The Weakness In Me

After being told plenty of times that you live your life like a closed book, you suddenly see what people meant when the weakening moment of emotions sets in. This theory had not quite been realised by myself, it was at the back of my mind that I may need to get a grip but the curse that emotion brings had taken a hold.
The following Friday after the introduction of Janine, myself and Dave had arranged that I would cook a meal. I took one of his Nigella cook books and flicked for inspiration. I picked a bacon and pepper topped chicken marinated in white wine. This was apparently all the meal consisted of so I customised it with some potatoes, salad and a vinegarette dressing.
Very Proud of my choice I bought two bottles of white wine to go with th meal a Pinot Grigio and as they were on offer, we had two.
We had been in contact during that day, via text message and then he called me at lunch time to check if everything was running smoothly, he said he called to check if I was still cooking but the intention was clear.
When I arrived at Dave's house he came to the door to let me in and asked if I was OK, whether or not I had, had a good day and if I would like a drink, all very normal behaviour which just added to the anticipation of what I was about to encounter. As we walked through to the kitchen area he asked if I was hungry and if I had eaten, I was hungry and had not eaten, so I was very hungry. He had a quick look through the bag and quite campy made an "OOH!" sound, complete with camp expression, had this of been anyone else, the camp behaviour would have put me off but this had a slight irony about it despite it seeming in character.
We then walked through to the conservatory, he led the way and there sat Sally, the same Sally I had spoken to while her and Dave had been on the tipple a couple of weeks ago. Sally was very welcoming, she was polite and cheerful and had the decency to not just involve me in the conversation but also look at me whilst speaking to me, unlike Janine.
I was actually asked questions this time, about what I did, if and what I was studying, even when she was speaking with Dave about his job she included me. Apparently she too had heard a lot about me which of course is always something one must say when meeting someone you have heard at least a snippet about but at least she did try.
She had a glass of wine when I got there and despite here doing most of the talking she polished it up quite quickly which then led to 'trying' the wine that I bought. I did not mind that had a couple of glasses, in all honesty I found it quite endearing that she actually asked me as oppose to waiting to be asked. The clock was ticking and I was getting more hungry, Sally had shared a bottle of wine with us that was meant for the meal, it was all OK as I had got two in an offer anyway.
There was something in the way Sally looked at Dave, they had history and it was obvious in her affectionate gaze that some feelings still lingered.
When Sally left, we made a start on the food, I was supposed to be cooking but Dave did decide to take over and try to show me how he thought it should be done, we spoke about Sally throughout the cooking, they had been in a relationship together about ten years ago until he realised that he was gay.
I did wonder, why am I meeting all these friends and why are they apparently hearing "so much about me". Despite my feelings I did not question, it could all be innocent and I do not want to make a fool of myself.
After the meal we finished the wine and went up to bed. We carried on with the unfinished football kit that I attempted when I stayed with him in between houses. He liked the fabric, the shorts stayed on, it was hot, it was like he made me take it but I was definitely willing. He took me from behind, moving the shorts out of the way and with both hands on my waist he pulled me back onto his cock. The sound of his breath was getting me more excited, he then pulled out and stood up on the bed and inserted himself into me again, with both hands on my back, pushing me down, he stood squatting as he thrust himself into me, he moved his hands to my shoulders to pull me back onto him when he rammed his hard tool into me, stopping and holding it deep and then he thrust harder and faster with his hands around my neck and then bringing them back down to my back, pushing me down. I came very shortly before him, which was rare, I was usually afterwards.
The next day we lay there talking about life, I was dying to ask him to be my boyfriend and I tried so hard to keep it in, I kept saying in my head "Now!" but I could not bring myself to say it out loud. Just then it flew out of my mouth as though I had no control, we were sort of seeing each other, he had introduced me to his friends and he sometimes spoke as though we were in a relationship for example he had made comments about when we get older and when I whisk him off on holiday and reciting things that he said the night before whilst drunk but only again when he was sober. So the words flew out of my mouth

"would you like to be my boyfriend?" 

he then responded

"Define 'Boyfriend'"

I quickly justified

"I'm yours and you are mine?"

he said

"what does a relationship mean to you?"

