A Thing Called Love?

If true love is supposed to conquer all, then what conquers true love?
I am certain everyone has their own outlook on this tedious subject.
My definition of Love is two individuals wanting to spend their lives together due to the inspiration of the other person who without existence would feel pointless. A feeling that is growing, rejuvenating and replenishing each and everyday (even more so with time spent apart) despite flaws and imperfections, if anything, in spite of anything that is not necessarily of the 'norm' creating a subconscious, unconditional devotion.

My theory however is that of an ideal world. In truth, Love seems to be of a difficult sport, clearly due to the commitment of it which should make it clear to anyone analytical of the smallest thing.
Love can come in all disguises which we will all fall victim to. At first it's all shiny and fresh and we find ourselves captivated and thrown into the hell it will later become when the comfort has set in. Arguements seem to be a good time to stick the knife in. Love becomes manipulation when the other begins touching on the others weakest points that they have confided in.
Lying also becomes easier when the trust is set in place because we begin to know how to deal with the others feelings and how to provoke them and, just as much, spare them.

Is the relationship then a mistake?
Do we need to get out in order to find that true definition?

Heartbreak can be a good thing, what does not kill you... and all. It raises questions and builds walls i.e. a defense which we should all build but can only build a decent strong wall with experience like any tradesman!
It is a vicious circle though, this 'strength' can lead to repeating the behaviour the 'dumpee' is exposed to in order to create a sense of control and false strength.

Is this way of thinking the future or are we our own worst enemies?

If love is like a sport then why not keep competing for the others feelings?
Keep things fresh and new and remain as close to the person they fell in love with, and they should also return that favour.

Too much to ask?

The Aftermath

It was the morning after the night before, we had just returned from a mini break and Dave exploded in an attempt to get rid of me and yet somewhere along the line, for whatever reason, changed his mind back and invited me back around. So the next morning as we woke, Dave said he wanted to go to the gym before work and that he would be gone for about an hour and a half and that I could stay in and sleep. This was not exactly shocking but it was painful; my mind was racing, if the gym session usually lasts an hour then the other thirty minutes are surely to freshen up afterwards? Not in Dave's case? I fell asleep just like I was allowed and woke up around 10:50 and the house was quiet, Dave had not returned home. With the possibilities of what was going on rushing through my head, I got myself ready just slowly enough just in case I got to see him before I left. But then my better judgement took over and I realised that I was only wasting my own time, so I text him telling him to have a nice day and I received no response.
About an hour later, Dave did make contact, it was clear what he had been up to. He meant everything he had said in our post mini break argument and was not was not about to change for some swamp life that needed washing away. We both knew it, Dave knew how I felt and manipulated it to work in his favour. He had once said he was good at spotting opportunities so why write off sex when you know it's going to be there whenever it is beckoned, we both knew what the situation was now, the argument had made that crystal clear, I just needed to act on it and depart.
In an attempt to let actions speak louder than words, I attempted to give Dave some space, at least that way, I was not wasting my time chasing him. The next week I had planned to go Christmas shopping with Ashley, he came over in the morning just as I was about make a phone call home to arrange going over for Christmas. It rang out for a while and just as I was about to 'hang up' my Aunt answered. This was strange as my Uncle, being one of these outspoken man-of-the-house types, always answered the phone without fail. I greeted my Aunt and I then joked

"What's up with him, letting you answer the phone?" 

to which my Aunt responded

"You haven't heard have you?"

in between a dirty weekend away and false emotions, someone that had proven themselves to always be a pillar of strength so far throughout my life had passed away two days before I called to arrange Christmas, which was only now one week away. I do not know if it was a mixture of built up emotion from the year about to pass or the actual passing of my uncle but I sat down and sobbed down the phone, which then of course set my Aunt off as she was attempting a brave face for their two young children.

After an emotional time on the phone, I carried out my endeavours and went Christmas shopping. I had no idea what I was buying as my mind was not really on Christmas at this stage, nor was it on the aftermath of mine and Dave's weekend, which after a week of leaving things to him shown that he was not really that interested. However, there was a bit of contact but nothing in the way of seeing each other, therefore the next time we did meet, everything would be pushed aside, unfinished and never mentioned of again...or until he needed to use it as some example against me.

