After having the 'scarlett letter' burnt into my forehead, I decided to give Ashley a wide berth. It was only just supposed to be a one night thing but he had dragged it out to two extra meets. I remained polite and responded to his attempts of contact but he seemed to claw his way into my day to day life with his constant calls, text messages and not to mention the obvious...turning up at my door every day at 2.30.
I did not grasp, what Ashley's intentions were exactly, but I did realise that in my mind he came across as being full of 'bull shit', especially with his 'I love you' and 'I have never felt like this about anyone before'. It was of course transparent, I figured there was no harm in a little fun so I did let him come over at 2.30 which then became 2.30 every day and then sometimes, when arranged, going out in the evening. In my mind, this was all OK while kept light, Ashley did was not genuine so it did not matter if we never saw each other ever again. However, the following week, my washing machine broke, there were sparks flying from underneath it. I was telling Ashley about it when he came over that day. Ashley's answer to the problem was,
naturally I refused
I did not grasp, what Ashley's intentions were exactly, but I did realise that in my mind he came across as being full of 'bull shit', especially with his 'I love you' and 'I have never felt like this about anyone before'. It was of course transparent, I figured there was no harm in a little fun so I did let him come over at 2.30 which then became 2.30 every day and then sometimes, when arranged, going out in the evening. In my mind, this was all OK while kept light, Ashley did was not genuine so it did not matter if we never saw each other ever again. However, the following week, my washing machine broke, there were sparks flying from underneath it. I was telling Ashley about it when he came over that day. Ashley's answer to the problem was,
"I will buy you a new washing machine"
"I will buy MYSELF a new washing machine"
but he insisted
"we will go this weekend and get you one"
Ashley had this desperate urge to try and come across assertive, he failed miserably, maybe had he not let any financial security rob him of a soul he could have took up some training in assertiveness as he claimed to be in a managerial role before threw it away. The weekend came and I said that we were going to look for a washing machine to see what my options were, I walked around browsing and he swanned around pretending to be Richard Branson. He recommended the washing machine as apparently he had one by the same company and in his opinion they were reliable. Believing this but still wanting a second opinion, I asked the saleswoman who agreed, it was not overly expensive so she would gain nothing more from the sale as she would had I purchased one that also made breakfast. So I took the recommended washing machine, it's still going strong. Ashley was going through his wallet to pick which golden ticket was to but the washing machine, however more fool him and his one man show of "wealth", I had mine in my hand, I did not take a wallet and supplied the sales woman with my card.
Washing machine aside, I was not fond of Ashley's sales pitch: the premature feelings, the meal, the 'honest' talk of how he came into money and now the attempt to buy a washing machine assuming I came free with it, the faux cash flash was all getting a bit too much. If he wanted to be in such a position with me then he needed to flash a little more than material things, I wanted his personality to outshine all the irrelevant crap, I had been with a girl who I was attracted to based on looks and it did not last past three months of sex so here and now Ashley was playing it all wrong. Could it be possible that this guy lacks personality? Or to reader even further maybe he has such a gruesome personality so he needs to buy people in which to trap his prey? However on the flip side, he did come with me to help pick out a washing machine and at least offer to pay, but he did try to get out of paying for the meal last week and procrastinate when it came to picking a card for the washing machine...here come the questions.
There is a well known saying 'Once bitten, twice as shy', the effect of experience can leave a mark which makes us wary of similar situations in the future based on that experience. Ashley may have been working his arse off to try and get me to see something in him, but it was all too fresh to start throwing caution to the wind especially when I was not interested in material things and that aside another well known saying which is also proven to be true...'Actions speak louder than words'. Some would argue that despite being told on countless occasions about how Ashley apparently felt, they were still only words then some may argue that buying a washing machine is an action, it was not a certifying sign of emotion and still turned out to be just words. So I analysed and asked myself
What did I want?
The washing machine was a necessity, he realised I needed one and came with me and guided me. That was the action that I needed to take note on. He was turning up at my door every single day maybe to see me, maybe to kill time, no matter how I look at it. All that cloudy deluded way of turning something into a positive thing, maybe my only problem at this time could be that he was not Dave. So I decided to play it slowly, but I needed to pay attention to the doubts in my head.
My thinking may have been irrational but if someone is constantly saying heavy things to e already and also, reading between the lines, showing it in someway in their actions, then I need to make sense of things especially after the last one.
