As time had passed, I was starting to see things differently, I had let things that had happened in the past effect me to the point that I had become cynical and also blind to what was right under my nose. I had given Ashley such a hard time about everything I had ever heard or experienced without giving him the opportunity to prove himself...but I still had my doubts. No matter what I thought I could do to give Ashley a chance and also for me to loosen up a bit, there was always a voice in my head telling me to not believe anything he said. I did not know him very well at all, but then how well do we know anyone? For decades folk have been climbing into bed with strangers without knowing what the consequences they face on the other side, however with gay men, the situation is quite clear and so that is how i had approached my encounter with men, usually apart from two exceptions Dave and possibly Ashley? As a man myself and from past experience based on me and also sleeping with men, it is blatantly obvious to men and women that the male is very much driven by sex...it is no secret. So no matter what we are told, by now when we jump into bed with a guy it is pretty certain that we are only there for one thing and once we are done, we turn our backs and walk away. As living creatures we do have our animal instincts and the bottom line is that is all we want each other for. We can sleep around for the best part of twenty years and then suddenly find someone to settle down with? No, otherwise why would gay men go on to sleep around well into their 60's?
Straight folk need to find the conventional destination. Men are simple creatures who will put their penis' in a blender if it meant achieving an orgasm and can act this way from adolescence, throughout their 20's and part of their 30's and then they need to settle for the latest one night stand, promise her the world and this time, instead of disappearing, he will kindly turn her into his mother...usually the woman will be happy for this as their instinct is usually to be the home maker, it is a tad Freud but a very true analysis.
So how does one explain Gay men? Again with a Freud approach, Gay men are believed to have a 'Daddy doesn't love me complex' which is not always the case, but it is apparent within the majority, Gay men are closer to the mother therefore when they grow up they constantly have their mother's 'unconditional love' and fail to need to take on a substitute so they sleep with older men when they are young to replace that 'Daddy love' and then younger men once they are old to provide the same service that they once received when they were young and also to give their substitute child the fatherly love they were longing for.
A narrow mind? Possibly. Despite old age theories about parent to child relationships ruining the state of the future generations and also based on anything that Freud has ever written, surely it is down to the individual and their own personal preference? Possibly, I have thought the latter. However I have been proven wrong in many occasions with people in consideration to the latter approach. I always try to maintain an open mind but sometimes it is clear to see that people such as Freud may have been on to something.
In a world where everyone is supposed to be treated equal...do not even get me started on that one, everyone seems to claim that all they want is to be happy... in occupation, relationships and as a whole... happy in life, in my experience this is probably true but until the Knight in shining armour, that we believe exists but only in the depths of our subconscious, comes to whisk us of our feet and take us to live in an ideal world, we sleep around.
I had my encounter of a certain kind of Knight, not necessarily in shining armour, but the armour that this person was wrapped in was a decent substitute to anything any material could provide. Dave was everything that this Knight fantasy was and also everything it was not. To be honest, I liked that, there was no dressing it up as something it was never going to be so we still kept seeing each other. I knew everything has an expiration date but I thought I would enjoy it while it lasted.
During my time with Dave I had met Ashley who had so far proven to be some form of rock. Ashley seemed determined to get me to believe he was genuine but I just could not see it, sure he would do something or make some gesture that made me think for a second that he could be geunine, but then common sense takes over and I am back to the right way of thinking... dismissive.
So during the whole health scare, Ashley had proven to be somewhat of a pillar of strength and I felt ok by that but made sure I was not too sucked in by it all in case it came back and bit me as that would be the likely story. So I kept it to myself that I held some respect for him but never went beyond my threshold.
My relationship with Ashley became quite comfortable, which usually scares me, I felt I could talk to him about certain things and be at ease around him more than what I could with Dave as I was always acting my behind off with dave, trying to get him to see me in a certain way while also trying not to let my feelings for him show. With Ashley, I was not pretending anything, I could be in a bad mood, let all my aggression out in front of him and he always managed to calm me down, I had no idea where it could go with Ashley, I had no expectations as to what could happen with Ashley, he said some heavy things every now and then but I let them go through one ear and out of the other especially when I was hit with the three words men should never be allowed to say to each other. However they are still just words which is why men do say it, because at least that way they do not have to waste time and money on proving it?
Narrow minded? No.
I kept on hearing it and the more I heard it the more my feelings started to diminish for Ashley, could he really think I'm that stupid?
Ashley would offer to help me with things from repairs, to giving me a lift to even buying things for me. I would decline. It was never a good idea to sacrifice your own independance nor lead someone into the wrong impression that I could be bought. The only thing I could do for Ashley until everything was crystal clear, was consider seeing him exclusively...as well as Dave.