I spent the rest of that week contemplating things, where I was headed and what the hell I was going to do with myself. I had allowed myself to get caught up in a situation with no future, a situation that is manipulative and using, a situation with someone who should know better than to play with someone in such a way that leaves them feeling depleted.

I decided, once again to give him some more space, I knew he was lying about his feelings but the more space I give him then the more certain the situation will prove; if he calls then then maybe he might require my company and if he does not call then he is free of a burden and his second nature of lying and I have a huge weight lifted with no need to analyse things.

With Christmas pending, I made arrangements to visit my Aunt and help her keeps things together over Christmas for the sake of her children. As for the funeral, well I had no idea how I was going to tackle that!

Towards the end of the week, Dave had contacted me and asked me if I wanted to join him on Christmas Eve night, I was supposed to venture home but it would have been bedlam so I accepted. I told him about my Uncle, Dave seemed slightly sympathetic with the usual "sorry":

"Sorry to hear that, with it being so close to Christmas. Gosh he was only a couple of years older than me!"

On the actual night, I was getting some stuff together when Dave called me to tell me he was going out that night

"Hello, can we postpone until a bit later as I am off out with some friends tonight. You're quite welcome to come over afterwards"

which translates as

"I am meeting someone tonight but I might need a certified shag in the morning so I will keep you posted if I need you"

so, as usual, I sat and waited for my beckon, it was my own stupid fault. I knew what was going on and still I was sat there waiting on someone. So I called my friend Liam to come over and have a drink with me and watch a film for I was not suffering this on Christmas Eve. I had a very nice evening with Liam, we ate, drank and because of the drinking, we were definitely merry.

A few hours later, and slightly calmed down from the alcohol, only slightly, I received the OK and ventured over to Dave's house...on foot, Liam, still unsure of where I was going and why, walked a certain amount of the way with me until we had to split. I told him I was visiting a girl.

When I arrived, Dave was already in bed. We lay talking about our nights and then we went to sleep... and with the constant argument I was having between my emotions and my judgement...my better judgement rested it's case.

The following morning was when the action took place, it was predictable and also Christmas morning so why not. Me and Dave had breakfast together and exchanged gifts the gift did not exactly reflect any thought worth counting, Yes the thought to give a gift was intended but the thought  was definitely not represented in the gift. I had panicked with my gift, what should I get, I wanted to get something for him to keep, we clearly were not going to be around each other for much longer and I wanted something that he could at least keep as a memory, and not something that could be eaten or drank. Dave had suggested underwear, which was a good idea; there was a new range out and I thought he might appreciate it, so I kept it in mind. My main idea was to get him a fragrance that he had mentioned of buying on holiday and not being able to find it in this country but by the time I found somewhere it would not have been delivered in time so I opted for something I knew he would like and bought two pairs from the latest 'Element' range from a certain designer, that along with a bottle of Port, as I knew he liked Port.

Dave's gift to me was something that I did not expect, however, I must appreciate that as soon as Dave unwrapped my gift, he did address that his gift to me was not as good and mentioned that there would be an addition to my gift at a later date, I was not going to hold him to it as surely it's the thought that counts?

Luckily I was saved by the bell as my Aunt called me to find out what time I would be arriving, so I had to leave promptly... without opening my gift, which I think was better for us both if I opened it in private.

On my way home I received a call from Ashley, he was on his way back from somewhere and asked me where I was and said he would pick me up if I waited, so I did. Me and Ashley discussed our plans for the day, wished each other a Merry Christmas and went on with our business which on parting, Ashley pulled out a miniature Christmas pudding, it was a very festive gesture.

Once inside the house, I had wondered what Dave could have gotten me that was bad enough to not be "as good as" my gift to him. I felt around but could not fathom what was in there...Anthrax? Asbestos? what could be so bad? He got me a bottle of one of my favourite Whiskeys for my birthday so I had enough faith in him to not think a snake was going to pounce out and eat me.