I answered

"Togetherness, being open, Independence, closeness, Money"

His expression changed as soon as I mentioned money. I did not mean anything in the way of sponging. So I quickly finished

"...Money not being an issue"

I had clearly lost him in the conversation at this point, I wanted to make a point of money not meaning anything, as long as we both had our own money it would not be a problem, kind of like independence, which I wish I had of stuck with but I did not want him assuming that I had an agenda, I would never ask the guy for a penny and now I was looking like some gold digger.

However, in an attempt to shut me up, he said

"I already thought we were like that anyway"

but I had to dig my hole even further;

"I haven't slept with anyone else since meeting you"

clearly feeling like he was backed into a corner he responded

"Neither have I...the only problem I have is that you could find a more suited job and then move away and it's like "thanks...bye", where would I stand?"

He had a point, the thing is, if things did get so serious that I believed his faux feelings could be genuine then he would have the right to negotiate the options, I would have never disposed of someone of such an important role in my life for that reason. This was explained but not really responded to. I did mention him introducing me to his friends and his intentions were because

"I like you and I value my friends opinion"

I did not know exactly what this meant, if there was hang ups that he did tolerate then the answer is clear?  Maybe he was unsure of his feelings? Or unsure of the age difference?

Whatever it was he was not letting me know the whole deal but thinking that going along with things is not the best way of dealing with things.

So, I left his that night feeling that I had sold my soul, I felt bare and I exposed but with no outcome. I had to find a way to redeem myself and pretty much just grow a pair I guess. Emotions can be bad and I needed to keep mine 6ft under the surface before they got to much. 

The Recognising Moment

Folk say that you can never truly know a person until you have lived with them, however a week is not long enough. I was helping Dave move house, he was living in one of his houses that he rented out and was preparing to move into a more customised spruced up palace.The new house was finished and he need to get in there and as he did me a huge favour when I moved house, I had agreed to help.
We packed up his car to the brim and then shifted the load from the old house to the new. It was all very military planned no time for breaks not including a drink break..literally pack the car, drive, empty the car, drive back and pack up the car again. It got the job done though.
The next day I spent my time packing his CD's. This chore was introduced as such a responsibility that it was almost believed to be a big job...it was not. It was so big that I managed to make myself a coffee and do the job in my underwear, they were all tightly packed so there were no stray CDs out of boxes and of course labelled, with my time to spare, I managed to wrap up some ornaments too.
A couple of nights later his friend Janine was coming over, apparently she had been told all about me, I figured it was in my best interest to wait and see if there was to be a vacant look on her face when she saw me, there actually was not, she did seem to have heard of me, unless she was being polite.
She did not hold much contact with me, she would not look me in the eye or bring me into the conversation, as a result I started to lose interest with what she was saying until she mentioned something about age. some one being young, so young which caused for her to turn to me and trill

"but not as young as you, but still young" 

I felt excluded: from the conversation, the situation and the room. This was a woman who had a decent job, with a decent position that was worth getting up for in the morning surely she was not envious of a person's age? She was definitely mildy ageist, there was no denying it, but it did not quite yet border on bitterness, although she did look good for her age she probably wanted the time again to go with it.

When the catch up conversation between David and Janine had finished it was tim to get shifting more stuff to Dave's new house. We filled up both his and her cars with stuff, just the one trip for Janine though. Dave shown her around his new castle as I unloaded some of the car as I was told to start on unloading the car.

after we had unloaded the cars into his garage, Janine said her goodbyes probably to rush off to a pending Self Importance Class... She shook my hand and said

"It was nice to meet you, I'm sure I will see you soon.