A month later after having spent a night at the Haus Of Beige i.e. Dave's house, Dave had very kindly informed me that he would be going away for a month or two for a break and to go travelling. I was gutted, not seeing Dave for a whole week left me pining so who knows after a month! Two months! It seemed barbaric. How would I cope?! Sure I had my substitue but he was starting to cry "Love" and that would have driven me to throw myself out of a window.
On the walk home after acting my arse off and pretending I was fine with the disappearance of Dave, I contemplated my options, I had wanted to be released from Dave for so long and now this could be my opportunity? It did not feel like an opportunity, instead it felt like a loss instead of a gain.
That Day Ashley came over again at 2.30pm as always, He sensed something was wrong, he would not let it drop but I told him I was fine.
Two weeks had passed, Dave's trip was all booked and Ashley was still not letting up with the love crap, what is his problem?!
I wanted Ashley in my life, I had made no secret of that, he had not made anything clear as to whether it was all or nothing, he just kept on and on and on about this so called Love! I did not want to succumb to it in case the consequences were too much to bare.
Later that week, myself and Ashley went out for a meal, Ashley paid. Ashley never let me pay, it was infuriating not to mention patronising. After the meal we went to a bar, a nice steady independant gastro styled pub which had a nice calm but not too quiet atmosphere and so over a pint we were sat at the back talking about 'us' whatever 'us' was it was still not an exciting conversation as I was scared the 'L' word would raise it's ugly face like a demon in a computer game that takes forever to die. We spoke about future plans and where we see ourselves in the future, Ashley said he sees himself lying on a beach somewhere. I was waiting for a shitty second hand line but then he looked straight into my eyes and said
"You do realise this is all temporary, don't you?"
I made a joke...
"What? you paying? in that case I'll have another quickly!"
Ashley smirked, looked down at his glass and then back up and into my eyes and responded
"I meant THIS, you and me. I care about you a lot and would hate to see you with someone else but I am older than you"
I reamained calm, I was aware that the situation could not progress but that was due to my trust in him.
"you are the one who says the things you say, you are the one who wanted to come with me to the hospital and you are the one who insists to pay for the meal here tonight. So what impression are you trying to create?"
Still I remained calm, however inside I was furious. Ashley had used every ounce of heaviness he had brought to whatever set up this was and turned it all back on me as if his game playing had worked and I had fallen for everything he had ever spun on me. When in truth, I had not believed a single word that left his lips.
"oh I don't know, I meant those things I said, I like spending time with you and I don't give a shit paying for a meal that we enjoy together"
clearly more games were to come, so I smiled and changed the subject
"Where are we going to next?"
The following morning I woke, quite angry at how stupid Ashley thought I was. I had given him a hard time with things because I knew he was lying and now he had given me the low down on exactly what our relationship is as though I had been hearing wedding bells in my tiny little brain and needed to be told, the guy had got me all wrong and now I felt as though I was made to look the stupid one. I text him saying I was busy for the rest of the day as I was visiting my sister, I decided not to contact him after that unless he contacted me and then I received a text message from Dean, my funtime rugby player:
"Hey you! remember me?
you free this lunch time?
I have my rugby kit with me"
How could I forget Dean, the guy was amazing in bed, during our encounters, I had always found the effect Dean had on me just by walking through the door to be captivating, today was no exception.
When Dean arrived, he walked in wearing a fitting ensemble; white shirt, straight tie and very fitted trousers that eccentuated his well toned thighs and the perfect modesty of his bulge.
"How you been?"
he said as he moved closer to me
"Oh you know, same old"
I said to cut the conversation dead. He looked straight over at me, bit his bottom lip, walked even closer to me casually and pulled me against him so as our waists were touching and kissed me, his hands wandering like a hungry bear. Dean knew how to handle me in bed, he said the right things, touched the right places and moved in the right way but this time he had brought something new to the table. Dean moved both his hands up my back and onto my shoulders and leaning in halfway himself, he whispered
"Do you like Poppers?"
I had not used poppers since I was 16 when my friend had some and we thought we were being experimental. I said that I was unsure as I had not taken any during sex. Dean went over to his jacket and pulled out a little brown bottle with a white safety lid, inhaled and he passed them over to me. I took in a slow breath and as I felt his strong hands around my waist and his strong, firm thighs rub against the back of mine with each thrust I let the warm tingle take over. For this moment I was his, for him to do whatever he wanted with and without disappointment Dean took control.
Dean had always been one of those guys that I could just get on with in a civil way; he would come over, we would have great sex and catch up but I found that we really would react to what the other was saying and then once were were done with the matter in hand, we would let things lie until next time we met up.
There was no fasleness with Dean, there was never any need to be, we knew exactly where we stood with each other without crying 'Wolf' and to me in consideration with everything else was perfect.
