Weight Lifted?

After mine and David's rendezvous, everything felt better, there was no cloudiness, heaviness and no need, at least, for anymore lies, however some habits die hard but it no longer mattered, there was no illusion of intimacy anymore. Nothing had really changed with the way were we around each other but I could now take Dave with a pinch of salt without wanting to believe him as oppose to thinking I should and end up doubting him.
There was no problem except for when one of us got in contact with the other at a time when we arranged dates or random encounters had occurred then we would have to lie which would then cause the awkwardness when certain folks stories fail to add up, like I said old habits die hard. It was because of this notion that I addressed the danger in seeing Dave still. However, I cannot allow myself to be a hypocrite and be bothered by it.
We seemed to speak freely, I no longer cared what he thought of me and how he judged me, I did watch what I said slightly in case of anything causing an argument whenever he had, had a bad day but I think I adapted myself well to the new situation there and then. To Dave, the situation had not changed, I had always been his 'fuck buddy', one that at the time was impressionable and easy to manipulate. Hopefully now there would be no need for it as we were both aware that we were no closer than arms length.
So when I left, I did indeed have a spring in my step. I dd still need to block the guy from my mind just in case any feelings started to take over but while I was in a decent situation with Dave, I wanted to see if we could keep it that way.
On the walk home, I received a call from Liam as if he knew that I was free to talk

"Oh my God! You're up early?! So Babe did do the dirty with Mr. Dave last night then? Is she doing the walk of shame?"

I agreed.

"Well you know him well enough by now to know what you're doing I suppose"

When I returned home, I cleaned, it was not my new therapy session anymore but it did help separate myself from the memory of the night before.

As part of his daily routine, Ashley turned up at 2.30pm for a cup of tea and asked if I wanted to go out for dinner that night, to which I wrongly agreed. The guy had that look in his eye that he was not one to be trusted and I should not be encouraging his lying by agreeing to socialise with him. Ashley had the same probing questions as usual such as where I had been and what I was doing and who with etc. This ritual became very tedious as it was none of his business, I never asked him such probing questions as I knew that it was none of my business, that and not of interest to me. He asked me how I was feeling regarding the Dave situation to which I responded

"I'm fine, what's the point on wasting time pondering over things?"

Ashley said

"It's OK to be upset"

So I dismissed his intentions, agreed and told him

"Yes I know, but I am comfortable not thinking about it and feel that it is best to deal with it in my own way"

to which Ashley spouted

"He's a fool for letting you slip"

Being one of those false/ LA LA Land comments, I disputed

"That's a matter of opinion and I am confident he does not feel the same way"

After Ashley had left, I started to think about why he says the things he said so far, they were all fairly acceptable things but the guy hardly knew me to be in a position to safely make these claims of feelings and as far as he was aware, I was hurting so it was obvious that the guy was taking advantage of the situation that he believed himself to be in as oppose to waiting to see if such things are to be within reach. With my opinion of Ashley in mind, I cancelled on joining him for dinner, Mr. Tac-Tic had decided he was to pretend to not be happy with my decision. Sure everyone is different but if he was a genuine friend who actually wanted to help and also be in my company then maybe he could have at least suggested coming over and staying with me?

Instead this oh-so-swarve man responded in a shockingly childish way;

"OK, enjoy your night with your boyfriend" 

I called to speak with him and explain that I was not a piece of meat ready for the taking, I had already spent the past year being exactly that, however despite wanting to reason, Ashley had sent his little angry Text message and switched his phone off, I let him be.

That was until the next day at 2.30pm when he turned up at my door with his tail between his legs and apologised

"I'm sorry, I got jealous when you cancelled and just saw red. I'm sorry"

The truth be told, I had spent the night in alone but I was not being carried by anyone despite taking him up on his offer and let him take me out for dinner in the first place, it would have been wrong and I would not have felt comfortable. There was no need for jealousy, but I guess that it was all part of a game.

"I am not being carried by anyone, it does not encourage people to stand on their own two feet and also what does that person do when they are no longer being carried? It's pathetic to rely on others, when you don't need to."

