The Aftermath

It was the morning after the night before, we had just returned from a mini break and Dave exploded in an attempt to get rid of me and yet somewhere along the line, for whatever reason, changed his mind back and invited me back around. So the next morning as we woke, Dave said he wanted to go to the gym before work and that he would be gone for about an hour and a half and that I could stay in and sleep. This was not exactly shocking but it was painful; my mind was racing, if the gym session usually lasts an hour then the other thirty minutes are surely to freshen up afterwards? Not in Dave's case? I fell asleep just like I was allowed and woke up around 10:50 and the house was quiet, Dave had not returned home. With the possibilities of what was going on rushing through my head, I got myself ready just slowly enough just in case I got to see him before I left. But then my better judgement took over and I realised that I was only wasting my own time, so I text him telling him to have a nice day and I received no response.
About an hour later, Dave did make contact, it was clear what he had been up to. He meant everything he had said in our post mini break argument and was not was not about to change for some swamp life that needed washing away. We both knew it, Dave knew how I felt and manipulated it to work in his favour. He had once said he was good at spotting opportunities so why write off sex when you know it's going to be there whenever it is beckoned, we both knew what the situation was now, the argument had made that crystal clear, I just needed to act on it and depart.
In an attempt to let actions speak louder than words, I attempted to give Dave some space, at least that way, I was not wasting my time chasing him. The next week I had planned to go Christmas shopping with Ashley, he came over in the morning just as I was about make a phone call home to arrange going over for Christmas. It rang out for a while and just as I was about to 'hang up' my Aunt answered. This was strange as my Uncle, being one of these outspoken man-of-the-house types, always answered the phone without fail. I greeted my Aunt and I then joked

"What's up with him, letting you answer the phone?" 

to which my Aunt responded

"You haven't heard have you?"

in between a dirty weekend away and false emotions, someone that had proven themselves to always be a pillar of strength so far throughout my life had passed away two days before I called to arrange Christmas, which was only now one week away. I do not know if it was a mixture of built up emotion from the year about to pass or the actual passing of my uncle but I sat down and sobbed down the phone, which then of course set my Aunt off as she was attempting a brave face for their two young children.

After an emotional time on the phone, I carried out my endeavours and went Christmas shopping. I had no idea what I was buying as my mind was not really on Christmas at this stage, nor was it on the aftermath of mine and Dave's weekend, which after a week of leaving things to him shown that he was not really that interested. However, there was a bit of contact but nothing in the way of seeing each other, therefore the next time we did meet, everything would be pushed aside, unfinished and never mentioned of again...or until he needed to use it as some example against me.

I spent the rest of that week contemplating things, where I was headed and what the hell I was going to do with myself. I had allowed myself to get caught up in a situation with no future, a situation that is manipulative and using, a situation with someone who should know better than to play with someone in such a way that leaves them feeling depleted.

I decided, once again to give him some more space, I knew he was lying about his feelings but the more space I give him then the more certain the situation will prove; if he calls then then maybe he might require my company and if he does not call then he is free of a burden and his second nature of lying and I have a huge weight lifted with no need to analyse things.

With Christmas pending, I made arrangements to visit my Aunt and help her keeps things together over Christmas for the sake of her children. As for the funeral, well I had no idea how I was going to tackle that!

Towards the end of the week, Dave had contacted me and asked me if I wanted to join him on Christmas Eve night, I was supposed to venture home but it would have been bedlam so I accepted. I told him about my Uncle, Dave seemed slightly sympathetic with the usual "sorry":

"Sorry to hear that, with it being so close to Christmas. Gosh he was only a couple of years older than me!"

On the actual night, I was getting some stuff together when Dave called me to tell me he was going out that night

"Hello, can we postpone until a bit later as I am off out with some friends tonight. You're quite welcome to come over afterwards"

which translates as

"I am meeting someone tonight but I might need a certified shag in the morning so I will keep you posted if I need you"

so, as usual, I sat and waited for my beckon, it was my own stupid fault. I knew what was going on and still I was sat there waiting on someone. So I called my friend Liam to come over and have a drink with me and watch a film for I was not suffering this on Christmas Eve. I had a very nice evening with Liam, we ate, drank and because of the drinking, we were definitely merry.

A few hours later, and slightly calmed down from the alcohol, only slightly, I received the OK and ventured over to Dave's house...on foot, Liam, still unsure of where I was going and why, walked a certain amount of the way with me until we had to split. I told him I was visiting a girl.

When I arrived, Dave was already in bed. We lay talking about our nights and then we went to sleep... and with the constant argument I was having between my emotions and my judgement...my better judgement rested it's case.

