Turn Of Events Part 1

Whilst diving right into the novelty of Dave's return, I was basking in his company, I was aware of the guy he met in between our own meetings but it failed to bother me. We were both aware that we slept with other guys and I had met up with guys whilst knowing I would be with Dave later on the same day, so now, it was a bit hypocritical to let my feelings get in the way and start being bothered by what Dave did when I was not around. So a couple of weeks later, I found myself doing it again myself. I was unaware of what I was doing until Dean the sexy Rugby player turned up with a bottle of poppers for us both, I realised that it is just the way we all are despite not wanting to see it so I thought fuck it!

After Dean had left, I showered and as I was getting dressed, ready for Round 2 at Dave's, I noticed that Dean had left his Poppers. 

Over at Dave's house, Dave greeted me at the door in his Gym wear, he knew I liked him in his gym wear,

but despite the gym gear, his skin smelt fresh. Dave had not been to the gym and was rampant. As we kissed, we moved over to the dining table. Dave pressed me against the table as he unfastened my trousers and then went down on me as I later returned the favour; I found myself even more turned on as I looked up at him in his gym vest hugging his body, the body that I was now wanting to be writhing against mine. After foreplay, Dave turned me around and bent me over the dining table, I pulled out the poppers that I had placed on the table and we both inhaled. Dave was so hard and I was buzzing as he went slow for a start. It was amazing as he spread both of my cheeks apart as he then went to thrust faster...it was a good night.

The following morning was the usual 'Walk of Shame' that was now a weekly ritual as I needed to get home to look as though I had spent the night there for when Ashley arrived.

I was getting use to the whole running around trying to meet people, mainly Dave and Ashley, I had considered the point in it all but I had found myself stuck. I was obviously starting to feel more comfortable around Ashley, all my better judgement had flown out of the window and I was starting to believe that I could finally have feelings for Ashley... it was still safe ground as long as I did not fall for his false I love you's. However, despite it still being a slow process there was a part of me that was starting to feel as though I could let him in eventually. I had considered that I did not trust him fully but in all honesty; he did not need to come over to see me, he did not need to do any of the things he had so far done nor any of the things he would still do; he wanted to see me, he wanted to do things for me, despite my reluctance and the intention was worth far more than any material object he constantly offered. I did consider whether he could live up to Dave and also if he may just be a back up for when Dave was out of the picture, I had no idea, also I thought it is probably better to carry on taking it one day at a time without allowing to be fed the bull shit that I had so far suffered from both parties. The approach was comfortable, easy and I finally felt free as I felt that now neither one has a hold over me. Neither one of these two men had really done anything that was an undeniable force and until I could no longer deny them, they would just be what they actually were and that was a fuck buddy. Now I was aware that feelings were in place but I just needed to keep a lid on them.

After telling Dave how I felt about him once upon a time... I decided not to tell Ashley that I was becoming a fool for it, it would only make things worse for me. 

So to take the edge of things, I met up with a new guy. MrDaddy10 was a very well built guy who was just a train ride away for me and a fifteen minute drive for him, he was in his forties and looking for a fuck buddy who he could dominate in the bedroom... but someone who was looking to be dominated. He arrived at my door at 10pm on a Sunday night, we went into town for a few drinks to talk 'Office' which was code for the bedroom and then when we returned back at mine and the door was locked, he took control of me. He was very tender when laying me down but as soon as he got going I did not have a prayer! It was hot! I was tossed around the bedroom like a rag doll, he was firm with his hands and it felt great! The whole time he was ordering me to take it when he cranked up the pace and asking me it was what I liked and what I wanted, I was on the brink of climax for a while but would not allow myself until he was ready.
Afterwards, he got up and put his clothes on. He attempted the usual chit chat "so how you been?" etc eventually finishing with his parting words

"see you soon...behave yourself"

it was an order but not meant too seriously, it was just slightly keeping in character. The truth was that I did want another round with MrDaddy10, he did something too me that had me trembling the whole time he was in control of me. His body was big and firm and he did own my body while I was in his hands and it felt great.

The following night after yet another afternoon lying to Ashley, I had gone over to Dave's for yet another masochist event although this time there was not quite another mystery man. Dave answered the door, smiled, said hello and then leaned in for a kiss. This was new and I was confused, that was until we walked around to the conservatory and saw his guest sitting there... his name was Jack, he looked like a librarian and his voice was deep enough to start a tsunami. After the meeting and greeting Jack and Dave sat down and discussed their lives; they spoke about work, cars and then jack mentioned the young stuff he was seeing. Spencer was 23 and in a relationship with a 21 year old girl who was expecting their first child just after Christmas. Spencer had begun seeing Jack after they met on a gay profile site, apparently Jack had offered him things and gave him money as Spencer was unemployed... Jack and Spencers' 'relationship' was exactly what Ashley was expecting of me, however me being independent, employed and not interested in other peoples money, meant that I knew better... plus I was able to see right through people.

After the Spencer talk, Jack started talking about going out to Thailand for three weeks, he said he needed a break, a break where he could travel around South East Asia at his leisure without having to think about work and probably the second son he never had...Spencer. I sat there and listened and was intrigued as he spoke of his last experience in Thailand , that was until he said 

"You should come with me Dave"

I looked straight at Dave, he had only just returned from Thailand and they were already discussing him going out there again?!

"I was thinking of getting another stint in before Christmas"

My heart started to pound, harder and harder, I had just spent nearly a whole month away from this guy and as if that was not torture enough he was right in front me discussing it all over again.

"It may be nice to even stay over Christmas I think"

Then my heart sank. It was mid October and now I had to adapt to not seeing Dave over Christmas and after nearly a month without seeing him and again to prepare for another month as well as Christmas felt like it was going to be too much.

After Jack had gone up to bed, there was silence. Dave asked if I was OK, truth was that I probably would get use to the idea, after all I had not known Dave for too long...but who was I kidding. I decided to change the subject and instead I commented on how deep Jack's voice was.

The following morning, we had a warm beverage in bed and then I ventured home, I could not get it out of my head.

That afternoon Ashley came over, he was being weird.. he would not stop looking at me. I asked him why he kept staring as he never stared at me as much as he was today. Ashley said

"Cos I like looking at you!"

I did not need that kind of talk right now

"...besides, I'm going away for ten days"

I turned to him and stared...

