As time was passing and I was enjoying my new found freedom of not analysing everything, things felt as though they were going OK, my relationship with Dave was distant without rubbish, sugar coated crap he usually spouted, I was having fun with a guy who at the time felt was worth having fun with even if he could not stop telling lies, he was easy to shut up off from.
I was never a 'people person' when it came to intimacy; arms length was about as far as folk would get unless it was a one night thing in which case they would even further and that way of thinking was finally returning back to me. However it was the bull shit that was being spouted that was starting to piss me off, both Dave and Ashley were trying me with their lies and their apparent caring ways towards me...it was now old hat and I was getting very intolerant with it, in the same way when a friend who has just multiplied and will not shut up about their god damn baby or an old person that you are stuck behind and the will not move. The speech was being spouted, they both thought I was stupid. But by now it was clear that they are false people and I had learnt that I was not willing to involve myself with their crap...it made me quite angry. These two men were feeling like burdens, it was as though they had actually met and arranged how to work me, which the two actually meeting was just as obvious as their lies, I chose not to confront the topic as they would just deal with the matter in their usual way...lie and answer with "no". It was too easy for them so why would they not meet.
So I kept myself separated, when I was with them, I would shut off and not listen, just like they did. It was liberating, I was finally free, they were to me exactly what I was to them.
I did however prioritise Ashley more as Dave had actually proven that my company was not welcome unless Dave had a certain itch that needed scratching...as his last result, it was better that way.
Towards the end of the week, Ashley had asked, during the usual 2.30 rendezvous, if I would go for a drink with him. So I agreed, again I took cash out with me and we shared the rounds. We had a decent time, we spoke about our days and we joked, Ashley spouted more and more nonsense about his so called feelings and then we returned back to mine, alone again so Ashley carried on with his carry on
I could never look a person in the eye unless I was serious about something and I could not even look in the direction of this clown's face right now, so Ashley being Ashley thought that dragging me to the bedroom would be him showing his feelings, personally I did not care about him showing anything other than contributing to a decent time. Now usually Ashley never lasted long in the bedroom, it seemed to be a pattern with certain men mentioned; they would jump on the saddle, right the pony however they thought was best and then as soon as they were done, they were done and no one else mattered. So whilst in the midst of things and trying to angle myself in the correct way in which to feel the slightest effect of Ashley's poor attempt of 'manhood'... Ashley reached his climax. He was out of breath and spent up therefore it was time to leave. He peeled his sweaty body off of mine, slithered back into his clothes and then leaving the used contraception on the floor we said our goodnight. I was about to go to bed after I had locked him out but something made me want to watch him drive away, so I stood at the window and waited. The lights went up, the car reversed out of it's space, pulled up to the entrance of the car park and then instead of turning left in which to go home, Ashley turned right, I waited ten minutes in case he had gone to the petrol station down the road but forty five minutes later he had not passed by. I turned around to the now messy bedroom, I went to dispose of the contraception to find that there was actually no deposit left. It did not take a Harvard student to work out exactly what Ashley was playing at. I decided I was not going to analyse and so I went to bed.
The next morning I called Liam,
I was never a 'people person' when it came to intimacy; arms length was about as far as folk would get unless it was a one night thing in which case they would even further and that way of thinking was finally returning back to me. However it was the bull shit that was being spouted that was starting to piss me off, both Dave and Ashley were trying me with their lies and their apparent caring ways towards me...it was now old hat and I was getting very intolerant with it, in the same way when a friend who has just multiplied and will not shut up about their god damn baby or an old person that you are stuck behind and the will not move. The speech was being spouted, they both thought I was stupid. But by now it was clear that they are false people and I had learnt that I was not willing to involve myself with their crap...it made me quite angry. These two men were feeling like burdens, it was as though they had actually met and arranged how to work me, which the two actually meeting was just as obvious as their lies, I chose not to confront the topic as they would just deal with the matter in their usual way...lie and answer with "no". It was too easy for them so why would they not meet.
So I kept myself separated, when I was with them, I would shut off and not listen, just like they did. It was liberating, I was finally free, they were to me exactly what I was to them.
I did however prioritise Ashley more as Dave had actually proven that my company was not welcome unless Dave had a certain itch that needed scratching...as his last result, it was better that way.
Towards the end of the week, Ashley had asked, during the usual 2.30 rendezvous, if I would go for a drink with him. So I agreed, again I took cash out with me and we shared the rounds. We had a decent time, we spoke about our days and we joked, Ashley spouted more and more nonsense about his so called feelings and then we returned back to mine, alone again so Ashley carried on with his carry on
"OOOH! I do feel a lot for you! I shouldn't but I do!"
