What Lies Beneath

It is said that a person needs to want to help themselves before anyone else can help. I had no one, literally no one to talk to about this. I was aware of my position and I did want to get out but I had no one to snap me out of it, I was hooked. Time and time time again I had got myself out of situations that became heavy, even if I cared deeply about one or two of them, I could not take the claustrophobia that the concept of relationships brought.
Somehow I had found myself at my weakest, longing for a concrete answer from someone just letting me know if I was wasting my time or not, instead of all the push and pull I was getting but still, like a fool I was hanging around for my answer or sign and going along with things until I found my awakening... As if I had not been enlightened enough!
Myself and Dave went through this pattern of him telling his stories, me semi believing him (until inevitably being proven otherwise) and then his actions would contradict his words and then I would realise that I was right all along! But still stuck around like a lap dog and Dave was clearly aware of this but used it to his advantage as he kept on with the same pattern. Time after Time I had thought, give the guy the benefit of the doubt but then why say things if you clearly do not mean them? Unless you have a motive or an agenda? There is no point saying things that are meaningless and without an outcome. So there were two options: stick around until things are proven or get the hell out now while you still have a shred of dignity.
Me and Dave had been talking about going away together, we had not fully discussed where or when but it gradually grew into an actual event...eventually.
We agreed that we would go away on the weekend of my birthday but we were still undecided on where we was going to go, it was left for me to decide but the only places in England that I had been to had something going for them as I had travelled places to look at universities and also been around for nights out etc. I did not want to pick somewhere and it turn out to be dull.
I did look; I considered London, Edinburgh, York and Chester. Dave did help a little with narrowing it down to York and Chester as London and Edinburgh were apparently too far... so Chester or York would have to do.
Dave himself would be taking another break away in between now and then, this time in Norfolk for a long weekend, the time apart was short but it did me some good not being in that situation for a bit. On Dave's return, I decided that I will sit down and probe him until I get my answer from the horses mouth...so to speak.
We had watched a film and I had decided to keep quiet during so after our bedtime activities, in the dark, I asked him

Myself: "so what is going on here?"

Dave: "what do you mean?"

Dave seemed to try and find out the other person's intentions and then base his answer according to whatever response HE received

Myself:  "I missed you when you were away, I haven't slept with anyone else since seeing you and I didn't feel the urge while you were away"

Dave: "Me neither"

Dave could never think of an answer of his own on this matter, it was usually something in agreeance to what I had originally said to him and his  "Me neither" was a perfect example of that.
I then started to try and give him an opportunity to confess without actually confessing to actual events; all I needed was something that let me know we weren't exclusive and that would have been fine as I had already been driving myself crazy to the point that all I now wanted was to be put out of my misery, but all I got was...

"I am not sleeping with any one else"

My response to his bull shit was the reality...

"you say you want a relationship with someone who earns a certain amount, so as I do not meet your financial criteria for a partner then surely you are seeing other people...you are bound to be seeing other people, why would you not if you say you want to meet someone and settle down?"

I think I had hit the nail on the head although he denied it and apparently he had only been flirting with folk but considering how promiscuous gay culture can be, it was obvious what was going on but still it was not made a certainty.
The next day I had got to flirting myself. I figured; why should I put my life on hold for someone like this?
So I got chatting, everyone seemed dull by comparison, so I went in with the approach that all I wanted was to get laid, to ride some big cock, which eventually became my intention.
I came across Ashley, a guy in his 40's, very well built who turned out to be a gym nut and apparently single.
We did not have an in depth conversation really, more about what we were into. We had been talking briefly when we swapped numbers and we kept in touch, we did actually arrange to meet twice but I had cancelled on both occasions due to my feelings for a certain someone who seemed to have a bigger hold on me than anything I had ever encountered and of course because of that... came guilt.
Myself and Ashley did keep in contact though.
The following weekend, I was around Dave's house holding a ladder as he ventured into his attic to clear the crap out of it. I did not mind but it was still inkeeping with the pattern that I was the one who had to actually serve a seperate purpose other than just existing and this meant helping with D.I.Y.
I was slightly irritated by it but I was helping Dave and that meant more to me than my own boredom.
Afterwards we had a drink and a catch up and then I was ushered out as apparently Dave's friend Tony was due to turn up any minute. I had never heard of a Tony before but apparently he was a friend of ten years...it was not a very genuine story and one that was clearly conceived as it was told.
I left Dave's feeling used, He did not care, he had gotten me around to hold a ladder and then off I went just so he could recieve his relief. I did not like the situation and more impotantly did not like who I had become...weak!
After I had left, I left Dave a message saying how good it felt for him to mention Tony and it not feel like a big deal, thirty minutes later...Dave replied

"What do you mean? I can't deal with this. I never know what mood you're going to be in whenever you come over, if you are going to keep acting like this then maybe we should call it a day?"