"Why where are you going?"

Ashley looked down, then back up and then at me,

"It's not for another two weeks but I have got to go to Thailand as I have been having a house built and it's finished so i need to go and make sure that it's been done how I wanted"

I could not believe it, what the hell was going on?! It was looking uncanny that two constant beings were both planning to go to Thailand around the same time.

"Are you coming back?"

I asked, because I was unsure now

"YES! I'm going for ten days silly"

I wondered and therefore asked my questions

"...if you wanted to move there and now have a house built there then why would you want to stick around?"

Ashley responded...

"Because I have you"

failing to fall victim to his horse shit and remaining realistic I reasoned

"In all fairness, why on earth would someone of your age give up moving to Thailand, where you have wanted to move to, enough to have a house built all because of some 25 year old guy who you have known only a year?"

Ashley stared, vacant and said

"because it can be a holiday home for us"

he started to get angry

"YES! Why do you always doubt me?! I know we have had our moments and you are not exactly perfect yourself but at least TRY to believe for once"

I did not think he was to be believed and after all the attempts at manipulation, I knew that I was not falling for that...

To Be Continued...

What's L@#e Got To Do With It?

With my relationship with Ashley clear, we could surely just get on with things?
Ashley would still not let up and I was fearing it was starting to have an effect on whatever our relationship was. I had feelings for him yes, he had been a constant rock so far for me what with the Dave saga and the health scare, despite being quick to write it off as good news without being given the 'all clear', but then I had stronger feelings for Dave... nothing is ever simple, apart from remaining single, that works for everyone everytime but not the emotionally weak.
So a month had passed and I had had enough of spending time with Ashley and hearing his stupid lines over and over again, however I had become better at not snapping, I had figured that if I did not give a reaction then it will fade away. I was wrong, the guy needed me to be his fool, believe what he said but I could not bring myself to think that way, there was respect there but that was fading with the blatant intentions behind his lies.
Dave had returned home all "golden and bitten", I was so excited about seeing him, I was counting down the hours which had only made the day go slower and my excitement greater.
I had tried to find things to do all day but as the time got nearer to Dave's return I was sat clock watching!
Dave was running late, I did not mind too much, I would have gone straight over no matter what time he got back. Then as if by clockwork, I recieved a message

"Hello, running a bit late, about another half an hour or so. If you have to be up then we can make it another time?"

I did not want to wait any longer and I felt as though I was being mocked by him running late but I held on and pulled through. So I did this by occupying my mind and getting my stuff ready to take over. I decided to pack some contraception, some red nylon sports shorts and some Poppers. Dean had got me into them.
As soon as I had been given the alarm, I had raced over to Dave's. When I arrived, all excited, he was already in bed, I locked the door and went upstairs, Dave lay there on the bed, on his front with his perfect buttocks slightly peeking out of the sheets. He stirred and turned his head towards me as he lifted himself up slightly...

"Hello You, sorry I dozed off for a second. Are you OK Sugar Bum?"

I smiled, seeing him all dozy just made me want to leap on him

"Yes are you?"

giving it my best shot to act casual

"Yes, I've missed you"

after getting undressed, I climbed into bed right next to him and he rolled on top of me, I could feel the excitement building up inside me I had been longing for his body to be on top of mine. Dave looked at me and said

"Have you missed me?"

"Yes!"

I answered honestly as if he did not already known the answer, I do believe he did. We started kissing, Dave then made the noise one makes when something is believed to be delicious

"mmm"

I could feel him grow firm on the inside of my leg, I was already in the 'willing' state and longed or us to get into it, he started to thrust slowly and then he started to kiss my neck, moving down to my nipple and then even further to my member which he gave me a tease before he laid himself down and said

"Climb on top"

We were in the '69' position for some time and I was longing to feel his sweaty body thrusting against mine, He then pulled himself up through my legs and told me to "stay there" and rimmed me, I think it was purley to do with the person and not just the urge for the act itself and I was shivering in ecstasy. Dave then held me in place with his left hand on my lower back and his right squeezing my right cheek open and entered me, it was intense, sort of like a dominant cave man but with charisma! It was obvious that he had been away.
We spent the following morning together as he told me all about his holiday. He was being very strange

"I wish you could have come with me, I think you would like Thailand"

It was unlike him to linger on anything like this with me. I would have liked to have gone, to experience the culture and experience it all with him.
After breakfast, I went home, we had arranged to meet up that night also to cook a meal as Dave had bought a recipe book from a cooking class he had attended while he was in Thailand, I had gone halves with him on the ingredients.
As ashley had made his depressing daily visit, he had mentioned that Dave had returned as he had popped up online on the gay profiles. I was a little shocked and hurt, as he had not been back that long and already was looking for folk inbetween seeing me. I counted to ten in my head and calmed down and responded to Ashley with

"That's his business, not mine."

It bother me a little but Ashley had no idea Dave and I were still seeing each other so I had to remain calm even though it was none of Ashley's business, Ashley would have still had to stress his feelings on the matter.
I had told Ashley that I was seeing friends that night so that he would put in the extra work of trying to butter me up with lies. So after Ashley have gone, I had ran out to the shop and straight over to see Dave. Dave had decided that we would make a meal from his recipe book from Thailand, we had soup to start followed by a Thai Prawn Curry, both very nice but for desert I wanted him!
After dinner myself and Dave went out for drinks in town. We stopped at this nice cocktail bar where they always tend to play 80's music, as their clientele is mainly made up of people who were around to remember it, of which group I just sort of fell into. We sat outside to experience the last of the British summer and so I could experience a clear commentary on Dave's travels in Thailand without Duran Duran drowning out the South East Adventures. The Photos looked very nice and as I was shown through Dave's month long holiday in still form, everyone in the photos looked happy.
I watched Dave's face as he spoke about each photo, as though he was still there experiencing it in his mind all over again, and I realised that we could never have a strong relationship, I do not earn enough and he would never take me seriously because of that, he already never really listened to me when I spoke. I bet if I interrupted now and asked if he knew my favourite colour or when my birthday was, he would not have a clue... However I was wise enough to realise that it would be cruel to ask such selfish questions when he was  talking so enthusiastically about his trip, I found the excitement quite sexy and it may me excited for him to hear him talk so passionate about something especially as he was no longer like that with me, which was the real downside.
On the walk home he asked if I would ever like to go to Thailand, we had this conversation before and I had said that I would but I knew he would only get bored...