Bye Dave, I'll see you soon"

Dave replied from the kitchen

"See you soon Jan"

I was speechless for a moment... I know it is only a turn of phrase but all this 'I will see you soon' seemed a bit too much of a false saying. How will we know if we will see each other soon? and if it turns out that we do not see each other soon then the comment becoes even more redundant than it sounds in the first place surely?

Hold tight..."it is only just something people say" I reassured myself, just like when people say 'Hi' this comparison made my blood boil even more as 'Hi' is not even a word! I breathed and counted to 3 (I did not need to wait for 10) and then let Janine out, she walked straight past me like I was actually there to open the door, sure we had already said our goodbyes but surely at pretentious primay they do not forbid manners?

So I said a simple

"See you"

admittedly I found this diminishing to the soul but I met them halfway and dropped the 'soon'. Janine turned around as she reached the halfway mark between the house and her declaration of importance car and smirked whilst looking sideways and said sarcastically

"bye"

It dawned on me that maybe her cold behaviour was based on experience of Dave's friends, that maybe I did not need much of a reception as I my exsistance is not worthy of such a thing and I probably will not be around for very long?

After dave had sorted his things we had to go to Sally's house as he had said he would feed their two cats while she was away on holiday. I did mention that I had wondered if she was a bit cold with me, Dave did dispute it and moaned at me for being a negative "about everything". I was of course unaware that I was being paranoid and in relation to that why was I being paranoid? Was there anything to be paranoid about? even if there was then why am I feeling paranoid?

When we got back to Dave's house, we sat in his conservatory, we sat there talking mainly about pointless things including my comment on Ice Queen Janine Powerhouse. I was trying to redeem myself after my comments had led to his anger earlier on outside Sally's house. He said he did not realise why I was getting wound up by it and that maybe he could not understand why because he said he did not think about things in the same way nor take them as seriously, which then led him to replying with silly answers in silly voices to every comment I made in attempt to redeem myself, which did lighten the tone and eased me a bit and then I looked at him and just had to kiss him I knew that there was more in me than what we had spoke about before, the putting me up, free talking, coming to see me, picking me up and sometimes taking me to work, the laughs and the jokes as well as the other things we got up to that go hand in hand with everything. That is when I fell, when I realised that for me, this was not just a bit of fun. I could not tell him, not this night, I would have to eventually if it got in the way but at this time I did not want to stp seeing him and each time we parted, I definitely wanted to see him more...'soon'

Somewhere In Limbo?