First of all I was shocked by there actually being something to call a day on, Dave seemed to refer to this set up as a relationship whenever it suit him i.e. when I needed manipulating into being his lapdog. I said that it felt like a relief to not read into it when he mentioned his friends name, as I clearly did not mention the obvious and he threw it right back i my face. I explained as much as I could and he calmed down, we still however both knew the truth.
When I returned home, I pondered on how I could push this man right out of my brain, there was not going to be an easy way, I guess when you spend enough time with someone, no person can be completely forgotten as things such as occasions, mannerisms, songs, or just something like a colour even, the slightest thing that may have been the smallest token of something that was shared with another can pop up and with that comes the memory of someone. Then just as I sat and thought, my phone went. It was Ashley, asking if I would like to go for a drink and just like that I responded.

Easier Said Than Done

Dealing with my new found knowledge, I was feeling depleted. I had carried on visiting Dave because I was too weak to prise myself apart completely. I was torn between my morals and my emotions, I had literally sold my soul to the devil i.e. found myself caught in my emotions and I wanted my strength back. Here was a guy who was making up feelings and emotions of his own, because he thought I was stupid enough to believe it and be reeled in each and every time someone else bailed on him.
Now I was in the know, but I still could not walk away. I desperately wanted him to tell me the truth and then we can both get on with our lives but that was never going to be the case, he kept on lying and I kept on coming back for more.
I come to thinking about the earlier days of this Saga, that was a man who seemed to care and seemed to have me hooked but now I felt bound to someone who could not care less, whether I was around or not. One way of looking at this would be to write it off as a one night stand that has been one big lie all along therefore himself and his antics would not matter...that was the logic (and reality) of it but I was very foolishly being ruled by my heart. I remembered a time when being ruled by my heart was a good thing; it had caused me to get a job at 16, go to college and study something I was interested in and then on to university to progress that interest but now all it was bringing me was shame and hatred and that was not the person that I was, especially when I followed this so called heart.
I believed there was some interest there and I wanted that time back, so I decided to stick around a bit longer to see.
In the beginning,  post first night, I had been genuine, I did not feel I had to be anything other than myself nor did I feel I had to analyse every action and every word to sum him up in order to act a certain way to make us get on. I was real, I was myself. Now I had found the answer that I was never going to get from him I did not know what to do, in my head I was screaming

"Walk away!" 

"Leave him to his profile sites!"

I could not do it, not off my own back, for I was scared of the possibility that there may be that chance that I threw away just to save face. So the intention was to work my arse off; compress my feelings and just go along with everything. This was easier said than done.
After two weeks of giving my 'pokerface' a bloody good go, I was actually getting better, at the face front value thing, however it was when we parted that my mind went into overdrive. Every little thing he said and did while I was in his company was going through my mind as though it was scanning for answers. His body language, his tone of voice, constantly looking at his phone with no expression on his face; surely if the text message he was reading was that of a touching moment let's say should it be funny or a nice comment from a friend or whatever then it would be there in his expression, he had showcased it before and sometimes explained or shown me what was having an effect on him. It was these moments that I could feel comfortable with, but it was when he shown no reaction especially to missed calls or text messages that was making me wonder. I would be lying in the dark or walking home the next morning analysing everything that was out of character and it would drive me crazy, I wanted putting out of my misery and just being told the truth complete with a bottom line instead of 'If', ' But' and 'maybe'. The comments of not being worthy of oxygen such as the continuous £40,000 a year comment, the constant indifference to my existence was all becoming clear...any hole is a goal with this guy and I was the seat filler, I had come to the conclusion before, as a hunch, but it rang true now more than ever before.

The end of a mind numbing week not due to work, I was invited around again on the Sunday. Dave had said that he would be going for a drink with a 'friend' and that he would inform me when was best to come over. I did ponder on whether or not I should go over? what would be the point? I would be there for the company and he had made it clear that I was not suitable for that as I did not earn enough. I figured I should find myself something else to do with my evening instead of sitting around and waiting to be cancelled on, chances are that by the time they finish, it will be too late and I will have done nothing but watch the clock all evening. I did however, shortly after deciding not to wait around, receive a text message asking me to join them at one of the pubs they had found themselves in, I was confused as I had assumed that he was slagging it with a purchase of his favourite website, I probed a bit in order to find out why I was being invited and it turned out that he was with a friend, just like he said... So I got myself ready and made my way over. I had called asking where the place was but I got no response, he did text me the road but not how to get there and I was confused, I thought I would try to look for it, which turned out to be me walking around aimlessly in search for this mystical pub, maybe it was in some realm that only people within a certain wage bracket let's say of a minimum of £40,000p.a. could only pass through the vortex?

but still in reality I could not find it, I walked pretty much all around the city as well as the surrounding areas but I could still not find anything and I had still not received any directions from Dave, maybe he had someone around his house while I was sent on a wild goose chase over town.

