After being told plenty of times that you live your life like a closed book, you suddenly see what people meant when the weakening moment of emotions sets in. This theory had not quite been realised by myself, it was at the back of my mind that I may need to get a grip but the curse that emotion brings had taken a hold.
The following Friday after the introduction of Janine, myself and Dave had arranged that I would cook a meal. I took one of his Nigella cook books and flicked for inspiration. I picked a bacon and pepper topped chicken marinated in white wine. This was apparently all the meal consisted of so I customised it with some potatoes, salad and a vinegarette dressing.
Very Proud of my choice I bought two bottles of white wine to go with th meal a Pinot Grigio and as they were on offer, we had two.
We had been in contact during that day, via text message and then he called me at lunch time to check if everything was running smoothly, he said he called to check if I was still cooking but the intention was clear.
When I arrived at Dave's house he came to the door to let me in and asked if I was OK, whether or not I had, had a good day and if I would like a drink, all very normal behaviour which just added to the anticipation of what I was about to encounter. As we walked through to the kitchen area he asked if I was hungry and if I had eaten, I was hungry and had not eaten, so I was very hungry. He had a quick look through the bag and quite campy made an "OOH!" sound, complete with camp expression, had this of been anyone else, the camp behaviour would have put me off but this had a slight irony about it despite it seeming in character.
We then walked through to the conservatory, he led the way and there sat Sally, the same Sally I had spoken to while her and Dave had been on the tipple a couple of weeks ago. Sally was very welcoming, she was polite and cheerful and had the decency to not just involve me in the conversation but also look at me whilst speaking to me, unlike Janine.
I was actually asked questions this time, about what I did, if and what I was studying, even when she was speaking with Dave about his job she included me. Apparently she too had heard a lot about me which of course is always something one must say when meeting someone you have heard at least a snippet about but at least she did try.
She had a glass of wine when I got there and despite here doing most of the talking she polished it up quite quickly which then led to 'trying' the wine that I bought. I did not mind that had a couple of glasses, in all honesty I found it quite endearing that she actually asked me as oppose to waiting to be asked. The clock was ticking and I was getting more hungry, Sally had shared a bottle of wine with us that was meant for the meal, it was all OK as I had got two in an offer anyway.
There was something in the way Sally looked at Dave, they had history and it was obvious in her affectionate gaze that some feelings still lingered.
When Sally left, we made a start on the food, I was supposed to be cooking but Dave did decide to take over and try to show me how he thought it should be done, we spoke about Sally throughout the cooking, they had been in a relationship together about ten years ago until he realised that he was gay.
I did wonder, why am I meeting all these friends and why are they apparently hearing "so much about me". Despite my feelings I did not question, it could all be innocent and I do not want to make a fool of myself.
After the meal we finished the wine and went up to bed. We carried on with the unfinished football kit that I attempted when I stayed with him in between houses. He liked the fabric, the shorts stayed on, it was hot, it was like he made me take it but I was definitely willing. He took me from behind, moving the shorts out of the way and with both hands on my waist he pulled me back onto his cock. The sound of his breath was getting me more excited, he then pulled out and stood up on the bed and inserted himself into me again, with both hands on my back, pushing me down, he stood squatting as he thrust himself into me, he moved his hands to my shoulders to pull me back onto him when he rammed his hard tool into me, stopping and holding it deep and then he thrust harder and faster with his hands around my neck and then bringing them back down to my back, pushing me down. I came very shortly before him, which was rare, I was usually afterwards.
The next day we lay there talking about life, I was dying to ask him to be my boyfriend and I tried so hard to keep it in, I kept saying in my head "Now!" but I could not bring myself to say it out loud. Just then it flew out of my mouth as though I had no control, we were sort of seeing each other, he had introduced me to his friends and he sometimes spoke as though we were in a relationship for example he had made comments about when we get older and when I whisk him off on holiday and reciting things that he said the night before whilst drunk but only again when he was sober. So the words flew out of my mouth
The following Friday after the introduction of Janine, myself and Dave had arranged that I would cook a meal. I took one of his Nigella cook books and flicked for inspiration. I picked a bacon and pepper topped chicken marinated in white wine. This was apparently all the meal consisted of so I customised it with some potatoes, salad and a vinegarette dressing.
Very Proud of my choice I bought two bottles of white wine to go with th meal a Pinot Grigio and as they were on offer, we had two.
We had been in contact during that day, via text message and then he called me at lunch time to check if everything was running smoothly, he said he called to check if I was still cooking but the intention was clear.
