Intense Healing

The sound of the clock was ticking louder and louder, the more I became adapted to the silence, the louder the sound of the clock became. It was very over dramatic but I thought what is my existance now? I had been repressing my feelings towards the situation that I had found myself and now I had to kill that persona that I had become and by that I mean remember all the bad points of myself and by THAT I mean the weakness. This was not who I was, I had apparently been very cold with people before and very awkward to 'be with' and now as though an act of Karma or maybe a wall for my defence mechanism, I had become the weak due to being 'in touch' with an emotion.
An emotion is very easily phased out, we are all going to suffer from some form of heartbreak no matter how tough we try/pretend to be but it is that, but it is very clear that we use our experience of such turmoil, that an event can cause to ourselves, for the positive and attempt to grow. There is no point wasting more time than one already has to mourn something. My way of dealing with such stuff was to cut all ties and occupy the mind with other things, but nothing to out of the ordinary as then when it comes down to the normal not-so-occupying moments, it will all come screaming back and that's when we become desperately dependant of other forms of escapism such as other people, drugs, alcohol or other possible addictions.
I had taken the typical route that I always enjoyed and surrounded myself with my own company and repressed any feeling I had for Dave right there as that was where the route of the problem lay...myself.  At least that way, whenever I was alone and the memories start to creep into my consciousness, I would be completely desensitised to the pain that it would have brought if I substituted it with something else. For me this felt far more healthier to get my head around it on my own, for I had ignored my better judgement and listened to and sort of fell for everything this guy was telling me just to be proven right. Therefore my lesson was to block out any false hope crap that friends are renowned for spouting such as the same old Cliches: 

"They don't deserve you",

"You're too good for them",

"You'll find someone better"

and

"They are going to die alone"

it is these grenades that lead to self destruction because life does not work like that. I could not let these things even be said around me as it would just sent me backwards instead of forwards.

I needed everything stripped, I needed to stick to what everything was in my head and not what I had been lead to believe. I knew it was not a relationship and yet I was constantly confronted with it being dressed up as just that whenever I was backed into a corner and expected to succumb, therefore I needed to blockout any distortions that had been put there to cloud my better judgement in the first place and just stick to what I thought. What I know and that was that this was never a relationship and was never going to be a relationship. The sooner I did this, the easier it became. Everything became clear without the diversion of manipulation, it felt how I imagine a cleansing baptism to feel, however the sins being washed away here is letting manipulation cloud my judgement.

So I made sure I kept myself busy so I did not ponder too much and met my friend Liam at the food court above our local shopping centre, this was a place where we could meet and not fight over where to eat as there are food outlets as far as the eye can see. So there over my 'authentic' carbanara and Liam's Kentucky Fried vegetable option, I vented and Liam listened, no false hope wisdom no woman scorned chanting just letting all the bad blood seep out with the one hope of a clean page at the end.

After the food, we took a long walk to do some window retail therapy where Liam started to tell me of his current woes. After Liam had his drunken midlife crisis all those months ago about moving back home, he changed his mind, stayed and moved in with his ex-boyfriend, Rhys and also in separate rooms.

Liam had told me that he was glad that they had remained friends up until the point that Liam's Face had been rubbed into Rhys' sex life:

"I always ask if he can let me know when he is sacrificing virgins beforehand, so I can make sure I'm out the house and usually he does, but he keeps bringing home his new chew-toy and all of a sudden I am no longer informed and I find myself walking in from work and can hear them at it"

I decided to state the obvious:

"well, had you lived with me as planned, you wouldn't have to put up with it"

to which Liam responded

"Oh babe! I would have had to put up with old men coming out the door as I'm walking in though wouldn't I?!"

so again I stated the obvious

"No, cos had we lived together, I probably would not have told you"

After the walk and a very lucky belated Egg Nogg Latte later, I invited Liam over for Coffee, it was probably a sub conscious attempt to not be alone but I had spent enough time alone to be able to deal with the difference between my own company and the company of others and not need to depend on company. 

Just as myself and Liam were relaxed with our drinks, there was a knock at the door. I was not expecting anyone and figured that I would ignore it as I do not answer the door to unwanted/unexpected guests. I crept to the door as they refused to stop knocking, expecting it to be a Jehovah's Witness, I opened the door with my "no thanks" spiel and there stood Ashley, I had kept Ashley updated with what had happened and Ashley had shown quite a lot of interest, in fact Ashley shown interest in anyone I mentioned that happened to be gay... such as

"How old are they?",

"Where abouts do they live?"

"Which site are they on?"

and

"How do you know them?"

It was so transparent that I already accepted the idea that Ashley would go sniffing around Dave as a certainty. Ashley had that 'creepy old pervert' look about him, kind of how I imagined a rapist or a paedophile, he tried so hard to be swarve and slick with things but it was crystal clear what the intention was behind all of his actions.

Once Ashley had wormed his way in, we ventured through to the living room. Ashely then thanked Liam for being 'there for me', this shocked me: What business was it of Ashley's? If Liam wanted to 'be there' then he was surely doing it as a friend.

After feeling like a third wheels in my own own living room, I moved to my breakfast bar, Ashley followed me and stood next to me and started to rub my hand, I have no idea what he thought he was going to achieve from this, I did not find it consoling. All I knew was that I am not falling weak to this while he thinks I may be vulnerable.

After Ashley left, myself and Liam sat watching Television when I received a text message, the message was from Dave

"Hi, how you keeping? Would you like to go for a drink at the weekend"

I was not in the mood to deal with it, so I ignored it and enjoyed the rest of the evening thinking about not thinking about Dave.