I opened the card first, the card contained a pleasant common Christmas ritual greeting..."Merry Christmas" and a £10 cinema ticket, usually if I want to stay friends with people I do not buy them vouchers but I had not made this clear to Dave as it was not really on my mind so I thought; 'so far so good'. As I opened the presents, I had found a tube of Chocolates with animated characters on it, I was a little puzzled, so I put that down and opened the 2nd gift. This was smaller, this time hiding behind the wrapping was a sachet of bubble bath that stated 'HOT STUFF' across the front and so now, Dave's gift had been opened... I stood there in amazement, silence and plain shock. I could not comprehend what I had encountered, what exactly screamed that the gift was a good idea? I kept telling myself it was the thought that counts but each time I tried to get my head around the justification, I had a thought of my own... exactly how much thought has gone into this? I stepped away from the gift and just went home, today was not going to be about feelings and just like that, I recited it being the thought that counts, however my actions quickly acted on another famous saying..."out of sight, out of mind", so there I left it on the breakfast bar and left.

I did feel bad, I tried to justify it in my head but all I could think was how much he did not know me. The day was not a very pleasant one, I spent the day doing what I had promised my Aunt and helped Christmas run smoothly so that she could also. I tried to keep my composure throughout the day. I managed to keep my brave face throughout my Aunt breaking down, Christmas dinner and also trying to occupy two children but there in the face of my two young cousins was of course my Uncle staring back at me, excited, happy and unaware that wherever their father had gone, he was not coming back. I could not make my mind up whether them thinking he had just gone somewhere as oppose to him passing was a good idea asa what does one say when the person does not return from the 'somewhere' they have gone? and then of course...how do you tell a child that they will never see their father again?
So in an attempt to keep things calm, as things became too much, I ventured upstairs, locked myself in the bathroom and just let go of my emotions. I think my Aunt realised when I returnd downstairs but this time she smiled. It was strange that despite acting my arse off for the two youngsters, they seemed to notice something was the matter and the eldest, aged 6, said

"is it because Daddys not here?"

I blamed it on work.

At the end of the day, I was suppose to go and visit my father but the day had been too heavy already so without a second thought, I called myself a taxi and went all the way home on double fair.

£84 later, I was home, I spent a good thirty minutes alone, in silence. It does not sound like long but it felt enough. I picked up the phone and waited for an answer

"Hello, I just got a taxi home. I've had the worst day and I needed to not be around family. Would you like to come over?"

Another thirty minutes later, Liam turned up at my door, we opened a bottle of wine and laughed at how tragic our Christmases had been.

So maybe laughter is the best medicine but it is the laughter that is with good friends that holds the actual cure.