"It's OK talking about it now you are back as by the next time you go you will have forgotten asking me plus we may not know each other then"

Dave responded

"Why? Where are you going?"

I then decided to just answer the question with

"Yes I would like to go"

When we got back to Dave's house, we had a night cap of Polish cherry Vodka. Dave was still talking about his holiday and I was really wishing that I could have been there to witness all the excitement.

Dave then said 

"Shall we go to bed"

Upstairs, while Dave was in the bathroom and I was just climbing into bed when my phone chimed...

"I know where you are"

it was Ashley, trying to be mysterious in knowing my whereabouts, so I did the same

"That makes two of us ;)"

"Don't get clever with me, you're with him"

he replied, I could not be bothered with this from him, he had no right to be stalking me, it was obvious how he knew but was trying to remain mysterious about it as though it would not click in my mind...modern technology. So like a fool I said

"Actually no, I'm at My friend Helen's, she lives exactly the same distance but the other side of town so I can see why your little profile sites are confusing you"

to which he responded

"I believe you"

On some occasions, it is hard to decipher ones mood over text, there was no punctuation, he probably wanted me to ponder over whether he was being sarcastic or whether he was being genuine and really did trust me... I think he would have preferred the latter, that way if I had believed it was a genuine statement then surely I could find it in my self to trust him? NO! 

I had no reason to lie to him, it was none of his business where I was, who I was with or what I was doing. The guy had been a decent friend, yes, but there was still something about him that would not allow me to trust in him.

As I laid the phone down, Dave's phoned chimed right next me on the bed. I looked across at the message scroll at the top of the screen

"Hey! Only me again! Had a good time today! Was hot! Need to meet for another horny sesh soon!"

I sat there in between the two thorns in my sides, confronted by the reality of the one I wanted to really be with and then the one who thinks stalking me is a sign of emotion, I guess it is in some way but not the right emotions that I want to welcome in to my life.

Dave then walked in, got undressed and climbed into bed, he picked up his phone while looking at me with no engaging expression at all and then started to read his message, he responded to it there and then, I turned away to to turn out the light and lay with my back to him, he then shuffled right up to me and wrapped his arms around me, usually I liked this but now it made my skin crawl.

There is a guy who says he feels a certain way without showing it yet I cannot trust him in the slightest and then one here who I like pretty much everything about, except the lies and the fact that he will never want to be with me.

I know that there is no such thing as a conventional monogamous gay relationship, I know at least that I am not that naive. However, I lie here in the arms of someone who clearly has some sort of hold on me, other than the current physical embrace, that I cannot seem to break myself free from. He cannot be worth all this, can he?

Diminishing Trust

Week in week out, things were going relatively OK with Ashley and Dave. They were both behaving themselves in what they were saying. I had reduced my time with Dave down to once a week, considering the circumstances I found this vital as we were getting on a lot better.
Ashley had learnt to keep calm about what he allowed to fly out of his mouth so things were going fine.
I had joined a new profile website that was proving to be a bit of a hit with me, I had met a couple of guys from there but nothing worth shouting from the rooftops about. One guy did stand out for a second which was purely down to his aesthetic, that is until I compared facial features, his nose was different in each picture. we had had conversations through chat rooms and private chat rooms, no camera action or meet though and now there was never going to be. If the guy cannot send me a genuine picture then how will I know which one is ever going to be him and if he is worth meeting.
I had had quite a busy week at work as I was up for promotion, I had been longing for it for a while and considering the staff turnover of late I felt that I had aquired enough skills for the role as well as shown that I could do the job blindfolded.
I had my trial shifts within the role so that my manager could see how I adapted to the it, he liked my ideas and liked the way I was running things as well as how the other staff had accepted me in the role so far. After four years, I finally felt as though I was on that metaphorical ladder.
Everything was a first, I had been given tasks that were not part of my previous role which I accepted and I felt I took on with confidence and was then greeted with some inspiring recognition. I dealt with things on my own iniative which had become a bit of a rare thing in my previous role so now I was running with it. My manager had told me that in order to be a good manager I need to be confident in taking risks which I found fine but at the end of that day as he was leaving, he turned and said

"If you are stuck with anything, make sure you call me"

I paused...did he not already tell me to take risks? I did not think too much into it and carried on logging the deliveries for the day. So far this week I had been logging data for deliveries and controlling stock, making phone calls right, left and centre. I had dealt with everything and had some very good, and helpful feedback such as which parts I could improve and there were not that many.

The end of the week came and Ashley had agreed to 'treat' ourselves with a weekend in Manchester. The hotel was very nice, a clear, clean lobby and everywhere smelt like a hint of oranges. Our room was like an apartment; very spacious with a nice view of the city, including the infamous Canal Street.

We went for food at this mediterranean restaurant where we sopke on life and what we intend to do with it, I said what I would like to do with mine, both realistically and what I had dreamed for the past 13 years. Ashley then spoke more on the 'lying on a beach somewhere' dream and told me he had wanted to move to Thailand. I looked up in shock. Ashley?! Culture?! surely not? He was the son of a butcher after all... or at least that is what I was told. However he was the gay son of a butcher so I doubt that would have been what a small town butcher would have wanted. Ashley looked at me and said

"Things have changed now that I have met you...unless you want to come with me?"

After the drinks we then for drinks down Canal Street. We walked into this bar and there were hot men everywhere, I felt like a kid at Christmas. I had no idea where to look! Especially with Ashley stood next to me, however he seemed irrelevant at this point. Screw his lies and fairy tales Thailand, which were probably all a load of rubbish, I needed a man!

We sat down on the stripy sofa underneath one of many of the dim lit chandaliers. We sat talking about our relationship...I did not really care about nonsense at this point, I wanted a whole lot of nonsense with someone else in the mens room right this minute... but Ashley was still talking.

"Are you listening?"

He yelped

"Of course"

I cried

"so how about coming to Thailand with me?"

"Oh, I'm sure you don't want me tagging along on your little expedition. You probably have a wife chained to the kitchen or some twink locked in your basement who you would rather take"

I figured a joke may make prompt him to ease off.

"no, not at all"

he pleaded. Pushing my luck, I said

"is it both? She hasnt been able to leave to kitchen since the 1950's so she wouldnt know about the twink in the basement"

He got the joke. So he attempted a joke of his own...

