay a visit for five years so I had to find my way...so I grabbed myself a taxi.
Once inside everything had changed, it now looked more like a hospital reception than a Doctors waiting room. I sat there now anxious trembling at the possibility of the news being not what I want to hear, people were going in one by one and still I was sat there until the waiting room was pretty much cleared and then my name appeared on the screen so I went in.
I was feeling quite positive and hoping that I may be overreacting. I explained to the Doctor what I had found, based on Dave's description and said that I have not touched it since as I get squeamish. The Doctor was obviously very understanding and then suggested what it might be and that he would need to take a look. So behind the curtain we went, he searched around and said everything seemed fine and then in the exact same area as where Dave had discovered the Doctor said
"There is something there, does that hurt or cause any discomfort?"
"No"
I answered. I started to feel the room spin, black spots were multiplying, I pulled up my trousers and we went to sit down. The Doctor started asking me questions about my sexual health and then the room was spinning faster, I could not bring myself out of it, the sound of his voice became muffled and I tried so hard to think of something else to calm myself down before the lights went out completely. The Doctor then asked
"...are you OK?"
this brought me back a bit and trying not to show any weakness, I said
"yes I'm fine"
to which the Doctor corrected me
"Are you sure? You have gone very pale and disorientated"
I figured that I was in the right place so I admitted defeat
"No, actually I'm not fine"
I was offered a glass of water and a separate room to lie down, the nurse asked if anyone was coming to pick me up and so I had told her my sister was in the car park, or at least she should have been by now. I was very vague with the description of the car and said
"she is in a silver car"
I remembered there were quite a few silver cars there when I walked in so my description had not been that helpful but eventually my sister came waltzing in like some strict mother from the 1950's
"What's up with you?"
I turned, looked and laughed
"I nearly passed out in the Doctors room"
I had a plaster on my thumb due to cutting it at work, the plaster was bright blue and obviously in this occasion ...stuck out like a saw thumb, causing my sister to assume...
"you passed out cos you hurt your thumb?!"
she mocked unashamedly. I explained
"No, I found a lump so I thought I would get it checked..."
my sister, aware of my fear that this reality would bring asked...
"...so, did he find anything?"
slightly worried, I answered her
"Yes and then he started going off, asking all these questions and then I found myself becoming lightheaded"
she looked concerned, and asked
"What was it? Did it feel like a lump?"
I did not tell her the whole story, I could not. So I answered her
"I don't know, I felt it and would not touch it again. Apparently I have to have a scan"
After my sister had helped me make light of the situation, we ventured out to the car.
My sister dropped me off at my place and ventured in, I was OK, there was nothing I could do apart from wait so having someone there was not going to make it go away or take my mind off it but still there was good intention there.
After my sister had left, Ashley came over, we had arranged that I would let him know when my sister had left so they would not bump into each other and there would not be questions.
When inside, Ashley asked
When inside, Ashley asked
"So...?"
I said that everything was fine. I realised this did not concern him and therefore did not need the burden of it.
That night we went out for dinner, Ashley paid for the meal apparently as I had been
"so brave"
I then forgot my intentions and said
"Don't say that just yet, until I know what's next to come"
I never was a good liar. We sat in silence for about a minute, Ashley was clearly trying to fathom it in his head just so he knew whether or not carry on seeing me through whatever I was about to experience. I knew deep down both him and Dave did not do 'sick person'.
Ashley still wanting to know if this would be OUR last supper then asked
"What did you mean 'what's next to come'? I thought you said everything was OK?"
"Nothing for you to worry about"
However out of the blue and also out of character he chimed
"Did they find anything?"
I told him the truth, if he was going to disappear then at least it would be down to his small mind.
"why didn't you tell me"
I did not tell him about my low opinion of him, he was older and liked to pay the playboy and when older men are confronted with the truth about themselves, they become an even bigger, bitter baby.
Ashley asked me how I was feeling and told me he admired my intention to not say anything and to keep it to myself, it may have been slightly vane but I could not tell him that I did not want him involved due to my interpretation of his character.
We changed the subject, slightly, Ashley asked about how my sister responded, what I was going to tell my parents and then how I coped with the news.
"You didn't pass out did you?"
I paused...
"Well...not exactly no..."
So there over the as yet undeserving bravery award that was a very delectable curry, I told him the truth about my day. Ashley was very accepting of the news and luckily managed to see the funny side of the situation and he may have actually listened, for once.
