Diminishing Trust

Week in week out, things were going relatively OK with Ashley and Dave. They were both behaving themselves in what they were saying. I had reduced my time with Dave down to once a week, considering the circumstances I found this vital as we were getting on a lot better.
Ashley had learnt to keep calm about what he allowed to fly out of his mouth so things were going fine.
I had joined a new profile website that was proving to be a bit of a hit with me, I had met a couple of guys from there but nothing worth shouting from the rooftops about. One guy did stand out for a second which was purely down to his aesthetic, that is until I compared facial features, his nose was different in each picture. we had had conversations through chat rooms and private chat rooms, no camera action or meet though and now there was never going to be. If the guy cannot send me a genuine picture then how will I know which one is ever going to be him and if he is worth meeting.
I had had quite a busy week at work as I was up for promotion, I had been longing for it for a while and considering the staff turnover of late I felt that I had aquired enough skills for the role as well as shown that I could do the job blindfolded.
I had my trial shifts within the role so that my manager could see how I adapted to the it, he liked my ideas and liked the way I was running things as well as how the other staff had accepted me in the role so far. After four years, I finally felt as though I was on that metaphorical ladder.
Everything was a first, I had been given tasks that were not part of my previous role which I accepted and I felt I took on with confidence and was then greeted with some inspiring recognition. I dealt with things on my own iniative which had become a bit of a rare thing in my previous role so now I was running with it. My manager had told me that in order to be a good manager I need to be confident in taking risks which I found fine but at the end of that day as he was leaving, he turned and said

"If you are stuck with anything, make sure you call me"

I paused...did he not already tell me to take risks? I did not think too much into it and carried on logging the deliveries for the day. So far this week I had been logging data for deliveries and controlling stock, making phone calls right, left and centre. I had dealt with everything and had some very good, and helpful feedback such as which parts I could improve and there were not that many.

The end of the week came and Ashley had agreed to 'treat' ourselves with a weekend in Manchester. The hotel was very nice, a clear, clean lobby and everywhere smelt like a hint of oranges. Our room was like an apartment; very spacious with a nice view of the city, including the infamous Canal Street.

We went for food at this mediterranean restaurant where we sopke on life and what we intend to do with it, I said what I would like to do with mine, both realistically and what I had dreamed for the past 13 years. Ashley then spoke more on the 'lying on a beach somewhere' dream and told me he had wanted to move to Thailand. I looked up in shock. Ashley?! Culture?! surely not? He was the son of a butcher after all... or at least that is what I was told. However he was the gay son of a butcher so I doubt that would have been what a small town butcher would have wanted. Ashley looked at me and said

"Things have changed now that I have met you...unless you want to come with me?"

After the drinks we then for drinks down Canal Street. We walked into this bar and there were hot men everywhere, I felt like a kid at Christmas. I had no idea where to look! Especially with Ashley stood next to me, however he seemed irrelevant at this point. Screw his lies and fairy tales Thailand, which were probably all a load of rubbish, I needed a man!

We sat down on the stripy sofa underneath one of many of the dim lit chandaliers. We sat talking about our relationship...I did not really care about nonsense at this point, I wanted a whole lot of nonsense with someone else in the mens room right this minute... but Ashley was still talking.

"Are you listening?"

He yelped

"Of course"

I cried

"so how about coming to Thailand with me?"

"Oh, I'm sure you don't want me tagging along on your little expedition. You probably have a wife chained to the kitchen or some twink locked in your basement who you would rather take"

I figured a joke may make prompt him to ease off.

"no, not at all"

he pleaded. Pushing my luck, I said

"is it both? She hasnt been able to leave to kitchen since the 1950's so she wouldnt know about the twink in the basement"

He got the joke. So he attempted a joke of his own...

"why don't you come and replace both of them?"

"Oh you don't want me, you're too perverted for that, once I show any sign of aging you will be on to the next young boy that minces past"

as the words left my mouth, I realised that it didnt feel as though I was exaggerating Ashley was older, which I had no issue with but I was aware of how he liked his younger men. By comparison I was probably the most mature and that is why he thought he could spin the lies on me so easily because I act a certain way but still have the mind and outlook of a 26 year old. He could not have been more wrong. I was onto him and this stupidly ridiculous life he was trying to sell so as he started talking about private jets and keeping me in nice clothes and well looked after, I said...

"Losingmymind69"

"What?!"

he said, looking at me as if I was insane.