"why don't you come and replace both of them?"

"Oh you don't want me, you're too perverted for that, once I show any sign of aging you will be on to the next young boy that minces past"

as the words left my mouth, I realised that it didnt feel as though I was exaggerating Ashley was older, which I had no issue with but I was aware of how he liked his younger men. By comparison I was probably the most mature and that is why he thought he could spin the lies on me so easily because I act a certain way but still have the mind and outlook of a 26 year old. He could not have been more wrong. I was onto him and this stupidly ridiculous life he was trying to sell so as he started talking about private jets and keeping me in nice clothes and well looked after, I said...

"Losingmymind69"

"What?!"

he said, looking at me as if I was insane.

"That was you on that profile site! You played that song in the car and then set up a profile to try and catch me with those pictures with the dodgy nose! It's hardly sublte!"

 

"What?! why would I do that when have you?"

"but you don't have me! Execpt in the same way you have everyone else"

I downed my drink and left, I had no idea what I was doing, would I find another hotel? I found I had the other key to the hotel and made my way back.
I could hear Ashley calling me, it was so embarrassing but if I turn around now, he will think he has got me wrapped around his little finger.
Back in the hotel room, I figured I may as well go the full length and sit in the dark. It was far too dramatic but I was enjoying the way it had turned around...even if it was childish.
Ashley came in slightly out of breath

"what the bloody hell are you doing?! Are ou trying to give me a heart attack?! I couldnt see you through people out there!"

"Who do you think you are trying to trap me? You give me your shitty little lines, pretending it's some Home and Away episode, set up a very bad profile and then feed me some crap about private jets! I am not THAT kind of person!"

Ashley looked straight at me.


"I know, I'm sorry. I want you so much and I want you to want me so I wanted to see how to get that"


I had no way of reasoning, the guy was never going to stop lying.

"well..., if that is really what you are trying to do then you are going the wrong way about it completely because I am having trouble believing you and you just will not let up. You give me your crap and have been for quite some time now and I have already spoken with you about it and it has not stopped. I don't want some one who has nothing better to do than bang on about irrelevant things such as private jets...it doesnt interest me!"

Ashley started going on about how I knew nothing about his life, it was completely irrelevant to what we were originally talking about, maybe he wanted to go off topic? Maybe he wanted to turn the arguement around so I was somehow to blame? I had however been pleadeing with this guy for months to stop making everything heavier than what it was and it was not sinking in. I should have by now ended it...whatever IT was.

The following morning we woke, we went for a walk, had breakfast together went for lunch and also managed to fit some bedtime in between. It was as though last night had never happened, maybe we needed to let of some steam or maybe we were both just trying to forget it had happened.

It was a nice weekend despite the arguement. Ashley did promise to never try and trap me with fake profiles again, but I always made sure I analysised every picture that was send to me.

A Narrow Mind?

As time had passed, I was starting to see things differently, I had let things that had happened in the past effect me to the point that I had become cynical and also blind to what was right under my nose. I had given Ashley such a hard time about everything I had ever heard or experienced without giving him the opportunity to prove himself...but I still had my doubts. No matter what I thought I could do to give Ashley a chance and also for me to loosen up a bit, there was always a voice in my head telling me to not believe anything he said. I did not know him very well at all, but then how well do we know anyone? For decades folk have been climbing into bed with strangers without knowing what the consequences they face on the other side, however with gay men, the situation is quite clear and so that is how i had approached my encounter with men, usually apart from two exceptions Dave and possibly Ashley? As a man myself and from past experience based on me and also sleeping with men, it is blatantly obvious to men and women that the male is very much driven by sex...it is no secret. So no matter what we are told, by now when we jump into bed with a guy it is pretty certain that we are only there for one thing and once we are done, we turn our backs and walk away. As living creatures we do have our animal instincts and the bottom line is that is all we want each other for. We can sleep around for the best part of twenty years and then suddenly find someone to settle down with? No, otherwise why would gay men go on to sleep around well into their 60's?
Straight folk need to find the conventional destination. Men are simple creatures who will put their penis' in a blender if it meant achieving an orgasm and can act this way from adolescence, throughout their 20's and part of their 30's and then they need to settle for the latest one night stand, promise her the world and this time, instead of disappearing, he will kindly turn her into his mother...usually the woman will be happy for this as their instinct is usually to be the home maker, it is a tad Freud but a very true analysis.
So how does one explain Gay men? Again with a Freud approach, Gay men are believed to have a 'Daddy doesn't love me complex' which is not always the case, but it is apparent within the majority, Gay men are closer to the mother therefore when they grow up they constantly have their mother's 'unconditional love' and fail to need to take on a substitute so they sleep with older men when they are young to replace that 'Daddy love' and then younger men once they are old to provide the same service that they once received when they were young and also to give their substitute child the fatherly love they were longing for.
A narrow mind? Possibly. Despite old age theories about parent to child relationships ruining the state of the future generations and also based on anything that Freud has ever written, surely it is down to the individual and their own personal preference? Possibly, I have thought the latter. However I have been proven wrong in many occasions with people in consideration to the latter approach. I always try to maintain an open mind but sometimes it is clear to see that people such as Freud may have been on to something.
In a world where everyone is supposed to be treated equal...do not even get me started on that one, everyone seems to claim that all they want is to be happy... in occupation, relationships and as a whole... happy in life, in my experience this is probably true but until the Knight in shining armour, that we believe exists but only in the depths of our subconscious, comes to whisk us of our feet and take us to live in an ideal world, we sleep around.
I had my encounter of a certain kind of Knight, not necessarily in shining armour, but the armour that this person was wrapped in was a decent substitute to anything any material could provide. Dave was everything that this Knight fantasy was and also everything it was not. To be honest, I liked that, there was no dressing it up as something it was never going to be so we still kept seeing each other. I knew everything has an expiration date but I thought I would enjoy it while it lasted.
During my time with Dave I had met Ashley who had so far proven to be some form of rock. Ashley seemed determined to get me to believe he was genuine but I just could not see it, sure he would do something or make some gesture that made me think for a second that he could be geunine, but then common sense takes over and I am back to the right way of thinking... dismissive.
So during the whole health scare, Ashley had proven to be somewhat of a pillar of strength and I felt ok by that but made sure I was not too sucked in by it all in case it came back and bit me as that would be the likely story. So I kept it to myself that I held some respect for him but never went beyond my threshold.
My relationship with Ashley became quite comfortable, which usually scares me, I felt I could talk to him about certain things and be at ease around him more than what I could with Dave as I was always acting my behind off with dave, trying to get him to see me in a certain way while also trying not to let my feelings for him show. With Ashley, I was not pretending anything, I could be in a bad mood, let all my aggression out in front of him and he always managed to calm me down, I had no idea where it could go with Ashley, I had no expectations as to what could happen with Ashley, he said some heavy things every now and then but I let them go through one ear and out of the other especially when I was hit with the three words men should never be allowed to say to each other. However they are still just words which is why men do say it, because at least that way they do not have to waste time and money on proving it?