The week of homelessness was drawing near, I had arranged to stay with my friend Martin but he could only put me up for a couple of days which left most of the week with no roof. I did not want to put Dave out as it would mean his night National Trust service would be restricted.
We did speak about it though and he said he did not mind putting me up for the whole week if needed.
As much I would have liked, I was hoping this would not be the case.
As the week drew even closer, I had to take him up on his offer, I enjoyed his company, we would hardly see each other so we would not be living in each others pockets I guess and it would allow him to gain some perspective on his premature comment about wanting to live together in 6 months.
The day I moved in, he had gone out, I emptied all my bags and repacked them whilst watching television, I had not watched television for about a year, it was not very entertaining. I made myself  a coffee and waited, struggling to keep my eyes open.
A couple of hours later, I woke...it was very nearly dark (summertime) and still no sign of Dave, he had been gone a long time and I was getting bored so I made my way upstairs. I put the television on in his bedroom and based on what we had been talking about doing in the bedroom, I put on my fitted football kit: a tight Italian style football shirt with short white 80's sport shorts, with white briefs underneath. I sat and watched a bit of T.V. but it was getting too much, I had been moving my stuff all day and I gave in and fell asleep.
I was eventually woken up by Dave when he returned. It was quite frustrating that he had not said either way whether or not he was going to be late but I guess it was up to me to go ahead to sleep if I was tired. He said he was quite tired himself anyway so we went straight to sleep, only to wake up during the night for midnight madness, which was probably hotter as it was based on touch and smell as oppose to all the five senses. It was soft at first, caressing, stroking, rubbing, grabbing, spanking very arousing as his hands found their way around and moving on to the teasing of the foreplay and then the hard fucking. He had me on my back at first; thrusting himself into me, biting on my nipples, moving up to my neck and then my lips to turn me over and make me take him from behind; firmly holding my waist pulling me back and forth onto his hard shaft, the way his cock stretched my ass felt great, I could feel every inch of his throbbing cock. Then it was back to sleep where we lay in embrace.
The next day was my day off, we went over to his new house. A semi detached that was being done up to suit his own taste; a modern take on a 1940's style. It was light and all sound echoed as it was nearly empty. It was very nice and so far in keeping with the intended theme; the floor was all mosaic that I had experienced in houses that I have once found as a dwelling. He shown re around his creation in progress and then he wrote down his measurements for something or other in his kitchen. As we arranged to leave the new surroundings got the better of us and next thing I was on my knees in his incomplete kitchen taking him in my mouth; working the head, the frenulum and then the whole length...balls deep, the latter he seemed to like. We moved to the downstairs bathroom where I was bent over the sink and he pounded away at my ass like a sailor on leave, he gripped my body as he came, pulled up his things and then went back to taking his measurements.
We left shortly after and went back to his house where he was staying until he moved in, he asked me at least twice if I liked the house as apparently it was hot topic with the friends he had shown around and nothing to do with him asking me to live with him, which was OK as I had had my doubts about his intentions of asking anyway but what did HE think I was thinking of the matter?
I did not want to bring it up as it surely was not a deep matter? but then why ask if someone wants to live together?
On the journey home we had the radio on in the background and we were talking about direction in life, he had mentioned that my job would not be forever and that

"We can get you on £40,000 a year, then you can whisk me off somewhere"

Clearly this was a joke, but there was no laughing no light tone, it was quite serious and Dave was not the sort of dry humor. I was slightly bewildered by the comment but took it light heartedly as there was no way he was being serious.

I had a nice week that week, I enjoyed Dave's company but I could help but realise that he was tiring of mine. I tried to keep my distance, just in case, but on my return back to his place I wondered...

who has been in his bed before me tonight?

I had had doubts as to whether there would be something that came up that would stop him from coming at all, I was given no time, not even a rough estimate but there I just had to wait. This guy had been there to talk to and then put me up as well as hold some of my stuff so I held some faith in him and I was sat waiting around just like the day I went to stay with him, although this time I was sat around in an empty shell.

He rolled up on the car park across the road and came over with some sort of tipple as a house warming/ new found freedom celebratory gift.

When I showed him around, all three rooms, I could tell that he was not impressed, I had stressed that it was a bit of a rushed decision but in the time it was probably the better and cheaper option...I prefer to think of it as value for my money.

We had a drink and then watched a movie in bed, or at least in a folded over duvet. My laptop decided to had a nervous breakdown which left us some time for a bit of extra entertainment just to christen the place. We both reached climax at the same time, usually it was not at the same time but around the same time...possibly.

Dave got up earlier that morning to escape the lower burrow and ventured home to get himself ready for work and probably for reassurance.

The following Monday it was Dave's birthday, he had told me that he was going out with friends but I was welcome to

"come over and wait"

Being the impressionable person I was becoming, I agreed, I had stayed over the night before anyway just to give him his card and presents: a silly moneybox with Davosaurus written on the side and Ellie Goulding's CD that I remember him banging on about since we met. He appeared at least grateful.

When I arrived, there was presents, cards, their wrapping and paper all scattered over the kitchen worktops, there was a clock next to the microwave which must have been the gayest thing I had ever seen, or at least the gayest thing that could be associated with a man his age, it looked like a metallic flower! The way the room had been left was reminiscent of a child's birthday yet stated generosity and friendship, it was nice to see. Once again I was sat with the sound of the clock ticking, I watched a bit of the Television and then the film Closer all of which finished before his drunken return home...it was his birthday.