I could never look a person in the eye unless I was serious about something and I could not even look in the direction of this clown's face right now, so Ashley being Ashley thought that dragging me to the bedroom would be him showing his feelings, personally I did not care about him showing anything other than contributing to a decent time. Now usually Ashley never lasted long in the bedroom, it seemed to be a pattern with certain men mentioned; they would jump on the saddle, right the pony however they thought was best and then as soon as they were done, they were done and no one else mattered. So whilst in the midst of things and trying to angle myself in the correct way in which to feel the slightest effect of Ashley's poor attempt of 'manhood'... Ashley reached his climax. He was out of breath and spent up therefore it was time to leave. He peeled his sweaty body off of mine, slithered back into his clothes and then leaving the used contraception on the floor we said our goodnight. I was about to go to bed after I had locked him out but something made me want to watch him drive away, so I stood at the window and waited. The lights went up, the car reversed out of it's space, pulled up to the entrance of the car park and then instead of turning left in which to go home, Ashley turned right, I waited ten minutes in case he had gone to the petrol station down the road but forty five minutes later he had not passed by. I turned around to the now messy bedroom, I went to dispose of the contraception to find that there was actually no deposit left. It did not take a Harvard student to work out exactly what Ashley was playing at. I decided I was not going to analyse and so I went to bed.
The next morning I called Liam,
"Oh babe, I'm on someones balcony smoking a fag int'I?!"
he proclaimed
"This babe needs to get her skates on and make her way back home
before she disgraces herself even further"
I asked why Liam's night had become so tragic,
"Well, I bumped into him in the bogs at Blush and I thought 'that babes staring at me' and so I look again and I thought 'oh he's only bloody giving me the eye ain't he!'"
The subject had in fact followed Liam into the toilets without actually needing the facilities in order to get Liam's attention. His name was Chris, he was a 23 year old receptionist trapped in an 18 year old Emo's body, apparently no one understood him. He apparently was quite the gentleman and bought Liam a drink o his choice which was a snakebite and black, at the time 'a guy after Liam's own heart' and they danced the night away to all the gay classics, it was the closest Liam had ever been to "true romance"
"That's your idea of romance?"
I cried rather concerned for Liam. To which he followed on with
"Oh babe, he had it all, nice clothes, nice eyes, nice apartment with a buzzer and everything! Definitely one to take home to mother he was, I tell you not a lie!"
myself becoming intrigued, I spurred Liam on to finish and he did not hesitate
"Well as you have made yourself perfectly clear babe that this one ain't that fussy when it comes to her men, well babe you are gonna have a fucking field day, I tell you not a lie!"
I thought it may be in his true style and end up with some gory detail about genitalia but this time Liam had managed to shock.
"Through his shirt he looked well built so I wanted to get under that quicker than what my knickers would come flying off. So I went to pull it and he declined, he wanted to rip my clothes off to his lil' hearts content, he did, but I just was not allowed to take his shirt off. I asked what was up and so he took his shirt off...he only had a catheter underneath dint he babe. Well I did not know what to do and as this babe ain't been fucked in too long I thought...why not babe, why not?! So I did."
Once I regained composure I asked
"So you seeing him again then!"
Liam truthfully replied
"no, he was embarrassed and he was all weird with me and stuff this morning"
I begun to tell him about my night with Ashley complete with ending, to which Liam said
"oh babe at least you know now"
It was true, in Liam's experience of knowing me, I was very dismissive with people, minus Dave, so he expected me to be the same as I ever was with Ashley. I did not need to ponder on this little man. I hardly knew the guy so why on earth was I wasting my time with it, besides, Dave had text me demanding I provide my services over at his that night.
That day myself and Ashley had arranged a night in, I figured he seemed to be around too much just lately for this to stay casual and so when he turned up at my door right on 2.30pm, I told him I was feeling under the weather. I tried to make out I was disappointed with feeling ill and said if I sleep I may feel better by that night, I had not planned what to do if he had agreed with that theory.
He said
"I tell you what, let's forget tonight, it is much better for you to stay in and get better instead of going out and making yourself worse"
I agreed and as soon as he left to attend whatever his back up plans were, I got myself ready to venture over to Dave's. I did feel slightly bad about my little act but I feel I had learnt something from these two compulsive liars; the opportunity for it and how to not get found out. However, I have never been a good liar in the past and I have always preferred to just tell people the truth as oppose to tip toeing around people's feelings because then no one is happy, should you in a position with someone when one does not feel the same as the other, then I find it best to make the person aware of that situation so then that way something can be sorted. In this occasion, I was sticking to the 'treat people as you wish to be treated' and I was treating said people in the only way I knew how to deal with them.