Narrow minded? No.

I kept on hearing it and the more I heard it the more my feelings started to diminish for Ashley, could he really think I'm that stupid?
Ashley would offer to help me with things from repairs, to giving me a lift to even buying things for me. I would decline. It was never a good idea to sacrifice your own independance nor lead someone into the wrong impression that I could be bought. The only thing I could do for Ashley until everything was crystal clear, was consider seeing him exclusively...as well as Dave.
A month later after having spent a night at the Haus Of Beige i.e. Dave's house, Dave had very kindly informed me that he would be going away for a month or two for a break and to go travelling. I was gutted, not seeing Dave for a whole week left me pining so who knows after a month! Two months! It seemed barbaric. How would I cope?! Sure I had my substitue but he was starting to cry "Love" and that would have driven me to throw myself out of a window.
On the walk home after acting my arse off and pretending I was fine with the disappearance of Dave, I contemplated my options, I had wanted to be released from Dave for so long and now this could be my opportunity? It did not feel like an opportunity, instead it felt like a loss instead of a gain.
That Day Ashley came over again at 2.30pm as always, He sensed something was wrong, he would not let it drop but I told him I was fine.
Two weeks had passed, Dave's trip was all booked and Ashley was still not letting up with the love crap, what is his problem?!
I wanted Ashley in my life, I had made no secret of that, he had not made anything clear as to whether it was all or nothing, he just kept on and on and on about this so called Love! I did not want to succumb to it in case the consequences were too much to bare.
Later that week, myself and Ashley went out for a meal, Ashley paid. Ashley never let me pay, it was infuriating not to mention patronising. After the meal we went to a bar, a nice steady independant gastro styled pub which had a nice calm but not too quiet atmosphere and so over a pint we were sat at the back talking about 'us' whatever 'us' was it was still not an exciting conversation as I was scared the 'L' word would raise it's ugly face like a demon in a computer game that takes forever to die. We spoke about future plans and where we see ourselves in the future, Ashley said he sees himself lying on a beach somewhere. I was waiting for a shitty second hand line but then he looked straight into my eyes and said

"You do realise this is all temporary, don't you?"

I made a joke...

"What? you paying? in that case I'll have another quickly!"

Ashley smirked, looked down at his glass and then back up and into my eyes and responded

"I meant THIS, you and me. I care about you a lot and would hate to see you with someone else but I am older than you"

I reamained calm, I was aware that the situation could not progress but that was due to my trust in him.

"you are the one who says the things you say, you are the one who wanted to come with me to the hospital and you are the one who insists to pay for the meal here tonight. So what impression are you trying to create?"

Still I remained calm, however inside I was furious. Ashley had used every ounce of heaviness he had brought to whatever set up this was and turned it all back on me as if his game playing had worked and I had fallen for everything he had ever spun on me. When in truth, I had not believed a single word that left his lips.

"oh I don't know, I meant those things I said, I like spending time with you and I don't give a shit paying for a meal that we enjoy together"

clearly more games were to come, so I smiled and changed the subject

"Where are we going to next?"

The following morning I woke, quite angry at how stupid Ashley thought I was. I had given him a hard time with things because I knew he was lying and now he had given me the low down on exactly what our relationship is as though I had been hearing wedding bells in my tiny little brain and needed to be told, the guy had got me all wrong and now I felt as though I was made to look the stupid one. I text him saying I was busy for the rest of the day as I was visiting my sister, I decided not to contact him after that unless he contacted me and then I received a text message from Dean, my funtime rugby player:

"Hey you! remember me?

you free this lunch time?

I have my rugby kit with me"

How could I forget Dean, the guy was amazing in bed, during our encounters, I had always found the effect Dean had on me just by walking through the door to be captivating, today was no exception.
When Dean arrived, he walked in wearing a fitting ensemble; white shirt, straight tie and very fitted trousers that eccentuated his well toned thighs and the perfect modesty of his bulge.

"How you been?"

he said as he moved closer to me

"Oh you know, same old"

I said to cut the conversation dead. He looked straight over at me, bit his bottom lip, walked even closer to me casually and pulled me against him so as our waists were touching and kissed me, his hands wandering like a hungry bear. Dean knew how to handle me in bed, he said the right things, touched the right places and moved in the right way but this time he had brought something new to the table. Dean moved both his hands up my back and onto my shoulders and leaning in halfway himself, he whispered

"Do you like Poppers?"

I had not used poppers since I was 16 when my friend had some and we thought we were being experimental. I said that I was unsure as I had not taken any during sex. Dean went over to his jacket and pulled out a little brown bottle with a white safety lid, inhaled and he passed them over to me. I took in a slow breath and as I felt his strong hands around my waist and his strong, firm thighs rub against the back of  mine with each thrust I let the warm tingle take over. For this moment I was his, for him to do whatever he wanted with and without disappointment Dean took control.
Dean had always been one of those guys that I could just get on with in a civil way; he would come over, we would have great sex and catch up but I found that we really would react to what the other was saying and then once were were done with the matter in hand, we would let things lie until next time we met up.
There was no fasleness with Dean, there was never any need to be, we knew exactly where we stood with each other without crying 'Wolf' and to me in consideration with everything else was perfect.