He looked shocked, clearly everyone else succumbed to it before me but despite is persistence, I was not willing to sacrifice my soul. He said

"So, if you were out and about with Dave and you saw something you liked, he would not buy it for you?"

He clearly thought that comparing himself to Dave, who he thought at this time was 'the bad guy', would separate them in my opinion of them both, but it was clear that Ashley used money and material things to buy people. I attempted to make myself clear

"No, nor would I expect him to when I can get it for myself"

He felt the need to explain himself further, he needed another notch on his bed post therefore I needed to take the bait.

"Let's say, someone has quite a bit of cash and it's no object to them, say their mother died and left them £100,000? can they not treat someone if they so wish?"

I was not at all fazed, I could tell he wanted me weak to him, but he was not selling himself to me when all he had to offer was money. The man clearly had no soul, no culture, no personality of his own, just money and I found that quite pathetic. I started to feel sorry for this short sighted creature.

"If they wish, but then it is up to the other person whether or not to accept it. Just cos a person has money, they do not rule the world nor those around them, everyone has a mind of their own"

He looked vacant, he was searching for other ways to sell himself but was clearly failing to do so, he had attempted the only thing that he could and that was money.

Later that week myself and Ashley had arranged to go out for dinner, I took cash with me just in case he attempted to try and buy me again. Ashley took me to some place out of town, some fairly decent restaurant. It was a calm elegant place, no marble walls, no platinum water feature spurting champagne instead of Evian. It was nice, albeit beige, complete with pathetic art on the walls but it was busy yet calm, the kind of place where the pretentious community flock so they can deem themselves 'down-to-Earth' or 'grounded' as though suggesting such claims does not contradict that in the first place. The tables were all set perfectly but we had to sit in the corner, out of the way. This was my first time in a restaurant with a gay man at a 'table for two' and I failed to see how other folk would see us as there are quite a few reasons as to why two men would be sat in a restaurant together, however, two men sat in the corner, away from everyone else suggests exactly what it was...sleazy.

After we ordered from our tiny corner, Ashley found the need to confide in me over irrelevant matters that were none of my business

"I need to tell you something, I have never felt like this about anyone and I feel I be honest with you.

I won the lottery about five years ago, I won about £750,000. I do not work, I am a volunteer for the disabled"

It was the gay equivalent to when straight men claim to have a sensitive side with the usual case of the close relationship with their mothers or being a good father figure. I saw through the claim the moment it left his lips and it was quite ignorant how gullible he thought I was to the point that he was just as gullible for believing his perception of me. So trying to find some inspiration in his attempt to sell himself to me, I humoured him

"So have you invested some of your money or has it just been taken for granted?"

to which he responded,

"yes, I let out my parents old house"

so then I changed the subject, not completely, I wanted to see if the guy actually had a soul once upon a time and asked

"Why did you give up work?"

To which he responded

"I took early retirement"

as the guy left me to believe that he gave up work just so he could rub his hands together, I stopped showing an interest.

At the end of the meal, Ashley suggested asking for the bill, then he would go to get something out of the car as I went to the toilet where I would climb out of the window and jump in the car and we would leave without paying. However being a lot easier said than done, not realising if he was being serious and on top of everything else not wanting to risk being left to face the consequences of being caught, I said

"No! You're bullshitting aren't you?! I can pay if you like"

not wanting to be the 'little woman' Ashley became all defencive as though he had something to prove and therefore insisted on paying every penny.

After dinner, we ventured back to my place. I had no intention of sleeping with him that night based on what I had just witnessed of his behaviour and the need to sell himself to me in such a cheap way. As we pulled up at my place, Ashley insisted that he wanted to come in and at least have a moment alone with me, where he said he could hold me, I very stupidly agreed. However once inside, Ashley did only hug me, he gripped me so tight and I could feel that he wanted to go further, we could have done, we had before, so I do not know why he adopted all the soppy pretence. Just then he turned me around against the door, gripping my hands, sliding his fingers in between mine and sliding my hands up the door so that my arms were straight and then started to kiss my neck. Ashley then moved his arms down and his hands managed to find their way to unzip my trousers, he turned me around and then pushed me into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. I figured that I had suffered his banter over dinner so it was the least he could have done and I was in need of it.