 Whatever he may have been doing, I was still falling in this state of weakness that I feared, so I decided to go home and as I gave up and turned around I received a message

"I'm home now if you still want to come over"

and just like that I did.

Dave was in bed when I got there, he smelt as though he had been drinking, but seemed fairly sober with his conversation. That was until he started running his mouth again

"would you like to go away? just the two of us?"

I was tired of this and found myself too exhausted to give a genuine answer so I found myself saying yes. Of course I was going to say yes, I did want to and it kept things light, I also wanted to say no and quiz him on what he thought he was playing at. The bollocks I had been given in the beginning about only having three chances and yet I had given him twice that at least so why can I not find the strength to walk away?

The following week, I was galloping over to Dave's like the little lapdog I had become only to be greeted with D.I.Y. I had found it nice to do with him before but I was basically there just for that! I was given job after job and told how to do things right down to the finest detail as though I was a complete idiot and even then there was something silly that he did not agree with, as though he was looking for something that he could find wrong and he managed to always find something pathetic to moan about. I felt stripped of confidence to do the job and I even asked

"if I'm doing it wrong then what was the point of asking me around to do it?"

my response was just a stare as though he suffered from some form of social Autism until then...he found some words...

"I'm not talking down to you, I'm just telling you the best way to do it"

whether or not that was his intention, he did not know how to speak to people, he clearly thought he did but he actually did not, my response:

"That is how you are speaking to me"

So the D.I.Y. Disco carried on and what a ball it was and such a ball that I was greeted with more jobs the following morning, such as sanding down doors and wire brushing the wall outside to remove the marks from the vines. Do not get me wrong, I liked helping him, he had helped me before so I felt like I wanted to help but now it had become as though I was being used for shitty little D.I.Y. jobs, he would go out with friends and god knows who and what else but when it came to seeing me it was the D.I.Y. day...FUN! The pattern had formed to the point that he was stupid himself for thinking that I could not see it. The next night I stopped over, we were at it again...D.I.Y. that is, which this time was short but definitely not sweet. We were then treated to the desert of the D.I.Y. which was television, clearly I may as well not have been there, we were not engaged in each other and it had become mind numbing, he was getting short tempered with me, I was getting short tempered with me at still being there, at least we both had that in common...

When we went to bed that night, he claimed to be tired which was also becoming a common occurrence, why the hell can I not tear myself away from this man?

I tried taking it into my own hands and rolled onto him, he asked me to chew his foreskin...

I paused, the photo's from his phone flashed through my mind and suddenly I was not interested in the act of performance both in bed and the whole one man show of "I'm not in love with you".

I carried on until he came and I rolled over, turning away, he moved towards me and wrapped his arms around me and I felt dirty. I felt dirty because of the bedroom situation and because my morals seemed to have just died.

The Saga Continues?

After my rude awakening to the completely obvious, I was feeling like a clown. Dave had clearly been sleeping with people this whole time and I was too stupid to admit it as truth despite my assumptions.
I had taken the step to get past the lies and get my answer, the answer that I was confronted with was undeniable. Undoubtedly if Dave knew what I knew, He would probably try and lie his way out of it as Mr. Innocent or try to turn it into a fault of mine, but either way the bottom line was that there was no way of trying to manipulate it to work in his favour either way. he was lying about feelings yet sleeping with whoever and I was not about to be kept as a seat filler.
Two nights after defining the line between the lies and the truth...i.e. what I was being told and the the reality that was on his phone, I had once again found myself meeting up with Dave again.
I had no idea why I was meeting up with him, it was clear that I was not a big part of his life and he was just going to keep saying the same things thinking I was stupid enough to believe him which is the most diminishing thing...to think I pushed aside my judgement and gave him the benefit of the doubt just to be proved right and here I was going over yet again.
Dave had just brought a new piece of furniture, an antique piece he had bought in an auction. He had asked me to go over and help him 'move it in' along with his friend Ade, I had met Ade a while ago, he was the first friend of Dave's I had been introduced to when me and Dave had arranged to spend the weekend together and I had been badgered into working and then me and Ade were acquainted that evening.
I had been waiting pretty much all day for a time in which to go over, usually Dave would have said 8 o'clock but for some unknown reason I was waiting for the post on this one. It was not rocket science, sure it was only my assumption but the situation had become so transparent that Dave was becoming just as predictable; he had clearly been waiting on a reply from the Long Haired Lover this proved a huge possibility when Dave had also said that he may not even bother moving the piece that night.
Still I went on about my day waiting for his message, which eventually arrived around 5 o'clock to let me know that my company is only welcome from the same old time of 8 o'clock. So at 5pm he finishes work and then drives over to the Long Haired Lover's castle and asks him to let down his hair at about (around 5.45pm- 6pm), has enough of a bum just so he is able to drive back to his and look like he has been home for 8 o'clock...just a hunch.
From my point of view though, I arrived at 19:55 and saw the silhouette of two people in Dave's porch window, it was undecipherable what or who was who up until I saw hands being moved around as though someone was explaining something...this one was clearly Dave. I ventured forth and knocked on the door, I was welcomed in to a big old chunk of wood sat against the wall in Dave's kitchen... they had clearly moved the antique already despite me being asked to come at 8 o'clock and help. Ade starting asking questions about what I was up to, the same questions I had answered when I met him the first time as well as meeting some of Dave's other friends, the same kind of questions that my Grandmother would ask minus the typical "are you eating well?".
Th conversation rolled on and then it was time to admire the piece and how it looked against the wall, I could appreciate what they were doing, it looked OK against the wall but in all honesty nothing profound as it was still just a cabinet against a wall and did not need the amount of pondering in which to appreciate. They said nothing to each other, they just stood in silence absorbing the sight of the cabinet against this wall...I watched them, watching it...are they really just looking at it?
Ade chimed up