Resonating Actions- Act III

A week after nearly making a fool of myself at the Doctors, the day had come for me to make a fool out of myself at the hospital i.e. the day of my scan. I was terrified now. I had gone to to the Doctors thinking the outcome would be me wasting their time but since I was proven wrong there, I was a little worried.
Ashley had arranged to come with me and attempt to be the knight in shining armour which was helpful as it kept me occupied, however only to a degree.
I had prepared myself for the worst, but I did not want to go in with a negative approach. Ashley could not stress enough how I 'will' be OK, so as he was so sure, I wanted to know where his knowledge was coming from

"...and what if I'm not? How the hell would you know?"

and as he obviously knew nothing, he answered

"well...If you're not then you're not, you just have to make sure that you get yourself through it"

This was the false-hope crap that everyone had been re branding as positive thinking, it hardly restores ones faith in positivity when it never turns out that way, which sounds dramatic but had I lived my life with this outlook on everything, through everything, I would be a deluded, worldly unwise and of course unintelligent human being. I hated this fake reassurance, it was not a kind way of seeking the silver lining in dark situations and luckily, so far, I had managed to surround myself with friends that were genuine and thought likewise so when someone ever attempted

"you'll be fine"

"they don't deserve you"

and

"it's their loss"

just made this so called positive attitude completely pointless, so how come the person saying such things has the monopoly to see and/or say how things turn out. Sure we can have our hopes and our interpretations but I could find no ray of hope, gum drop smile or the end of the rainbow in what dribble some people spout as in my mind it always raises the questions

"how do THEY know?"

and

"where is their evidence?!" 

So to start it in this situation and attempt to 'play God' made me want to shut out the sound and never take them seriously. I do not consider myself a negative person but I do like to suss out both the positive and the negative, for e.g. if the glass is actually 'half empty' as oppose to 'half full' then it is time top get yourself a top-up.

As myself and Ashley arrived at the hospital, I felt nervous, I turned to him and did the weakest thing anyone can ever do; admitted defeat...

"I don't want any of your Mary Poppins crap...! I'm scared. I don't want to go in in case it is bad news, I know it is wrong 'cos I need to find out so I can sort out what I want to do but I need you to keep me calm and not spin the fairytale shit on me. I'm going for a scan and the outcome will be whatever it will be and not some carried through life by angels rubbish that you are use to...OK?"

Ashley agreed so we got out of the car and ventured into the hospital and just as we reached the waiting room, Ashley said

"I think you will be fine"

It is the most annoying thing in the world when people apparently do or say things that are in an attempt to help but do the exact opposite as they clearly have no idea what they are saying, it is as though they are on a permanent Acid trip with their 'everthing will be fine' rubbish and it does in fact make them look like complete idiots despite the respect you may have for them.

The scan was very scary, not the scan in itself but the reason for it. The man had a good grope and then lathered some very cold gel over me. I scanned his face for any immediate reaction, there was a couple on unnerving facial expressions so I asked

"I know you are probably not supposed to tell me until everything has been certified but does everything LOOK OK?"

It was clear the guy did not want to say in case there was a chance he was wrong so he hesitated and strung his answer together

"Well...from what I can see, everything looks fine but you need to wait for the results to be certain"

That was enough for me, I had a feeling that it might be OK. I still had some doubt as I still needed my results to be checked and then I needed to speak with my Doctor. So I went about the rest of my day in a slightly lighter mood. I told Ashley and he was quick to dismiss it now as and 'all clear' but I wanted to wait, so I put on my brave face and went along with him as soon as he said

"That's it! You're fine! I knew you would be."

but I could not allow myself to be so naive, so blind just like Ashley was being right now, so I carried on playing along.

Two weeks later and the acting 'positive' was starting to tire me. I had not yet heard back from the hospital and I was getting worried. Both Ashley and Dave had come to the decision that it was best I assume everything is OK, but as this was regarding my health, I did not feel best to just assume. However when I returned home one morning that week, I had my letter of appointment with the Doctor, I started to panic. I had felt assured since my scan but now I did not know what to think. When Ashley ventured over that day he said he would come with me

"I thought you were OK about it now?"

he asked as though devastated at the shock of me concealing something. Ashley seemed to think he knew me which was a common occurrence with both him and Dave but they were never on the mark with any assumptions they made, they seemed to have this interpretation of me that responded and acted in such predictable way to everything, however they just assumed they were right as oppose to getting to know me and cast their assumptions based on that knowledge, they would have been a bit closer at least with that approach

It was nice of Ashley to try and maintain some positivity in the situation, whether or not he was being genuine he still made time off from whatever he usually he to come with me, I did address that maybe it was all apart of the act to persuade me that he may be a genuine soul but based on my better judgement, I could not trust him at all. However, we did get on so I based our friendship on that and that alone, it was his emotional crap that I could not grasp but if my time with Dave has taught me anything then it is not to trust anyone.

Later that week i.e. Judgement Day, myself and Ashley had found ourselves in the Doctors waiting room in silence, he leant across

"I think you will be fine"

 

I ignored him, it was obvious he was trying to reassure me but I figured it was best to leave those comments be and just wait and the I was called in, I got up and Ashley grabbed my arm

"Good Luck!"

I turned and said thank you, it was no fake positive remark nor was it some co-dependant line ripped straight from Mary Poppins, it was a well wishing comment either way, whatever the outcome and that was worth far more.

The news was fine apparently it was some form of varicose vain and the pills had calmed it down in time for the scan. Ashley did seem genuinely pleased followed by

"I told you!"

it was true, he did say. Later that night as Ashley left my flat, I got to thinking about Ashley's actions. He did show some caring but then also shown acts of not thinking about others at all but then we all do that in particular situations. He did not need to come with me, but he did, he seemed persistent on making me believe his words yet I wanted his actions to back up what he was saying. I was starting to think that besides his bull shit... I needed to at least allow a little bit of of leeway

Resonating Actions- Act II

The following Tuesday, I went for my test. Despite Ashley offering and offering to take me, I went by myself, I tried not to think about it. Luckily my sister had agreed to pick me up from the doctors just in case there was need of any company, usually I had been told before that lumps and bumps that had been found were nothing to worry about but it was nice that someone was there in case this one time it was something to worry about.
As I finally got to the Doctors, they had moved and I had not needed to pay a visit for five years so I had to find my way...so I grabbed myself a taxi.
Once inside everything had changed, it now looked more like a hospital reception than a Doctors waiting room. I sat there now anxious trembling at the possibility of the news being not what I want to hear, people were going in one by one and still I was sat there until the waiting room was pretty much cleared and then my name appeared on the screen so I went in.
I was feeling quite positive and hoping that I may be overreacting. I explained to the Doctor what I had found, based on Dave's description and said that I have not touched it since as I get squeamish. The Doctor was obviously very understanding and then suggested what it might be and that he would need to take a look. So behind the curtain we went, he searched around and said everything seemed fine and then in the exact same area as where Dave had discovered the Doctor said

"There is something there, does that hurt or cause any discomfort?"