That night, myself and Dave were lay watching TV, not exactly exciting but then we were only keeping each other around for one reason in particular, I was feeling slightly bored, I did wonder if Dave's intention was to bore me to tears so I never bothered coming over but considering my reasons for being there, I could have been called over, done the deed and left. He could then watch all the mind numbing entertainment he wanted, I have not watched TV for two years, I do not miss it.
Just then my phone went, I looked and it was a text message from Ashley
"Hello sweetie, just checking that you are feeling OK?
Miss you! xxx"
My first instinct was to feel guilty, but I repressed it. I was not about to let myself be the weaker party, so I ignored it. However that did not work. Ashley then decided to call, I did not answer. Ashley did not respond well to being on the receiving end of his own actions, I then received another text message from Ashley
"Where are you? Who are you with?"
It was none of his business but I felt I should maybe call him, so I slipped away to the toilet to find he had turned his phone off. So I used the toilet, went back downstairs and thought no more of it. If this man can let rubbish fly out of his mouth, still see whoever he wants and try and manipulate me into a niche then he is clearly deluded. So now it was beyond my control, he was sulking so there was nothing left for me to do but let him cool down and review his behaviour. Whether or not he did this was up to him, I was just going along with things. At this time it was beginning to seem, now proven, that the older gay men get, the more immature they become. It may be the same with straight men, I do not know. But gay men, in my experience with certain folk showcase this theory, I doubt it is the case with everyone. However when such a thing is confronted, the trait is often turned around and it is the accuser who is then the childish one. I have found on this occastion to just humor then and agree that maybe sometimes or this time that they may be right. They love it. It is weird how older gay gentlemen...no wait older people both men and women have such a huge complex over being branded childish and yet when they are confronted with being branded this, they showcase the evidence even more with their need to redeem themselves. This is because they no longer need to take themselves seriously so subconciously they adopt this juvenile behaviour yet explode like a teenager when confronted with it. Not everyone but certain people in particular, most older men can be charming.
So naturally I was becoming exhausted, I was dividing myself between these two men, unsure why, it's always good to have regular 'friends' but I was squeezing in dates with new folk in between and then for some unknown reason, lying my arse off to Ashley to spare his feelings that he was lying about in the first place anyway.
The next day, after racing back to mine that morning, I changed into shorts and a T shirt to seem as though I had not left, ready for 2.30.
When Ashley turned up, he was none the wiser.
"are you feeling any better?"
I answered
"Yes thank you, are you?"
I glared at him waiting for my answer to which he nobly responded
"Yes, I'm sorry about last night, I got a bit wound up as I thought you may be with someone else."
I felt guilty, I should not have, I know but I did. I was not this person, I had become this person due to surrounding myself with this breed of people. So I asked
"I guess it's none of my business and you can tell me to mind my own but the other night when you left, where did you go?"
pausing and searching for something to pop into his head Ashley looked me in the eye and quickly pleaded
"Nowhere ,I went home"
as soon as the answer entered his head, it was flying out of his mouth and he was at least trying to look earnest about it. So I reasoned
"You went in the opposite direction at about 1am and when I cleared up here, you had not reached the peak you claimed to have and then you have the nerve to call me and come over all pathetic when I do not answer the phone?"
he pleaded further
"Oh, I did go home, I just went another way why can't you just believe me?"
I said
"because Belief is based on something, and all I have is what I saw and now your shitty excuse for it, yet you come here and spout all manor of crap about how you feel and how much you think about me like some big Wendy! We don't even need to be having this conversation but you insist on playing these games, I spent the past year playing games with someone who thought they were a bigger force than nature so do not try your crap with me"
and there staring right back at me was a blank, vacant face...and then Ashley started to cry. He turned away and branded me
"Bastard!"
I felt bad at the possibility that these may not be crocodile tears but then that would be playing right into his hands. So instead, I stood frozen and waited for the show to end. I told him
"It's none of my business where you went but I was pissed off that you became this mardy little girl when I did not respond to you"
Ashley became calm very quickly as he looked up, it was all an act. I did not believe it, he knew I did not believe it but he kept on apologising and reasoning with
"I'm sorry about that, it's because I do care a lot about you, you know."
He was not going to snap out of it, maybe being a liar was in his Genes. He was not quite ready for the stage but if it was genetic then I hope that at least he made parents proud.