"That was you on that profile site! You played that song in the car and then set up a profile to try and catch me with those pictures with the dodgy nose! It's hardly sublte!"

 

"What?! why would I do that when have you?"

"but you don't have me! Execpt in the same way you have everyone else"

I downed my drink and left, I had no idea what I was doing, would I find another hotel? I found I had the other key to the hotel and made my way back.
I could hear Ashley calling me, it was so embarrassing but if I turn around now, he will think he has got me wrapped around his little finger.
Back in the hotel room, I figured I may as well go the full length and sit in the dark. It was far too dramatic but I was enjoying the way it had turned around...even if it was childish.
Ashley came in slightly out of breath

"what the bloody hell are you doing?! Are ou trying to give me a heart attack?! I couldnt see you through people out there!"

"Who do you think you are trying to trap me? You give me your shitty little lines, pretending it's some Home and Away episode, set up a very bad profile and then feed me some crap about private jets! I am not THAT kind of person!"

Ashley looked straight at me.


"I know, I'm sorry. I want you so much and I want you to want me so I wanted to see how to get that"


I had no way of reasoning, the guy was never going to stop lying.

"well..., if that is really what you are trying to do then you are going the wrong way about it completely because I am having trouble believing you and you just will not let up. You give me your crap and have been for quite some time now and I have already spoken with you about it and it has not stopped. I don't want some one who has nothing better to do than bang on about irrelevant things such as private jets...it doesnt interest me!"

Ashley started going on about how I knew nothing about his life, it was completely irrelevant to what we were originally talking about, maybe he wanted to go off topic? Maybe he wanted to turn the arguement around so I was somehow to blame? I had however been pleadeing with this guy for months to stop making everything heavier than what it was and it was not sinking in. I should have by now ended it...whatever IT was.

The following morning we woke, we went for a walk, had breakfast together went for lunch and also managed to fit some bedtime in between. It was as though last night had never happened, maybe we needed to let of some steam or maybe we were both just trying to forget it had happened.

It was a nice weekend despite the arguement. Ashley did promise to never try and trap me with fake profiles again, but I always made sure I analysised every picture that was send to me.

A Narrow Mind?

As time had passed, I was starting to see things differently, I had let things that had happened in the past effect me to the point that I had become cynical and also blind to what was right under my nose. I had given Ashley such a hard time about everything I had ever heard or experienced without giving him the opportunity to prove himself...but I still had my doubts. No matter what I thought I could do to give Ashley a chance and also for me to loosen up a bit, there was always a voice in my head telling me to not believe anything he said. I did not know him very well at all, but then how well do we know anyone? For decades folk have been climbing into bed with strangers without knowing what the consequences they face on the other side, however with gay men, the situation is quite clear and so that is how i had approached my encounter with men, usually apart from two exceptions Dave and possibly Ashley? As a man myself and from past experience based on me and also sleeping with men, it is blatantly obvious to men and women that the male is very much driven by sex...it is no secret. So no matter what we are told, by now when we jump into bed with a guy it is pretty certain that we are only there for one thing and once we are done, we turn our backs and walk away. As living creatures we do have our animal instincts and the bottom line is that is all we want each other for. We can sleep around for the best part of twenty years and then suddenly find someone to settle down with? No, otherwise why would gay men go on to sleep around well into their 60's?
Straight folk need to find the conventional destination. Men are simple creatures who will put their penis' in a blender if it meant achieving an orgasm and can act this way from adolescence, throughout their 20's and part of their 30's and then they need to settle for the latest one night stand, promise her the world and this time, instead of disappearing, he will kindly turn her into his mother...usually the woman will be happy for this as their instinct is usually to be the home maker, it is a tad Freud but a very true analysis.
So how does one explain Gay men? Again with a Freud approach, Gay men are believed to have a 'Daddy doesn't love me complex' which is not always the case, but it is apparent within the majority, Gay men are closer to the mother therefore when they grow up they constantly have their mother's 'unconditional love' and fail to need to take on a substitute so they sleep with older men when they are young to replace that 'Daddy love' and then younger men once they are old to provide the same service that they once received when they were young and also to give their substitute child the fatherly love they were longing for.
A narrow mind? Possibly. Despite old age theories about parent to child relationships ruining the state of the future generations and also based on anything that Freud has ever written, surely it is down to the individual and their own personal preference? Possibly, I have thought the latter. However I have been proven wrong in many occasions with people in consideration to the latter approach. I always try to maintain an open mind but sometimes it is clear to see that people such as Freud may have been on to something.
In a world where everyone is supposed to be treated equal...do not even get me started on that one, everyone seems to claim that all they want is to be happy... in occupation, relationships and as a whole... happy in life, in my experience this is probably true but until the Knight in shining armour, that we believe exists but only in the depths of our subconscious, comes to whisk us of our feet and take us to live in an ideal world, we sleep around.
I had my encounter of a certain kind of Knight, not necessarily in shining armour, but the armour that this person was wrapped in was a decent substitute to anything any material could provide. Dave was everything that this Knight fantasy was and also everything it was not. To be honest, I liked that, there was no dressing it up as something it was never going to be so we still kept seeing each other. I knew everything has an expiration date but I thought I would enjoy it while it lasted.
During my time with Dave I had met Ashley who had so far proven to be some form of rock. Ashley seemed determined to get me to believe he was genuine but I just could not see it, sure he would do something or make some gesture that made me think for a second that he could be geunine, but then common sense takes over and I am back to the right way of thinking... dismissive.
So during the whole health scare, Ashley had proven to be somewhat of a pillar of strength and I felt ok by that but made sure I was not too sucked in by it all in case it came back and bit me as that would be the likely story. So I kept it to myself that I held some respect for him but never went beyond my threshold.
My relationship with Ashley became quite comfortable, which usually scares me, I felt I could talk to him about certain things and be at ease around him more than what I could with Dave as I was always acting my behind off with dave, trying to get him to see me in a certain way while also trying not to let my feelings for him show. With Ashley, I was not pretending anything, I could be in a bad mood, let all my aggression out in front of him and he always managed to calm me down, I had no idea where it could go with Ashley, I had no expectations as to what could happen with Ashley, he said some heavy things every now and then but I let them go through one ear and out of the other especially when I was hit with the three words men should never be allowed to say to each other. However they are still just words which is why men do say it, because at least that way they do not have to waste time and money on proving it?