A Mini Break Part II

The morning after our slight night on the town, we woke in a state of slight aftermath. We were both pretty lousy, as we lay talking and laughing at the poor service at the restaurant, which then, out of nowhere led to us rolling around in bed indulging in some body contact.
After the morning "run" we went downstairs for breakfast.
Around us were mainly couples or families basically anything that suggested the stereotypical 'norm' and heterosexual settings. It was a clear observation but not one that continued to bother me.
When we got back to the room, we lay talking about what we were going to do with the day. I had suggested going on a bus tour to learn a bit about the area, I did also think it may be of interest to both of us but I got no response so, apparently undecided, we ventured out to discuss it over lunch.
Over lunch Dave seemed a bit distant, as though he was bored already and I was getting bored trying to fathom. I started to wonder if we could only stomach each others company for one day at a time, the conversation over lunch was not exactly thrilling. Dave seemed desperate to come across as though there was nothing wrong but it was as clear as (some) day that there was. He went on a tangent about houses that he owns which for some reason led to him saying he could buy a house and rent it out to me. It just came from no where! Luckily he justified it with a 'payment in kind' sort of joke.
We walked around and then Dave suggested we go for on a bus tour. The tour seemed pleasant enough with a 'salt of the earth' lady named Jan, Jan was the tour guide narrating the journey, occasionally throwing in the odd joke, which in all honesty were not that funny. The trip however was very interesting on the history of Chester; the architecture and culture. Dave did seem involved with what was being said too.
After the tour, me and Dave made our way back to the hotel for a drink, I had taken my Tennessee whiskey with me for us to guzzle. We started off with a drink in the bar downstairs where Dave started talking about his options for his job over the next year, he said that he had no plans whether or not to stay or what else he was going to do, he even suggested me moving with him. I did not know if he was being serious, he looked serious... I snapped out of it! of course he did not mean it, I had enough experience and evidence to know he did not mean it so I took it with a pinch of salt.
After our drink, we went back up to the hotel room, where we lay, for some reason, exhausted so we decided to stay in for a bit and recharge. We could not have been too exhausted as we got down to fondling. Dave had me on all fours as he rimmed me, he was like a hungry puppy as he just went for it, it drove me insane and made my body tingle as he pulled me back onto his face firmly and showed no mercy. I went down on him, still on all fours as he I gobbled he played with my ass, until I turned him on his back and I carried on with him in my mouth, Dave then suggested we get the camera out. Dave was the one taking photos of me working on him, which obviously carried through to capturing the main act; using side shots of penetration and also taking shots of our reflection in the mirror to capture every angle...nearly.
A movie and a sleep later, we got ourselves all cleaned up and headed out, the town was pretty quiet so we ended up, yet again, going to an Indian restaurant and then for a quiet drink before heading back to the hotel room to end our last night with...sleep.
The following morning we woke and had overslept slightly so we had to rush to make breakfast!
Today we had planned to do a bit of sight seeing before we went back but it turned out to be a walk around the shops. Dave had decided that he was going to do some minor Christmas shopping for some close relatives, I had not intended on finishing my Christmas shopping until I returned home, therefore, I was following him around like some lost pup. It was irritating enough for me and it was also starting to show how it was irritating Dave. Dave was one of those people who thinks he does not show expression or feelings, kind of like a real man. But it sort of oozed out of him, usually in the form of hot air whenever I was around, but it was still clear what Dave was feeling despite the front he would put on. It was a good sign to read as it definitely made the false feelings, say his said feelings for me look staged.
So there I was following Dave around, noticing his anger boil up, he looked at me as though to check I was still there but when he did look at me, it was as though I was invisible and he had made no secret of his opinion on that.
We went for a coffee after he had bought some gift cards, who needs enemies? I had decided a particular worldwide coffee shop as I wanted him to try their Egg Nog Latte. As we sat with our drinks Dave sat there on his phone and in silence, I was the spare tool again. I asked him what was wrong but he just said

"Nothing, I'm just not a fan of all these crowds"

I asked

"What do you want to do now?"

He sighed and said

"What do YOU want to do?"

so I suggested

"We can go to the museum?"

The museum was slightly across town which meant an awkward silent walk to get there. Once inside, Dave started to walk off, it was clear, he had definitely had enough of me. I walked slower to give him a break from me and took my time to absorb the museum. It was not until a fair way around that he decided he would accept me as a fellow human being and communicate, but I figured I would still leave him on his break, so I ignored him, that is until he came up to me and grabbed my bottom. We saw the rest of the museum together and even spoke to each other.

On the way home, we were, once again, sat in complete silence. So I asked again

"Are you sure, you're OK?"

Dave reluctantly responded

"Yes, why do you keep asking?"

I explained

"You are very quiet"

Dave nodded, there was something wrong but it was time for me to shut the fuck up. There was no conversation for the rest of the journey home.

Once we returned home, we did the rounds to dump our bags and when we got to his house, we decided to go for food.

We walked to the restaurant which was slightly more vocal than the rest of the day as we reflected on the past two days. However once at our table we were somehow, again, rendered speechless, this was the most awkward as we were face to face. Dealing with a day in silence, Dave then chimed up

"Are we going to sit here in silence?"

I replied

"I don't know, are we?"

Dave nodded his head as though I was being out of order, despite his incapability to hold a conversation throughout the day, he was now ready to speak and I was the one who was being out of order...naturally.

We managed to enjoy our starter, without any attempt at a conversation, but our mains was the restaurants take on a traditional Christmas dinner and despite it's appetising aesthetic, I was pissed off! Dave had seemed mindless throughout the whole day, he had not made any attempt to try and make something of the day and I was feeling as though this day would be the memory of my 25th birthday...i.e. ruined!

So instead of dwelling on the day with a selfish approach, I tried to forget the day and concentrate on my food. The meal came with Cranberry sauce, I had only tried Cranberry sauce once and liked it, I did not have an essay worthy opinion on it but I remember liking it, but I decided not to have it with my meal. Dave asked

"are you not going to have your cranberry sauce?"