"No"

I answered. I started to feel the room spin, black spots were multiplying, I pulled up my trousers and we went to sit down. The Doctor started asking me questions about my sexual health and then the room was spinning faster, I could not bring myself out of it, the sound of his voice became muffled and I tried so hard to think of something else to calm myself down before the lights went out completely. The Doctor then asked

"...are you OK?"

this brought me back a bit and trying not to show any weakness, I said

"yes I'm fine"

to which the Doctor corrected me

"Are you sure? You have gone very pale and disorientated"

I figured that I was in the right place so I admitted defeat

"No, actually I'm not fine"

I was offered a glass of water and a separate room to lie down, the nurse asked if anyone was coming to pick me up and so I had told her my sister was in the car park, or at least she should have been by now. I was very vague with the description of the car and said

"she is in a silver car"

I remembered there were quite a few silver cars there when I walked in so my description had not been that helpful but eventually my sister came waltzing in like some strict mother from the 1950's

"What's up with you?"

I turned, looked and laughed

"I nearly passed out in the Doctors room"

I had a plaster on my thumb due to cutting it at work, the plaster was bright blue and obviously in this occasion ...stuck out like a saw thumb, causing my sister to assume...

"you passed out cos you hurt your thumb?!"

she mocked unashamedly. I explained

"No, I found a lump so I thought I would get it checked..."

my sister, aware of my fear that this reality would bring asked...

"...so, did he find anything?"

slightly worried, I answered her

"Yes and then he started going off, asking all these questions and then I found myself becoming lightheaded"

she looked concerned, and asked

"What was it? Did it feel like a lump?"

I did not tell her the whole story, I could not. So I answered her

"I don't know, I felt it and would not touch it again. Apparently I have to have a scan"

After my sister had helped me make light of the situation, we ventured out to the car.

My sister dropped me off at my place and ventured in, I was OK, there was nothing I could do apart from wait so having someone there was not going to make it go away or take my mind off it but still there was good intention there.

After my sister had left, Ashley came over, we had arranged that I would let him know when my sister had left so they would not bump into each other and there would not be questions.
When inside, Ashley asked

 

"So...?"

 

 

I said that everything was fine. I realised this did not concern him and therefore did not need the burden of it.

That night we went out for dinner, Ashley paid for the meal apparently as I had been

 

 

"so brave"

 

 

I then forgot my intentions and said

 

 

"Don't say that just yet, until I know what's next to come"

 

 

I never was a good liar. We sat in silence for about a minute, Ashley was clearly trying to fathom it in his head just so he knew whether or not carry on seeing me through whatever I was about to experience. I knew deep down both him and Dave did not do 'sick person'.

Ashley still wanting to know if this would be OUR last supper then asked

 

 

"What did you mean 'what's next to come'? I thought you said everything was OK?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Nothing for you to worry about"

 

 

However out of the blue and also out of character he chimed

 

 

"Did they find anything?"

 

 

I told him the truth, if he was going to disappear then at least it would be down to his small mind.

 

 

"why didn't you tell me"

 

 

I did not tell him about my low opinion of him, he was older and liked to pay the playboy and when older men are confronted with the truth about themselves, they become an even bigger, bitter baby.

Ashley asked me how I was feeling and told me he admired my intention to not say anything and to keep it to myself, it may have been slightly vane but I could not tell him that I did not want him involved due to my interpretation of his character.

We changed the subject, slightly, Ashley asked about how my sister responded, what I was going to tell my parents and then how I coped with the news.

 

 

"You didn't pass out did you?"

 

 

I paused...

 

 

"Well...not exactly no..."

 

So there over the as yet undeserving bravery award that was a very delectable curry, I told him the truth about my day. Ashley was very accepting of the news and luckily managed to see the funny side of the situation and he may have actually listened, for once.

 

 

 

 

Resonating Actions- Act I

Too much analysis was making my head ring, I had my perceptions of these two regulars, which was fine in my mind. I did not respond too well to them distorting my opinion of them. It was all casual, I was fine with that. I had no intention of dismissing them completely but they wanted to do all they can to make sure they had another impressionable lay under their belt and also on their bed posts. So with this accepted in my mind, I let them be. I let them lie their arses off, I would let my mind drift off as they spoke about feelings, I had realised that despite me telling them that it was all fine and I did not need to hear their crap, they still refused to stop and if they refused to stop, I refused to listen.
It was a Saturday, I had been out with Liam and Martin when we arrived back at Martin's house for vegan tea, which was regular tea with Soya milk. Liam was telling us about his latest seedy friend, which turned out to be a friend who was married and fathered two children one of which was a year younger than Liam, apparently I had met the guy before which made the story all the more beautiful when Liam said

"you remember 'im, the one with the wonky face babe"

 

So I asked

 

 

 

"The guy was married, old enough to have a son your age and had a wonky face?

what exactly drew you too him?"

to which Liam answered

 

"He wanted to come back to mine and I thought why not?"

 

 

 

rendered slightly speechless and robbed of a suitable answer I said

 

 

 

"well...because of all those reasons I just said"

Liam came back with a complete fail of a comeback...

"Well he ain't 45 babe!"

I reasoned

"what difference does that make? He still has a wonky face a and a kid your age"

 

Martin, then lost his way with the conversation

"how did being 45 come into it?"

to which I said to Martin abruptly

"NOTHING! Look...Vegan tea!"

 

Martin had a thing for ginger girls, he had been very close to our friend Foxy who was very ginger. They had been on nights out together on numerous occasions, seen each other drunk and also hungover the following morning but...

"What the fuck babe! How ave you been drunk together and not 'ad sex! She is ginger and...well you're black! The myth alone should have secured you that glowing clout babe"

 

Shrieked Liam. Martin just laughed, he said he found her very nice but would get very annoyed with her should it venture in any other direction than where it is now, so Martin found a bottom line...