Narrow minded? No.

I kept on hearing it and the more I heard it the more my feelings started to diminish for Ashley, could he really think I'm that stupid?
Ashley would offer to help me with things from repairs, to giving me a lift to even buying things for me. I would decline. It was never a good idea to sacrifice your own independance nor lead someone into the wrong impression that I could be bought. The only thing I could do for Ashley until everything was crystal clear, was consider seeing him exclusively...as well as Dave.
A month later after having spent a night at the Haus Of Beige i.e. Dave's house, Dave had very kindly informed me that he would be going away for a month or two for a break and to go travelling. I was gutted, not seeing Dave for a whole week left me pining so who knows after a month! Two months! It seemed barbaric. How would I cope?! Sure I had my substitue but he was starting to cry "Love" and that would have driven me to throw myself out of a window.
On the walk home after acting my arse off and pretending I was fine with the disappearance of Dave, I contemplated my options, I had wanted to be released from Dave for so long and now this could be my opportunity? It did not feel like an opportunity, instead it felt like a loss instead of a gain.
That Day Ashley came over again at 2.30pm as always, He sensed something was wrong, he would not let it drop but I told him I was fine.
Two weeks had passed, Dave's trip was all booked and Ashley was still not letting up with the love crap, what is his problem?!
I wanted Ashley in my life, I had made no secret of that, he had not made anything clear as to whether it was all or nothing, he just kept on and on and on about this so called Love! I did not want to succumb to it in case the consequences were too much to bare.
Later that week, myself and Ashley went out for a meal, Ashley paid. Ashley never let me pay, it was infuriating not to mention patronising. After the meal we went to a bar, a nice steady independant gastro styled pub which had a nice calm but not too quiet atmosphere and so over a pint we were sat at the back talking about 'us' whatever 'us' was it was still not an exciting conversation as I was scared the 'L' word would raise it's ugly face like a demon in a computer game that takes forever to die. We spoke about future plans and where we see ourselves in the future, Ashley said he sees himself lying on a beach somewhere. I was waiting for a shitty second hand line but then he looked straight into my eyes and said

"You do realise this is all temporary, don't you?"

I made a joke...

"What? you paying? in that case I'll have another quickly!"

Ashley smirked, looked down at his glass and then back up and into my eyes and responded

"I meant THIS, you and me. I care about you a lot and would hate to see you with someone else but I am older than you"

I reamained calm, I was aware that the situation could not progress but that was due to my trust in him.

