...As Dave opened the door, he smiled and said
"Hello, come in"
The nerves had gone, I did not feel nervous, I felt angry at Dave for inviting me over as he clearly had not a care about any of what was going on and once again at myself. Why am I still coming back?. Dave had the courtesy to wait until I was inside with the door closed to ask
"How are you?"
I said:
"I'm OK, I wasn't! but I'm OK"
I tried to calm down but I just saw red
"why have you asked me around David? Seriously? What is it going to achieve? Will it ease your conscience for us to be friends? Cos I doubt that you actually have one!"
since I was already losing the argument due to volume level, Dave tried to take control
"Oh you know what, if you're going to be like this then you may as well go cos it doesn't seem there is much point in being friends"
There and then it looked certain how he was going to play this. I would be the bad guy with my apparent younger behaviour and therefore he would have to ask me to leave as he would not be able to cope, it is this 'tac-tic' that every person that is older than the other would use, however parents are quite straight to the point with it. Dave had clearly planned the outcome of the visit. I could have said anything at that stage and it would be like a landmine field so I needed to be extra careful where I was treading.
Not wanting to cut it short there, I wanted to hear what he had to say on the past eight months so I stuck around and calmed down and pleaded
"What do you expect? One minute you say this is a relationship and then next you're saying we have nothing in common! So why am I even here now Dave?"
I begged of him.
"I asked you over to explain, and to see if we can salvage some form of friendship from this"
I had mentioned the time we had in Chester over my birthday and of course Christmas and how one minute we were fine and the next there was something wrong. I did not mention any reservations I had with his Christmas gifts, it did not enter my head as it was irrelevant. Dave said he wanted to find someone to settle down with, but he did not know that I knew otherwise.
I had spent all this time looking for an answer from him and he would not give me one, so what was going to change that now?
We sat talking about how we were feeling and what we wanted. I went of on a tangent about how I felt about him and all I got, while pouring my heart out was the same glazed, vacant look he always gave whenever I had spoke, so still, he was not listening to me. Dave once again started bringing up feelings and what he wanted as though it was a consolation
"I do like you, but I want to settle down now and I don't think it's right holding each other back from that, it's hurting me too"
The whole time he spoke, his eyes; instead of being like the brown hypnotic whirlpools that I let myself be sucked into, were now like a shark's; black, soul less and they seemed dark like his being at this present time...hollow and I was looking for my metaphorical ladder (the truth) so I could pull myself out of the water. It was as though he did not know what to say and instead played the whole thing as he went along based on what I was saying and trying not to look like the bad guy. I would have been able to take the truth. He did not have to say anything harsh or soul destroying but he could have just said that the feeling was not there, it was looking that way anyway so he may as well have said it. The truth would have been the perfect book end to a bad experience, no arguing and just being able to walk away as there would be no more reason to linger, but for some reason Dave did not even want to risk the possibility of looking like the bad guy. However reading between the lines of the manipulation and the talking down, he was not exactly looking like Snow White.
So as he carried on saying he was hurting too and that he did not want this to happen, he then said that he had not been sleeping with anyone else, this was when I could pick him up in the conversation.
So I told Dave that I had looked through his phone and saw the Long Haired Lover and Mr. Chewy-Dick messages, again the same face but his jaw had now dropped, he literally was impersonating a Thunderbirds puppet.
"So why did you not ask about them?"
Dave asked. To which I responded
"Because I didn't know if it was anything to do with me as you had not given me your relationship crap and you would have just lied and claimed that they were friends anyway"
and then a silent pause. It was just so he could throw a lie together but at least it shown that he had listened properly as oppose to just finding a lie in what I was saying. However no longer being one to shock, Dave pulled out his excuse
"I slept with one around my birthday, which was only two months after we started seeing each other and I went for a drink with the other one who I did not sleep with and you know, his life was not exactly in order either"
I think that was an attempt at a justification. However I mentioned what was wrong in what he had just said by picking up on what was going on with me and Dave around both of them times:
"So you saw the chewy guy while we were seeing each other, which was vile when you asked me to do it that very same night to you and the long haired guy; the night when you said you were picking me up from the gym, I don't even live on the way home from the gym and you have the nerve to say that this was a relationship?
Do you not see what is wrong with this?"
once again Dave was sporting his famous vacant face and then said
"well you should have questioned me about it"
It was typical for Dave to turn it back on me. I was getting nowhere; sometimes we would be there throwing the blame back and forth as though it was some kind of sport but right now that was pointless, we both knew what was going on now and even though some insisted on it, there was no need for more lies.
I should have questioned him about it as maybe, just maybe, he could have let me know where I stood with him there and then but based on my knowledge of the character, I would have had an argument on my hands before I was fed lie after lie. Just then Liam called me, I did not answer the phone but I did text him letting him know that I would not be much longer. So as I finally admitted to myself that I was never going to get anywhere with Dave, in life or in conversation, I stood up and made my way to the door. I could feel the emotion starting to take over, so I swallowed, turned around and said
I should have questioned him about it as maybe, just maybe, he could have let me know where I stood with him there and then but based on my knowledge of the character, I would have had an argument on my hands before I was fed lie after lie. Just then Liam called me, I did not answer the phone but I did text him letting him know that I would not be much longer. So as I finally admitted to myself that I was never going to get anywhere with Dave, in life or in conversation, I stood up and made my way to the door. I could feel the emotion starting to take over, so I swallowed, turned around and said
"I think I can try to be friends, but I need time"
Dave got up and walked towards me as I was putting my shoes on. He grabbed me, hugged me and just like that, I could not keep it in anymore. As I was making a complete clown of myself and showing how weak I had become, I sank even further and said
"I want you!"
Dave casually responded
"I know you do"
I was not quite sure what kind of response I was expecting, probably nothing but I was not expecting him to agree with me. Was he enjoying this? Was he enjoying the boost to his ego or was he just agreeing to keep peace?
Knowing there was no need for further analisation, I pulled myself away and said that I needed to go.
As I pulled away Dave said
"I meant what I said, I would like us to be friends"
I replied
"why?"
and then Dave gave me another open ended answer
"Well you know, I thought we got on and made each other laugh and maybe could go away together sometimes. You know, let's just see how things go, The course of true love never did run smooth.
That's from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, I studied that at A Level"
too exhausted to analyse and question further, I said
"OK"
I gave Dave a kiss, he clutched me as if to suggest that he may have really wanted it too but I accepted that in his mind, I could have been anyone at that moment and we can convince ourselves that we want something for a second but our feelings will always get in the way of any veil that we choose to cover up. Dave was just going through those motions to make it less harsh and easier for me to understand for it was now clear there had been nothing between us apart from the urge for a bit of fun eight months prior to all this pain I had pretty much signed up for.
I left feeling empty, I could feel myself on the verge of breaking down but there stood Liam at the end of the road and I knew I had to save face and let go to avoid looking like the fool I had become.
"The course of true love never did run smooth"
A Midsummer Night's Dream Act 1, Scene 1, 132-140