I came over all short fused, which seemed as though it was beyond my control as I said

"No"

Dave did not seem to respond well to this

"why, don't you like it?"

myself not wanting our only memorable conversation being a discussion or an argument on cranberry sauce, came out with

"No"

Dave gave me a glare with no expression. Dave gave this look whenever something was said that was not in aggreance with him, for someone to disagree with him and still be in his company seemed to confuse him. So once again we sat in silence.

After our main meal, we sat in silence again, I was reaching boiling point so I counted to ten and just after our plates had been cleared, I asked

"what has been up with you today?" 

I received nothing, just a pathetic gaze. So I asked more questions

"Are you bored with me?"

hoping he would become human and say something, he replied

"...and what if I said yes?"

I finally had my answer, but I still sat there not knowing whether or not to get up and walk out, my mind and heart had finally switched; I felt the urge to get up and walk out so bad but my mind was racing with questions and then I could feel the emotional build up that I should have been dealing with on my way home...alone. We sat in silence until we received the bill.

On the way back, Dave seemed to be full of words, clearly words that I had longed to hear and he had brewing up over the last 6 months.

Dave: "what, are you expecting to come from this? There is no chance of a relationship out of this and we are just wasting each others time if we carry on seeing each other..."

I fought against the emotion attempting to take over, I let him speak, I had been searching for an answer from him for so long so now was not a time to act ungrateful

Dave: "...we are very different, we don't have anything in common, we are not the same! The past year has meant something completely different to you than what it has to me"

It was now getting irrelevant, it was turning into a social difference and a matter of class, so I decided to speak,

"If you have felt like this, this whole time then why have you let things drag on?"

the cat still had not got his tongue, Dave was on a role

"I don't know, maybe I saw something that no one else did and ignored all the factors that make a relationship, people ask me if the age thing is a problem and you know, it is!"

although myself and the numerous guys that I once found on Dave's phone, the age thing had not been an issue, it had been brought up but never appeared to be an issue, until it was brought in, in an attempt to give me the boot

"...we ARE different, you wouldn't even try cranberry sauce with your meal, it would have made a conversation over dinner"

It was nothing to do with Cranberry sauce, despite it being brought in as another excuse for me to disappear it was also being brought in to turn around the lack of communication throughout the day, however the silence had been going on all day and it did not start with something as pathetic as Cranberry sauce.

When we reached Dave's house, I kept my shoes on and I asked 

"Do you want me to go?"

as Dave slipped his coat and shoes off, rather rapidly he turned it back on me and said

"It's up to you"

Dave then walked straight through to the living room and there I was just stood on my own in some other person's kitchen. I decided to leave, I had my answer and now it was time to seek solace in that.

As I walked away, I did not look back but I need to be behind closed doors for a minute, just to regain some composure. I text Ashley asking him if he could come and pick me up, he responded promptly and agreed.

When Ashley turned up, I climbed in the car and he asked what was up, I sat in silence and then I lost the battle with composure, despite my better judgement this man had made me believe there may have be something genuine feeling in him and it hurt even more that I fell weak to it. Ashley was very considerate and stayed silent as he drove me back to my house.

Once behind closed doors, Ashley listened, there was no opinions, no judgement, he may not have even listened but at the time it felt so good to tell someone that knew me. The only thing Ashley said was

"I don't understand, why did he just not say anything and keep things lite?"

After I had calmed down, the phone rang, it was Dave. I picked up and took the phone in the other room.

Dave said "How are you? Are you at home?"

"Yes"

I said

Dave : "why didn't you tell me you were leaving? You just left me thinking you were in the kitchen and when I walked through, you wasn't there and you know, where was my thank you?"

out of all the things he could have requested at this point, thank you was a lost cause. I stood there in silence thinking there was nothing to talk about now and then addressed that I should not have even answered the phone if I thought that was actually the case, I let Dave talk

"after one argument, you just walk out after I drove there and back, that is not what a relationships is about"

shocked at the confidence to claim such a thing I said

"you think this is a relationship do you?

because it wasn't half an hour ago"

Dave: "well yes, we've been seeing each other for a while now so I think it does class as a relationship"

in response to Dave's attempt at a justification, I asked

"so what has changed in the last thirty minutes?"

Dave then asked

"why don't you come back over here and we can talk about it properly?"

and there in the dark, with no direction I agreed to go over to Dave's to talk about something that now failed to matter.