"She is a bit stupid and I would get annoyed with her"

 

The following week, I was doing my laundry when I received a phone call from a very hysterical Martin

Martin: "Foxy is my new housemate"

Myself: "WHAT?! How did this come about? I thought you decided she was annoying?"

Martin: "she is annoying but I need a new house mate and she has just started her new job"

 

not wanting to ruin Martin's optimism I asked

"What happened to just fucking her?"

Martin: "I can't do that, I'm not like that"

Myself: "You can't do that NOW no...! She IS like that so asking her to move in was probably not the best way to get her into bed"

 

and then out of the blue I passed on the gospel of my own experiences

 

"...The only way to deal with people like that, is to treat them the same as they wish to be treated; reel her in, get what you want and then toss her back out and then you're done"

to which Martin responded

"...and be like you?"

Martin's response stopped me in my tracks, he did have a point. I was giving out advice as if I knew better and truth be told, I was exactly the same just over a year ago. I had treated people, guys and girls, the same and then moved onto the next and now because of falling weak to emotion, I was speaking as though I was completely different to Foxy. I did not how else to respond to this so I agreed...

 

"yes, at least that way you do not have to deal with the burden of other people's needs etc. Think about it. If you don't get attached then no one gets hurt."

Martin pleaded

"I'm not like that though, I've too much love to give..."

There was a pause of silence and then we both burst into laughter, it was good that Martin saw the funny side of it, but it was not going to improve his chances with Foxy.

That night at The Haus Of Beige, myself and Dave had just been at it like two rabbits, I had been finding it slightly exhausting separating myself between David and Ashley. I had carried on seeing both of them for my own reasons but it did not take a fool to figure out which one was of more importance.

For both Dave and Ashley, I was there to serve a purpose and then it was time to go. I was all OK with this but the banter that came with it alienated everything. It was not something I could speak about with my friends. I was tiring myself out dividing my time especially when one night I had been out for a drink with Ashley and had wanted to meet Dave afterwards. I had not seen Dave as I was trying to see him only once a week and what with my doubts with Ashley, despite the night already being arranged, I had really wanted to meet with Dave instead. So after my meal and a drink with Ashley, he dropped me off home, came in and gave me my goodnight hug, I was worried he would take it further but this time, it stopped after a hug and then we said our goodnight and Ashley left. As Ashley walked away and as I was pushing the door to shut he turned back, I held the door and Ashley said

"I love you"

Pitying his attempts, I asked

 

"What?!"

 

Ashley looking like a small boy who had just been told off by his mother in front of a crowded room said

 

"...Nothing, I shouldn't have said that.

Forget I said anything.

I will see you tomorrow. Goodnight"

I quickly ended the night with a very quick

"OK, Goodnight!"

 

I slammed the door shut and despite locking it, I leant with all my weight against it. I then got my stuff together and called a taxi to go to Dave's. I was quite angry with Ashley at how stupid he thought I was. At least I knew Dave would never go this far unless he had had his minimum of three pints. It was definitely a safe place to be right now so off I went to Dave's house as secondly arranged. I was welcomed with some rampant action.

The next morning, I was woken by Dave's wandering hands. He was making his way around my torso, slowly and working their way down. I was dreaming I was swimming up until I was woken by my arousal to find Dave with my proud member in his grasp, his hands wandered around that area and were gently caressing until he suddenly stopped...

"What's that?"

Dave asked, as we met on a one night bout of fun which seemed to be lasting nearly a year, it was thought of as strange for him to have come across something that he had not yet noticed.

"What's what?"

I asked waiting for embarrassment

 

 

"That there"

he brought the 'abnormality' to my attention by touch, which happened to be on my right testicle. I flinched, possibly out of terror as oppose to pain  or discomfort. Dave asked me to touch it and check for myself, I could not bring myself to do it. I was as much a wimp with anything like this as I was at expressing my emotions. However in all honesty, I was terrified.

"It will be fine, nothing for you to worry about"

 

I said, in an attempt to change the subject and move on. Dave said

"you should get it seen to"

"I will"

I replied.

Later that day, after rushing home for the 2.30 ritual, Ashley turned up at my door. I was doing my best to not think of the abnormality Dave had pointed out earlier that day but Ashley seemed to pick up on something, despite acting my arse off...

"What's the matter?"

he asked, calmly.

"Nothing, why?"

I stressed quite nervously.

 

"You seem weird? Is it because of what I said last night? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it, it just came out, sorry."

 

I had completely forgotten about Ashley's dropping of the ball, no pun intended, on our little rendezvous, so I told him just that

"Oh, I had completely forgotten about that. I'm not paying it any attention to be honest."

He said

"Oh, OK. Well then there must be something else up with you?"

I was getting rather annoyed at the quizzing, especially when it was none of Ashley's business, whatever was going on with me, it was there for me to deal with and me alone.

"What makes you think that?"

I asked, to which he donned his assertive hat and tried:

 

"Because you're acting all weird, you won't hold any eye contact and you say it's not what I said last night so it must be something else 'cos you are never normally like this, so what is it?"

as I was contemplating an argument about what he said last night in an attempt to stop him trying to manipulate me, the truth just flew out.

 

"I found something on my right testicle and I don't know what it is!"

 

Or at least not the whole truth.

 

"What?! Like what? A lump? What?"

Ashley asked,

"I don't know, something...extra, something that should not be there, I get squeamish with things like that!"

Ashley smirked, and said

"You're gay and yet you get squeamish over balls?"

Truth was that I did not get squeamish over balls, I was just found myself squeamish over my own in case I found anything and others only if I was to find something, other than that I can claim that I am a fan! It started one day when I was in the shower before School, I thought I found something on one of my testicles and tried to search for it on the other, I had figured if it was symmetrical then it would be a vein or a gland etc but then I thought...

"What if I have it on both?!"

the room started spinning as my mind went on overdrive and then the next thing I remember, I was coming back too by the shouting of my mother from outside the bathroom door

"Are you OK? What happened?!"

My teacher was very amused the next morning when he received my absence note.

I explained this to Ashley and he just looked at me and we both laughed. It was silly of me but I was only 14 years old. Ashley said

"So are you going to get it seen to?"

I said

"Yes, I called my Doctor today and I have an appointment next Tuesday"

to which Ashley offered

"I will take you"

I insisted that I went on my own as I did not want all the 'you'll be fine' crap, I wanted to just go and wait and see with no idea of an outcome.