There we were sat on his sofa, with the Graham Norton Show on in the background, JLS were on and we commented on each of the members which was all innocent until

"None of them look as good as you"

 I responded

"yeah ,whatever"

to which he slurred

"No, seriously, I love you"

It was clearly the drink talking, yet he thought it would be a good idea to tell me, the following morning, that he meant what he said. I did not know what to believe, he could have just dismissed it as drunken banter. I did not feel that he was telling me the truth, a part of me did not want him to be telling the truth...but then the other part of me did.

I could not grasp any reason why he would say this to me apart from as a result of intoxication. He had told me he meant it but it just did not ring true.

I only knew that if he did mean it, I had 5 more months to see how things panned out to see if this guy's actions truly did speak louder than his words.

Beyond Arms Length?

During the holiday, I started off fine, we had spent quite a lot of time together already that a break was due. However if I am honest, I did miss him. I desperately needed to snap out of it. I had assumed I would hear nothing from him over the two weeks that he was away, but he was quite consistent with his text messages, it would be bad to expect him to call. It was kind of like receiving a postcard over two weeks with the occasional 'dirty' text, especially towards the end of his holiday. Text messages such as

"expect a hard ramming thru the night when I get back"

I was actually counting down the hours, what was wrong with me? Over the last week I had missed him so much that it was clear I had feelings for him, how do I deal with this? I cannot tell him but I cannot tell anyone else as my friends did not yet know about me.
The night he finally returned home he had been texting me asking me to go over to his when he got back. I had spent the day waiting; I had cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room and my bedroom, I had, had a shower, a shave and had also eaten while watching a film! There literally was nothing left to do but wait.
It was nearly midnight when I received a phone call from Dave telling me he was in the taxi. I had gotten ready for bed but it I did not seem to mind so I got myself dressed and called a cab.
Dave was already in bed when I got there, he was a bit bronze and it was not the decor reflecting on his skin, it was a real tan. I got undressed and climbed into bed with him, we spoke about his holiday despite him texting me about it and then hands started to wander, everything felt like new, his touch felt fresh, his skin felt smoother, I remember him being very assertive with his hands, very firm, putting me into positions, hold me in those positions...it was passionate, the passion for sex and not each other.
It had felt like forever...nearly, I had not slept with anyone while he had been away, he may have done and it was important that I addressed this possibility, but it did not bother me, I was having a good time and if my feelings were to get in the way...I could just keep it quiet and ignore it.
The following week I was out with work folk. We had ventured out of the city and right into another one. I worked with my housemate Liam and he was having financial problems some of which I was a part of such as bills that was in his name and had been kept, piling up in his room and not been dealt with at all in the correct way. That along with phones he had bought and could not fund. Luckily we were coming to the end of our tenancy but the bills would still be lingering. I enjoyed my time living with Liam and we had even put our names and funds down for somewhere else to both share but I had gave lectures incessantly about how we all needed to be put on the bills so we could pay our share and not be dragged into someone elses debt. However, details aside, Liam had decided that he was going to return home come the end of the tenancy 200miles away down south. I was a a little down about it but more importantly was intrigued by these bills that needed paying.

"I can't afford to live independently any more, I need to go home and start afresh"

It was not exactly an answer to any of the numerous questions but I knew where I stood.

So he got completely drunk and we had to leave early so I could escort him home...in a taxi, which was funded by yours truly. When we got back, I had been texting Dave and we had agreed that I would go over. Liam walked home alone as I told him I was going to Jepetal's. I hopped in another taxi and headed to Dave's house. We did not have sex that night, it did seem like we needed to, we lay together which was just fine.