When I arrived at Dave's house he came to the door to let me in and asked if I was OK, whether or not I had, had a good day and if I would like a drink, all very normal behaviour which just added to the anticipation of what I was about to encounter. As we walked through to the kitchen area he asked if I was hungry and if I had eaten, I was hungry and had not eaten, so I was very hungry. He had a quick look through the bag and quite campy made an "OOH!" sound, complete with camp expression, had this of been anyone else, the camp behaviour would have put me off but this had a slight irony about it despite it seeming in character.
We then walked through to the conservatory, he led the way and there sat Sally, the same Sally I had spoken to while her and Dave had been on the tipple a couple of weeks ago. Sally was very welcoming, she was polite and cheerful and had the decency to not just involve me in the conversation but also look at me whilst speaking to me, unlike Janine.
I was actually asked questions this time, about what I did, if and what I was studying, even when she was speaking with Dave about his job she included me. Apparently she too had heard a lot about me which of course is always something one must say when meeting someone you have heard at least a snippet about but at least she did try.
She had a glass of wine when I got there and despite here doing most of the talking she polished it up quite quickly which then led to 'trying' the wine that I bought. I did not mind that had a couple of glasses, in all honesty I found it quite endearing that she actually asked me as oppose to waiting to be asked. The clock was ticking and I was getting more hungry, Sally had shared a bottle of wine with us that was meant for the meal, it was all OK as I had got two in an offer anyway.
There was something in the way Sally looked at Dave, they had history and it was obvious in her affectionate gaze that some feelings still lingered.
When Sally left, we made a start on the food, I was supposed to be cooking but Dave did decide to take over and try to show me how he thought it should be done, we spoke about Sally throughout the cooking, they had been in a relationship together about ten years ago until he realised that he was gay.
I did wonder, why am I meeting all these friends and why are they apparently hearing "so much about me". Despite my feelings I did not question, it could all be innocent and I do not want to make a fool of myself.
After the meal we finished the wine and went up to bed. We carried on with the unfinished football kit that I attempted when I stayed with him in between houses. He liked the fabric, the shorts stayed on, it was hot, it was like he made me take it but I was definitely willing. He took me from behind, moving the shorts out of the way and with both hands on my waist he pulled me back onto his cock. The sound of his breath was getting me more excited, he then pulled out and stood up on the bed and inserted himself into me again, with both hands on my back, pushing me down, he stood squatting as he thrust himself into me, he moved his hands to my shoulders to pull me back onto him when he rammed his hard tool into me, stopping and holding it deep and then he thrust harder and faster with his hands around my neck and then bringing them back down to my back, pushing me down. I came very shortly before him, which was rare, I was usually afterwards.
The next day we lay there talking about life, I was dying to ask him to be my boyfriend and I tried so hard to keep it in, I kept saying in my head "Now!" but I could not bring myself to say it out loud. Just then it flew out of my mouth as though I had no control, we were sort of seeing each other, he had introduced me to his friends and he sometimes spoke as though we were in a relationship for example he had made comments about when we get older and when I whisk him off on holiday and reciting things that he said the night before whilst drunk but only again when he was sober. So the words flew out of my mouth
"would you like to be my boyfriend?"
he then responded
"Define 'Boyfriend'"
I quickly justified
"I'm yours and you are mine?"
he said
"what does a relationship mean to you?"
I answered
"Togetherness, being open, Independence, closeness, Money"
His expression changed as soon as I mentioned money. I did not mean anything in the way of sponging. So I quickly finished
"...Money not being an issue"
I had clearly lost him in the conversation at this point, I wanted to make a point of money not meaning anything, as long as we both had our own money it would not be a problem, kind of like independence, which I wish I had of stuck with but I did not want him assuming that I had an agenda, I would never ask the guy for a penny and now I was looking like some gold digger.
However, in an attempt to shut me up, he said
"I already thought we were like that anyway"
but I had to dig my hole even further;
"I haven't slept with anyone else since meeting you"
clearly feeling like he was backed into a corner he responded
"Neither have I...the only problem I have is that you could find a more suited job and then move away and it's like "thanks...bye", where would I stand?"
He had a point, the thing is, if things did get so serious that I believed his faux feelings could be genuine then he would have the right to negotiate the options, I would have never disposed of someone of such an important role in my life for that reason. This was explained but not really responded to. I did mention him introducing me to his friends and his intentions were because
"I like you and I value my friends opinion"
I did not know exactly what this meant, if there was hang ups that he did tolerate then the answer is clear? Maybe he was unsure of his feelings? Or unsure of the age difference?
Whatever it was he was not letting me know the whole deal but thinking that going along with things is not the best way of dealing with things.
So, I left his that night feeling that I had sold my soul, I felt bare and I exposed but with no outcome. I had to find a way to redeem myself and pretty much just grow a pair I guess. Emotions can be bad and I needed to keep mine 6ft under the surface before they got to much.