For the rest of the week, Ashley had been popping over every day at around 2.30pm. Ashley had been quite open about his apparent feelings for me and had once told me he was seeing some married guy, this was before the Dave breakaway. Ashley had shown some week moments for example, he cried once when Dave had left a mark on my neck, I had assumed they were crocodile tears as Ashley came across as a bit of a liar. However, with him popping over constantly like this was not in his character. He had been checking up on me with calls and asking how I was when he came around, as though I was on suicide watch or something. But one day in particular, on the Thursday, Ashley had decided to give another line a try. As I went to the door as part of what was becoming a ritual, Ashley was all starry eyed, he would not stop staring. I tried to pick conversation and he did seem engaged in what we spoke about, I spoke about what I had been up to in the 24 hour gap since we last saw each other and he would ask if Dave had contacted me and then as I had had enough with the awkward stare, I asked why he kept staring at me that way, he then said

"Nothing...Oh it doesn't matter. Ignore me, I'm just being silly"

my first thought was

"yes you are!"

Because of the whole 'Dave saga', this man thought I was easy prey and was trying to find the right buttons, but whether or not he would find them, it was definitely not the right time.

So as the social event came to an end for the day, we said our goodbye's and I let him out. Within seconds of Ashley leaving, my phone went:

"I have never felt this way about anyone"

and immediately seeing through Ashley's intentions, I replied to Dave:

"Yes, I will meet you for a drink, is Sunday OK?"

Despite my woman scorned approach to divert myself from what was going on with Dave, I feared that if Ashley should say something that manages to penetrate, the vulnerability would take over and pollute my mind a bit like oil being poured into the ocean. So I decided to see what can be salvaged with Dave.

As the Sunday drew closer, I started to think about what me and Dave was going to do. What were we expecting to get out of this? What was going to happen?

I figured that as soon as it was time to go home, we would and there we would go alone.

So, on the arrival of that Sunday, myself and Liam had been for a walk around the town as Liam wanted to do some more window shopping and then it was back to mine for a coffee. We spoke of my intention for the night. I had come to the conclusion that a relationship with Dave was impossible, especially after knowing how he lies; there would never be any trust as people never change...Fact!

I decided that I needed an outcome, I agreed to remain nonchalant; converse about the week and

"...to not sleep with Dave"

Liam agreed that would be a good idea.

After coffee, myself and Liam set about leaving, I had decided to go for a Brandon Flowers look: Blue pinstripe blazer, a deep green t-shirt (not conforming), black skinny jeans and Cowboy boots. I did not think what I wore would bring any profound achievement but it was there for some attempt for confidence...it did not really work.

Me and Liam walked down to the town centre and stood waiting around where all the bars were all lined up, I figured that we would be venturing down this 'strip' therefore I suggested we start at one side of The Mile to work our way in some direction in order to create some 'Dutch courage' in case either one wanted to lift the veil and actually talk.

So there we stood, waiting, I contemplated the fact that he may not actually turn up. But then I remembered, he would not do that as then the blame would be at his door and Dave always made sure that never happened. I thought that maybe he suggested meeting at the actual place... so I checked the messages and there was no rendezvous venue. Liam said

"What are you going to do if he doesn't turn up?"

I said

"I don't know, go home?"

not being the answer Liam was trying to get me to realise, he said

"Obviously I meant what are you going to do with yourself, regarding this situation?"

I could have said that I would let it slide, but we would have both knew it was a lie. So instead, I still said

"I don't know"

Just as we realise I had no alternative outcome, Dave appeared, all smiles. So off Liam galloped.

I went across to Dave like the lap dog I was and off we went to the bar of the same name.

Once sat down with drinks, in a corner and alone, it was awkward. Dave asked how I was and how I had been, I had suddenly attempted fake...at least that way we would be on the same page. I said I was fine, returned the question and then acted my arse of for about and hour and a half. That was until we reached the next bar. We sat talking as though a friendship would be effortlessly achievable and then I could not act anymore and there I sat reeling everything off that I could not add up in my head. I asked and he answered and still the stories did not equal out into a decent answer. I asked about pretty much everything that had plagued me over the last eight months such as him mentioning living together at a ridiculously early stage, I asked about the money comment and the why he has lied about feeling when we could have kept things light the whole time. However my intentions were still ignored, instead of granting me the decency of honest answers, Dave knew there and then that it was only me that was actually going through this, he was fine and would remain fine as he felt nothing all along and would continue to do so, therefore friendship, for him could be tolerable.

As I pleaded for an answer or a bottom line in only the third bar of our journey, the lights went up, it was now home time. As we walked , Dave fed me his fairytale spiel about what he felt and what was right, about no matter how much he felt it is what is important at the end of the day. It was all a big story to keep me quiet, one of those impossible things that I would feel OK and keep quiet just as long as I knew he was hurt as well...NO. Instead I had accepted that he had felt nothing, I just wanted to know why he had to carry it on with lies when so many others were sniffing around.

As we walked, Dave pretended to pour out his heart with his faux emotions. As we got to each of the four turnings in which we were to part, I said I would walk up to the next one with him, Dave saying that

"I could rip your clothes off right now if I could"

which he knew he could, I did not respond as I did not want to be the cause of it but as we approached the forth and final turning Dave said

"if you want to come back for a drink so we can talk some more, you can" 

slightly unsure of whether he actually meant a drink and then sleep, I justified

"I would like us to talk a bit more about this"

when we got in, we stood in the kitchen like strangers, I was not going to make the first move, I stood talking with him and he moved nearer, right up to my body, looked me in the eye and kissed me and then the fire in me was wild, I kissed him back and gripped him tight to my body.

There was one glass of water before Dave said

"shall we go up to bed?"

I agreed and asked

"where am I sleeping?"

Dave was stood in the doorway of his bedroom, smiled and said

"in here of course"

and in I went.