I lay thinking about my living arrangements, I had put money down for us both to live somewhere and Liam was not in a financial position to pay rent until a replacement was found. The next morning when I returned home, I asked him if he was serious, apparently he was. The next day I went and informed the letting agents of the situation, they said they would keep advertising it but we would not get our money back, it did not seem like the biggest deal at that moment. I started looking for somewhere for myself, I kept my options open, I had been living with complete strangers for the past two years and had made some damn good friends from it so I did not rule out sharing again.

I looked at two flats, time was ticking and I needed somewhere that was decent for the money! I looked around one flat that was just a room, I told the estate agent that my bedroom at my parents house was bigger than what I had just witnessed. She laughed

"is that a no?"

The next flat I looked at was in an old house, quirky, dated but also spacious, it was not the best but I could make it more suited. All I needed was someone to take the house I was signed to which it did the following week, to two girls. I raced over to tell my letting agent I would take the quirky barn and I had somewhere to live! Very lucky as I would be moving out of the current house in two weeks!
The only catch was that I could not move in my new place until the July 8th which WAS bad luck as I moved out of my current dwelling on June 30th. I had asked my friend Martin if I could house my stuff there, luckily he agreed. I had been keeping Dave up to date with things as they were happening so the current event would need to be kept from him. I did not want him to think I was hinting for a a place to stay. Despite my intentions, I did tell him and he did offer; in an empty sounding joking way so I had my answer...NO!
I had asked my parents but then that would mean time off work, my friends had no space as they were all sharing and my friend Martin had gave in slightly and said I could stay for two nights at the end of the week which would have been one night as I would have been in my flat by the end of the week.
as the final two weeks were rapidly passing me by, it was looking like I would be staying with one of my parents and possibly commuting to work by train!
One night after our usual ritual of horizontal jogging, Dave asked me about my situation with my living arrangements. Since making himself clear on the matter, I had kept quiet about it when in his company. I did say that everything was sorted apart from a few days in that week where I had nowhere to stay. He then shocked me to the core and offered to put me up for the whole week if I had liked.
I thanked him and said I would let him know.

Nice to Make Your Aquaintance?

The following week I had found myself becoming a regular visitor at the House of Beige. I had realised that I was  probably not the only one. The House of Beige appeared to me as having one of those memberships similar to The National Trust, it was all good, we were all there for the common interest and that had nothing to do with the puddle shades showcased throughout this manor!
It was easy, relaxed with no pressure and as no one knew about my second lifestyle, it also felt quite liberating.
He had mentioned camping and I was warming to the idea, I had never even considered camping before and as it was with someone who had been plenty of times; it felt like a good idea.
The first weekend in June, we had arranged to do something, we had not yet decided what this something was but were thinking about it...
I was excited, I was really looking forward to spending time doing something that I never normally would. His ideas of things to do were not exactly out of the ordinary but they were things I had not taken the time to even consider doing. I am usually far too busy to go walking in the woods or go camping...the fact is everyone gets busy and he made it sound so casual that it felt uplifting.
I arrived at work excited that when I left, my weekend would begin...this was not going to be the case. I was asked to work the next day and I was not in a position to turn it down. I had sent him a text message to let him know, which I agree I should not have done, I should have waited until we were face to face. Te following time I looked at my phone, he had replied:

"How come you have to work?

I thought we had planned to do something?

if you didn't want to see why didn't you just say?"