The following morning was when the action took place, it was predictable and also Christmas morning so why not. Me and Dave had breakfast together and exchanged gifts the gift did not exactly reflect any thought worth counting, Yes the thought to give a gift was intended but the thought  was definitely not represented in the gift. I had panicked with my gift, what should I get, I wanted to get something for him to keep, we clearly were not going to be around each other for much longer and I wanted something that he could at least keep as a memory, and not something that could be eaten or drank. Dave had suggested underwear, which was a good idea; there was a new range out and I thought he might appreciate it, so I kept it in mind. My main idea was to get him a fragrance that he had mentioned of buying on holiday and not being able to find it in this country but by the time I found somewhere it would not have been delivered in time so I opted for something I knew he would like and bought two pairs from the latest 'Element' range from a certain designer, that along with a bottle of Port, as I knew he liked Port.

Dave's gift to me was something that I did not expect, however, I must appreciate that as soon as Dave unwrapped my gift, he did address that his gift to me was not as good and mentioned that there would be an addition to my gift at a later date, I was not going to hold him to it as surely it's the thought that counts?

Luckily I was saved by the bell as my Aunt called me to find out what time I would be arriving, so I had to leave promptly... without opening my gift, which I think was better for us both if I opened it in private.

On my way home I received a call from Ashley, he was on his way back from somewhere and asked me where I was and said he would pick me up if I waited, so I did. Me and Ashley discussed our plans for the day, wished each other a Merry Christmas and went on with our business which on parting, Ashley pulled out a miniature Christmas pudding, it was a very festive gesture.

Once inside the house, I had wondered what Dave could have gotten me that was bad enough to not be "as good as" my gift to him. I felt around but could not fathom what was in there...Anthrax? Asbestos? what could be so bad? He got me a bottle of one of my favourite Whiskeys for my birthday so I had enough faith in him to not think a snake was going to pounce out and eat me.

I opened the card first, the card contained a pleasant common Christmas ritual greeting..."Merry Christmas" and a £10 cinema ticket, usually if I want to stay friends with people I do not buy them vouchers but I had not made this clear to Dave as it was not really on my mind so I thought; 'so far so good'. As I opened the presents, I had found a tube of Chocolates with animated characters on it, I was a little puzzled, so I put that down and opened the 2nd gift. This was smaller, this time hiding behind the wrapping was a sachet of bubble bath that stated 'HOT STUFF' across the front and so now, Dave's gift had been opened... I stood there in amazement, silence and plain shock. I could not comprehend what I had encountered, what exactly screamed that the gift was a good idea? I kept telling myself it was the thought that counts but each time I tried to get my head around the justification, I had a thought of my own... exactly how much thought has gone into this? I stepped away from the gift and just went home, today was not going to be about feelings and just like that, I recited it being the thought that counts, however my actions quickly acted on another famous saying..."out of sight, out of mind", so there I left it on the breakfast bar and left.

I did feel bad, I tried to justify it in my head but all I could think was how much he did not know me. The day was not a very pleasant one, I spent the day doing what I had promised my Aunt and helped Christmas run smoothly so that she could also. I tried to keep my composure throughout the day. I managed to keep my brave face throughout my Aunt breaking down, Christmas dinner and also trying to occupy two children but there in the face of my two young cousins was of course my Uncle staring back at me, excited, happy and unaware that wherever their father had gone, he was not coming back. I could not make my mind up whether them thinking he had just gone somewhere as oppose to him passing was a good idea asa what does one say when the person does not return from the 'somewhere' they have gone? and then of course...how do you tell a child that they will never see their father again?
So in an attempt to keep things calm, as things became too much, I ventured upstairs, locked myself in the bathroom and just let go of my emotions. I think my Aunt realised when I returnd downstairs but this time she smiled. It was strange that despite acting my arse off for the two youngsters, they seemed to notice something was the matter and the eldest, aged 6, said

"is it because Daddys not here?"

I blamed it on work.

At the end of the day, I was suppose to go and visit my father but the day had been too heavy already so without a second thought, I called myself a taxi and went all the way home on double fair.

£84 later, I was home, I spent a good thirty minutes alone, in silence. It does not sound like long but it felt enough. I picked up the phone and waited for an answer

"Hello, I just got a taxi home. I've had the worst day and I needed to not be around family. Would you like to come over?"

Another thirty minutes later, Liam turned up at my door, we opened a bottle of wine and laughed at how tragic our Christmases had been.

So maybe laughter is the best medicine but it is the laughter that is with good friends that holds the actual cure.