Repression Is The Best Medicine- Dose I

Two days after the death of what was, I was feeling down, I had tidied my flat completely...twice! I was not sure what else I could tidy, I needed something to occupy me so that I would not contemplate what a waste the last year had been.
I had to deal with it on my own with no one to talk to, none of my friends or family knew about me, they probably knew but I had not yet confirmed anything. I would be fine one minute with things to occupy me and then it would catch me unaware and I would be feeling down, it was tiring. So I mentally got myself back up and repressed every memory that I had of Dave, everything would be pushed aside in my mind every time it caught me unaware, I would just think of something completely unrelated and focus as hard as I could on that.
On the Wednesday, I went out with my other two musketeers Martin and Liam, we arranged to meet around Martin's house, Martin always hated me and Liam being late as me and Liam were like two old ladies when we got together drinking, so Martin had ordered us to get around his house as soon as possible, myself and Liam knew what was coming. We would arrive at Martin's all preened just to be put through the same motions of listening to the latest Grime/Hip Hop artist that Martin had discovered that week. Myself and Liam knew it would happen so it did not feel as painful when it did, we just drank even quicker, for some reason, I had taken a bottle of Champagne, so me and Liam drank that to ourselves to numb the pain of Martin's running commentary on the early choice of soundtrack.
The night was made slightly more tragic when some other friends turned up with a bottle of Champagne also... however the second bottle of Champagne brought by our friend Becky turned out to be none other than 'Bucks Fizz'...oh the shame, but we laughed it off when Becky cried

"What's the difference?"

 

Bless the poor girl, she could not even taste the difference as apparently between the two, the only difference was that one was

"Orange flavour"

After Becky had attempted to get her head around the tipple so far, we all decided to guzzle and go.

The night was a good night, I did not manage to think about the obvious at all, we drank, danced and drank some more and even bumped into people that we thought had fallen of the edge of the city. That was until we came to a halt, we decided to venture somewhere quiet, Martin was still stood firmly tall as though he was a famous battery bunny but myself and Liam were enjoying the time to calm down for a second and then the events from the beginning of the week hit me, wallowing in self pity I stood there feeling alone and I turned to Liam and said

"I've been sort of seeing someone since May and it came to an end this week"

Liam looked slightly in shock before turning away and casually joking

"Why? Did you and Dave suddenly decide to stop sticking things up each others bottoms?"

he turned his head back to me with a smug look on his face as if awaiting to receive his applause for such a profound comment, only to find me staring back with no expression on my face, just staring and probably not even blinking.

Liam's face evolved from smug to shocked, horrified even at the news. He turned to the others and cried

"Right, he needs a shit so we will be back in a minute!"

usually I would have been embarrassed to the core but I just nodded, disagreeing and followed Liam into the toilet. When we got in there, Liam cornered me

"Why haven't you told anyone?!"

to which I replied

"It's no one Else's business. Forget I said anything and let's go back outside"

Liam's tone became more firm, it was the alcohol but he seemed to want to know everything

"No! Why have you kept it to yourself?!"

I went on the defense and said

"you are only acting like this cos I have just told you, you would not know any different had I not said anything"

Liam seemed to sympathise

"No but you have, so why have you told me now?"

without wording it in a way to sound in control I gave in and said

"because I don't know how to deal with this"

Just then Martin came bursting through the door and shouted at the top of his lungs

"Have you two gays done bumming?"

to which Liam responded

"well, after years of holding everything in, it's all decided to come shooting out of this one tonight!"

We left the venue to go back to the haze of the dance floor. Once inside, I tried to lose everyone so I could escape and go home but Liam seemed to always be there, I told him I was leaving and He said

"Well, Martin seems to have disappeared so I'll come with you"

I assured him that I was not about to be a burden and that I would gladly go home alone but Liam insisted to at least walk home with me.

I did not know where to start, I wanted to tell him my intentions from the beginning so I did not look like some victim but I kept referring to Dave which confused the conversation as Liam asked

"So was this before or after Dave?"

I stuck to my story and tried to tell him as much in the right order until I got to 'the now' that was.

It was a long story and I think Liam did well to stay awake through it after drinking as much but he had his questions and seemed to sympathise.

I woke the next morning feeling mortified, I turned over and saw Liam looking right at me. To kill the awkwardness I said

"Hello, that Sorcha was a bit nice wasn't she?"

Liam lazily responded

"Hmm"

He clearly remembered so I asked

"Do you remember what I told you last night?"

Liam assertively answered

"YES! I thought you were going to try and cover it up with that Sorcha comment and be all like 'I like biff hole!'"

It was a relief, I guess I had cheated a little bit by telling the gay first but sexuality aside, he was probably the better person to confide with on that anyway.

Liam stayed with me the whole day as though I was an invalid, I felt quite calm, despite the repression feeling although it was healing me, it felt like a weight had been lifted, albeit drunk, talking to Liam. I spent the rest of the week talking to Liam about the matter. I told him that I had the urge to go over and just tell Dave how I felt but based on past experience, it would just be thrown back in my face as something completely different to what it actually was.

Later that day I received a text from Dave

"Hello, how you doing? would you like to meet up over the weekend for coffee so that we can talk?"

Liam, suggested it was too soon

"It's too soon and for him to suggest meeting up already just shows that he doesn't care about how you're feeling"

not usually being one to  give in, I agreed. Dave knew how I had felt about him, that's why he had kept me around as long as he did. He saw me as this impressionable being that he could take for a ride in more ways than one whenever it benefited him. I did not respond... until later that day when I did reply and agreed. Liam was full of sarcasm for the rest of the day but agreed to come with me in case it became too much.

"If you think it's going to be OK?"

The truth was that I did not think it would be OK, I was terrified, I had been repressing it all as much as I could that I had become scared that I would be turned into his subject/ Guinea Pig again.

On the Saturday, Liam walked with me so far and then went home, he said he will give me half an hour and come and wait for me. I did not know if that was going to be enough time. I predicted that once I was there that we would be talking around in circles  about who was to blame and who read what signals wrong and it would all end up open with unanswered questions as it was time to leave.

I walked towards the house ashamed of myself, if it was not enough to stick around when I was able to read the signs then going back for more when every was out in the open was bound to push me over the edge. I kept pushing all anxieties and hurt out of my head, thinking that all I need to do is get my answers and say goodbye. I became more nervous as I approached the door and again even more as I saw Dave's silhouette appear in the frosted glass...