I felt so guilty, he called me and accepted that it was already done and mentioned that I went over that night. We discussed it of course and arranged for me to go over after I had finished work. We had a Barbecue and one his friends, who he knew from being a past conquest, turned up and joined us, it would have been silly of me to think that because I had dented the weekend with working then the rest had to be scrapped also. However, it did seem like a possibility. His friend was very nice, pleasant, polite and did not let the fact that a 25 year old was standing in the room. He asked me questions about education and work and seemed to listen to what I was saying. I did feel somewhat paranoid about what I said as they have done it all anyway so it was kind of old news for them but they seemed to listen which felt more like they were trying to figure me out.
We had a good evening, for desert we had BBQ'ed bananas, this was looked upon as a crazy act by his friend, I was thinking of it as one of those 'first time for everything' moments and it turned out to be quite tasty...with Vanilla yogurt.
They sat and spoke about holidays and stuff they were doing in their group of friends and spoke of other friends...I was sat in the corner; to be seen and not heard with a bottle of beer.
I did think that maybe the friend could have waited until another time i.e. when I was not there but who was I to mention such a thing.
A couple of nights after. Myself and Dave had arranged to meet around his. He had been out with his ex-girlfriend Sally and for some reason wanted me to meet her. He was clearly drunk, about two weeks of sleeping together and Mr. Unimportant (me) was being paraded around infront of the friends like an object, I was more than an object..I considered myself, at least, a toy. I was being asked to join them in the pub they wre sat in. After thinking we would be meeting earlier and keeping my evening free, just to be sat around doing nothing but waiting, I figured why not? So I got my stuff together when I received a phone call. There was two drunk people down the other end asking me where I was and if I was going to meet them, I said yes and then was about explian myself when a woman came onto the phone...

"Hi I'm Sally, I've heard quite a bit about you. Are you joining us for a drink?"

"Yes?"

I replied. I figured if I humored them it would stop more questions. The truth is I wanted to go, I was putting stuff together as I spoke to both of them but I was unsure whether to meet any of his friends in case I was not what they wanted him to have in an aquaintance plus I did not know how he had introduced my existance and also... I did not quite know of the pub they was in.

It did not take me long to pack my stuff and leave when he text telling me he was already home. I got myself a taxi instead as I did not want to walk the whole journey with him waiting.
He was already in bed when I arrived, the room did have a slight alcohol smell to it but he was not uncontrollably drunk. Turns out it was something like a three pints maximum to make him anyone's.

The next morning, he told me he was going on holiday in two weeks...for two weeks, I thought nothing of it but we did make the odd joke about me pining away, which was laughed off, despite his tone suggesting that is what he believed.

I did not really think much it, the truth is I had not really thought much of him as anything other than a 'fuck buddy' but I had not slept with anyone else within that month of knowing him. I had to question myself...what the hell am I doing?

I do not know the guy, yes he can be quite nice to be in the company of but it is nothing serious...it's just sex! I was becoming confused of my own doing.

Later that week we lay joking about silly things such as my hair style, we poked fun at each other. It was light hearted, although he took himself too seriously and therefore it would not take much for hm to get offended. That aside though, somehow the topic changed to gay lifestyle, I may have suggested that I was fond of him and had not been sleeping with anyone since we got together, which at that point had been about a month...not very long! He suggested that it was just a bit of fun, which was fine with me but I was only telling the truth but it was good to know whwer I stood without long conversations of love and life possibly resulting in not seeing him again. Which led me to think that maybe I should get myself out there more to take whatever edge that was there...off!

When I arrived home that next morning, mortified, I tried not to think about it... but it was all I could think about. Why had I exposed myself like that. Fair enough I had not gone around there claiming my undying love for him as if we were Romeo and Juliet, but it was far too much than I was willing to bare. I text him, I thought if I start acting casual again then everything will be reset, I asked him how his day was, I got nothing. Then about an hour later he replied

"If we are still together in 6 months, would you like to live with me?"

It was nice that he was suggesting that he did not want me to fuck off, but it was a bit of a stupid way of saying it, at that time of knowing someone for only a month!
I responded:

"ask me again in 6 months"

my response was in keeping with his approach, yet suggested that I will still be around in that time should he ask again.

I did not hear from him for the rest of the day, I did get worried so I waitied until the next day to speak to him. Apparently he did mean it but it was far too soon to know about that let alone ask!

We pushed it aside and carried on. I did wonder why introduce me to his friends, why invite me around nearly every night and did he even mean any of it?

I realised that I needed to push it all aside and just carry on as normal until further notice.