It was still early days with Ashley but it was the same every day, always at 2.30 with the same old lines oh and I was still seeing Dave occasionally, which seemed to rub it in even more that he was a far cry from Dave. I had no Idea what I was going to do.
The following week Ashley came over as usual and asked me if I would like to go to Blackpool with him, I had never been to Blackpool before in my life, when I told him this he seemed shocked
"How can you not have been to Blackpool before?"
so I explained
"'cos my parents loved me too much to take me to there"
He seemed determined to take me now, so that was a box ticked; that he wanted me to experience something that I never had...however the fact that it was Blackpool felt a little degrading but it's bound to be an experience of some sort and then reality hit, I did not know this guy very well, I had my assumptions and he was not exactly mysterious in anyway but I had not yet had perceptions proven right or wrong.
"I'll think about it"
I said, to which he reasoned
"It's just a weekend"
I explained
"It's Blackpool"
from what stories I was being fed, Ashley had clearly been brought up getting his own way and he had not grown out of it; the early retirement, the tantrum he thrown when I did not take him up on his dinner offer at first. To me this was one big baby trapped inside an older man's body. I was no good with children so I needed to treat him as I felt and was pretty sure how I was being treated.
Fast forward two weeks, I had agreed to go to Blackpool with Ashley. It was exactly how I expected it, but there was something quite cosy about it. The cosiness of the place was possibly the fact that no one knew me there, therefore no risk of seeing anyone that I may know.
We stayed at a particular hotel that catered for gay men. It was within the gay area but among houses/flats with a hotel for all kinds of folk near by. It was a place that the openly gay men can go without a care in the world. The rooms were tiny and the decor was like a dentist, there was no TV reception, just porn. It was good while horny, but by the time your horizontal jogging marathon comes to an end several hours later, then it just feels weird. So instead of wallowing in our animalistic urges after being all urged out, we went for a walk. Something to eat, a bit of window shopping, which resulted in me buying myself a nice jacket, back to the hotel for a lie down and a nap and then back off out again for drinks and that was the day we arrived.
The next day we woke had our routine fondle and then headed out for breakfast, breakfast was to be had at a greasy spoon in the town, I forget the name, possibly 'Greasy Spoon'. The place was quaint, I will give it that but when one orders a Latte and still receives just an average Americano, it suddenly hits that this is no "Bright lights, big city" despite being famous for it.
So there we sat in good ol' time warped "Greasy Spoon", and as all the old dears piled in to the point that the "Greasy Spoon " almost became happening, Ashley found that now would be a good time to talk about the day and night before:
"I enjoyed yesterday and getting you drunk last night, you were filthy!"
I corrected
"I was not drunk and there are ladies present"
and then I was corrected
"Oh they can't hear us"
Ashley then looked around as though he maybe doubting the ladies loss of hearing. So I informed him of our situation and our respect to the girl's territory
"still, we don't want chasing out of Blackpool by walking sticks do we?"
The next two days pretty much consisted of the same activities as the day we got there, however on the Sunday, I was dragged to see a drag...act. The madam looked like a stereotype of a lorry driver in a blonde, wonky wig and a tight, gold gown and showing off every unflattering curve while attempting to sing 'And I Am Telling You'. For some reason, Ashley felt that now was a good time to resume rambling about his imaginary feelings and tell me
"I've never met anyone else like you, I care about you a lot"
I could not take this crap anymore, we had had a good weekend and then he goes and nearly spoils it by saying something stupid. I interrupted and tried to accentuate the real reason we were there by referring to the past two nights
"I think I'm getting a bit drunk"
The night was definitely entertaining, however when we returned to the hotel and we just went to sleep. Ashley was determined to act his arse off until I fell for the games, either that or he just preferred me drunk...I decided on the latter.
The next day we saddled up to...venture home, the weekend had come to an end. I had quite enjoyed myself, the company was no different but at least I was settled around him without any need of analysing, the situation was what it was. He was going to keep saying these things and I was going to keep ignoring him, they just did not ring true, I did not feel that he was telling the truth, sure whenever he was in my company it seemed hard for him to keep his hands to himself but that was not an indicator for his feelings. His feelings were not important, we had a fun weekend and that was as far as it was going. I could not grasp why on earth this guy would not give up on the crap, be real and get involved with the fun.