"This is something us old people do, stare at furniture"

Dave then said

"I would have preferred it in my bedroom but it's a bloody mission getting it up the stairs"

Ade contributed

"oh yes, everyone could appreciate it in there couldn't they Dave?"

He clearly knew how true that statement was, could Dave have been bragging about the Long Haired Lover before I got around there?

"There is only one person who is going to appreciate it in there"

said Dave, to which Ade trilled while looking at me

"Ooh, did you hear that? just one person who will appreciate it in his bedroom"

Yes, it is quite possible He knows about the Long Haired Lover.

Ade then turned to Dave and informed Dave he had to get going, but as he was leaving he very strangely said to Dave

"You want to look after this one Dave, He needs some looking after"

I do not know If he was referring to how weak I had become, should he know about Dave's Under 30's Sex Club and how gullible I had been, so I interrupted with

"I can look after myself, thank you"

He smiled as Dave rather camply 'oohed'. I was aware of more than they knew.

He did not ask about my day or what I actually thought of the piece of furniture, he just shut the door after Ade had left and went to do the washing up. I felt like a spare tool, just stood there waiting for communication.

After washing up in silence Dave asked if I was OK, I responded positively and asked if he was OK too which was received with a nod...then that was the end of that conversation. We sat watching TV, this was something that we had frustratingly found ourselves mainly doing. Dave was very quiet still, not even commenting on what he liked or disliked or agreed with in what we was watching... silence.

When we went to bed, Dave had said he was tired and wanted to sleep, there was a bit of fondling, I had taken it into my own hands literally. I rolled on to him and slowly moved my way down his body kissing him as I ventured further south, he was already hard when I got down there, I took him in my mouth and then then wet both of my hands and cupped the tip of his penis with repetition. I held back the foreskin with one hand and sliding my left hand up and down his shaft making sure I covered the tip also and then to cupping again and occasional sucking, Dave did seem to enjoy this and as he seemed like he was having a good time, I wet my right hand and played with his ass, eventually sliding two fingers up his ass and tilting them to nudge his G-Spot; The Prostate. Dave said that it felt nice, I was enjoying it myself especially when he said he was close and eventually about to come, he said thank you in such a genuine way that it may have been the first time I had believed something he had said in months.

As we lay there in the dark, I asked why he had been quiet, He said it was to do with work and that he was not really aware he had been quiet. He started going off on a tangent about how he enjoyed me coming over and gay relationships and a holiday home?

"would you like to get a place abroad that's ours? I guess it will have to be my money though. I can't be doing with these sites. Everyone on sites are just after sex, people lie about their age and put up fake pictures, I'm tired of that whole thing. You know, we can get you on £40,000 a year, don't sleep around as everyone usually goes after fresh Cock and we can see how it goes."

I was baffled, I lay there in the dark both literally and also with Dave. After all he has spouted about me not being good enough and I get something that is so whimsical that I should have walked out there and then but of course I was not about to do that.
The next morning when he was in the shower I thought about his intentions of what he had said last night, what would be the point? I checked his phone again for comments from the Long Haired Lover...There was nothing, everything had gone, I checked the phonebook on the phone and he was nowhere to be seen. It was suddenly clear why Dave had been acting the way he had last night...had he been ditched?
Either way, whatever the case, I knew enough to not believe a word he says within this context, I was like a Yo-Yo, I was being pulled in and tossed back out, we both knew it but he was unaware that I was also aware.