"you are the one who says the things you say, you are the one who wanted to come with me to the hospital and you are the one who insists to pay for the meal here tonight. So what impression are you trying to create?"

Still I remained calm, however inside I was furious. Ashley had used every ounce of heaviness he had brought to whatever set up this was and turned it all back on me as if his game playing had worked and I had fallen for everything he had ever spun on me. When in truth, I had not believed a single word that left his lips.

"oh I don't know, I meant those things I said, I like spending time with you and I don't give a shit paying for a meal that we enjoy together"

clearly more games were to come, so I smiled and changed the subject

"Where are we going to next?"

The following morning I woke, quite angry at how stupid Ashley thought I was. I had given him a hard time with things because I knew he was lying and now he had given me the low down on exactly what our relationship is as though I had been hearing wedding bells in my tiny little brain and needed to be told, the guy had got me all wrong and now I felt as though I was made to look the stupid one. I text him saying I was busy for the rest of the day as I was visiting my sister, I decided not to contact him after that unless he contacted me and then I received a text message from Dean, my funtime rugby player:

"Hey you! remember me?

you free this lunch time?

I have my rugby kit with me"

How could I forget Dean, the guy was amazing in bed, during our encounters, I had always found the effect Dean had on me just by walking through the door to be captivating, today was no exception.
When Dean arrived, he walked in wearing a fitting ensemble; white shirt, straight tie and very fitted trousers that eccentuated his well toned thighs and the perfect modesty of his bulge.

"How you been?"

he said as he moved closer to me

"Oh you know, same old"

I said to cut the conversation dead. He looked straight over at me, bit his bottom lip, walked even closer to me casually and pulled me against him so as our waists were touching and kissed me, his hands wandering like a hungry bear. Dean knew how to handle me in bed, he said the right things, touched the right places and moved in the right way but this time he had brought something new to the table. Dean moved both his hands up my back and onto my shoulders and leaning in halfway himself, he whispered

"Do you like Poppers?"

I had not used poppers since I was 16 when my friend had some and we thought we were being experimental. I said that I was unsure as I had not taken any during sex. Dean went over to his jacket and pulled out a little brown bottle with a white safety lid, inhaled and he passed them over to me. I took in a slow breath and as I felt his strong hands around my waist and his strong, firm thighs rub against the back of  mine with each thrust I let the warm tingle take over. For this moment I was his, for him to do whatever he wanted with and without disappointment Dean took control.
Dean had always been one of those guys that I could just get on with in a civil way; he would come over, we would have great sex and catch up but I found that we really would react to what the other was saying and then once were were done with the matter in hand, we would let things lie until next time we met up.
There was no fasleness with Dean, there was never any need to be, we knew exactly where we stood with each other without crying 'Wolf' and to me in consideration with everything else was perfect.

Resonating Actions- Act III

A week after nearly making a fool of myself at the Doctors, the day had come for me to make a fool out of myself at the hospital i.e. the day of my scan. I was terrified now. I had gone to to the Doctors thinking the outcome would be me wasting their time but since I was proven wrong there, I was a little worried.
Ashley had arranged to come with me and attempt to be the knight in shining armour which was helpful as it kept me occupied, however only to a degree.
I had prepared myself for the worst, but I did not want to go in with a negative approach. Ashley could not stress enough how I 'will' be OK, so as he was so sure, I wanted to know where his knowledge was coming from

"...and what if I'm not? How the hell would you know?"

and as he obviously knew nothing, he answered

"well...If you're not then you're not, you just have to make sure that you get yourself through it"

This was the false-hope crap that everyone had been re branding as positive thinking, it hardly restores ones faith in positivity when it never turns out that way, which sounds dramatic but had I lived my life with this outlook on everything, through everything, I would be a deluded, worldly unwise and of course unintelligent human being. I hated this fake reassurance, it was not a kind way of seeking the silver lining in dark situations and luckily, so far, I had managed to surround myself with friends that were genuine and thought likewise so when someone ever attempted

"you'll be fine"

"they don't deserve you"

and

"it's their loss"

just made this so called positive attitude completely pointless, so how come the person saying such things has the monopoly to see and/or say how things turn out. Sure we can have our hopes and our interpretations but I could find no ray of hope, gum drop smile or the end of the rainbow in what dribble some people spout as in my mind it always raises the questions

"how do THEY know?"

and

"where is their evidence?!" 

So to start it in this situation and attempt to 'play God' made me want to shut out the sound and never take them seriously. I do not consider myself a negative person but I do like to suss out both the positive and the negative, for e.g. if the glass is actually 'half empty' as oppose to 'half full' then it is time top get yourself a top-up.

As myself and Ashley arrived at the hospital, I felt nervous, I turned to him and did the weakest thing anyone can ever do; admitted defeat...

"I don't want any of your Mary Poppins crap...! I'm scared. I don't want to go in in case it is bad news, I know it is wrong 'cos I need to find out so I can sort out what I want to do but I need you to keep me calm and not spin the fairytale shit on me. I'm going for a scan and the outcome will be whatever it will be and not some carried through life by angels rubbish that you are use to...OK?"

Ashley agreed so we got out of the car and ventured into the hospital and just as we reached the waiting room, Ashley said

"I think you will be fine"

It is the most annoying thing in the world when people apparently do or say things that are in an attempt to help but do the exact opposite as they clearly have no idea what they are saying, it is as though they are on a permanent Acid trip with their 'everthing will be fine' rubbish and it does in fact make them look like complete idiots despite the respect you may have for them.

The scan was very scary, not the scan in itself but the reason for it. The man had a good grope and then lathered some very cold gel over me. I scanned his face for any immediate reaction, there was a couple on unnerving facial expressions so I asked

"I know you are probably not supposed to tell me until everything has been certified but does everything LOOK OK?"

It was clear the guy did not want to say in case there was a chance he was wrong so he hesitated and strung his answer together

"Well...from what I can see, everything looks fine but you need to wait for the results to be certain"

That was enough for me, I had a feeling that it might be OK. I still had some doubt as I still needed my results to be checked and then I needed to speak with my Doctor. So I went about the rest of my day in a slightly lighter mood. I told Ashley and he was quick to dismiss it now as and 'all clear' but I wanted to wait, so I put on my brave face and went along with him as soon as he said

"That's it! You're fine! I knew you would be."

but I could not allow myself to be so naive, so blind just like Ashley was being right now, so I carried on playing along.

Two weeks later and the acting 'positive' was starting to tire me. I had not yet heard back from the hospital and I was getting worried. Both Ashley and Dave had come to the decision that it was best I assume everything is OK, but as this was regarding my health, I did not feel best to just assume. However when I returned home one morning that week, I had my letter of appointment with the Doctor, I started to panic. I had felt assured since my scan but now I did not know what to think. When Ashley ventured over that day he said he would come with me

"I thought you were OK about it now?"

he asked as though devastated at the shock of me concealing something. Ashley seemed to think he knew me which was a common occurrence with both him and Dave but they were never on the mark with any assumptions they made, they seemed to have this interpretation of me that responded and acted in such predictable way to everything, however they just assumed they were right as oppose to getting to know me and cast their assumptions based on that knowledge, they would have been a bit closer at least with that approach

It was nice of Ashley to try and maintain some positivity in the situation, whether or not he was being genuine he still made time off from whatever he usually he to come with me, I did address that maybe it was all apart of the act to persuade me that he may be a genuine soul but based on my better judgement, I could not trust him at all. However, we did get on so I based our friendship on that and that alone, it was his emotional crap that I could not grasp but if my time with Dave has taught me anything then it is not to trust anyone.

Later that week i.e. Judgement Day, myself and Ashley had found ourselves in the Doctors waiting room in silence, he leant across

"I think you will be fine"

 

I ignored him, it was obvious he was trying to reassure me but I figured it was best to leave those comments be and just wait and the I was called in, I got up and Ashley grabbed my arm

"Good Luck!"

I turned and said thank you, it was no fake positive remark nor was it some co-dependant line ripped straight from Mary Poppins, it was a well wishing comment either way, whatever the outcome and that was worth far more.

The news was fine apparently it was some form of varicose vain and the pills had calmed it down in time for the scan. Ashley did seem genuinely pleased followed by

"I told you!"

it was true, he did say. Later that night as Ashley left my flat, I got to thinking about Ashley's actions. He did show some caring but then also shown acts of not thinking about others at all but then we all do that in particular situations. He did not need to come with me, but he did, he seemed persistent on making me believe his words yet I wanted his actions to back up what he was saying. I was starting to think that besides his bull shit... I needed to at least allow a little bit of of leeway