It is said that a person needs to want to help themselves before anyone else can help. I had no one, literally no one to talk to about this. I was aware of my position and I did want to get out but I had no one to snap me out of it, I was hooked. Time and time time again I had got myself out of situations that became heavy, even if I cared deeply about one or two of them, I could not take the claustrophobia that the concept of relationships brought.
Somehow I had found myself at my weakest, longing for a concrete answer from someone just letting me know if I was wasting my time or not, instead of all the push and pull I was getting but still, like a fool I was hanging around for my answer or sign and going along with things until I found my awakening... As if I had not been enlightened enough!
Myself and Dave went through this pattern of him telling his stories, me semi believing him (until inevitably being proven otherwise) and then his actions would contradict his words and then I would realise that I was right all along! But still stuck around like a lap dog and Dave was clearly aware of this but used it to his advantage as he kept on with the same pattern. Time after Time I had thought, give the guy the benefit of the doubt but then why say things if you clearly do not mean them? Unless you have a motive or an agenda? There is no point saying things that are meaningless and without an outcome. So there were two options: stick around until things are proven or get the hell out now while you still have a shred of dignity.
Me and Dave had been talking about going away together, we had not fully discussed where or when but it gradually grew into an actual event...eventually.
We agreed that we would go away on the weekend of my birthday but we were still undecided on where we was going to go, it was left for me to decide but the only places in England that I had been to had something going for them as I had travelled places to look at universities and also been around for nights out etc. I did not want to pick somewhere and it turn out to be dull.
I did look; I considered London, Edinburgh, York and Chester. Dave did help a little with narrowing it down to York and Chester as London and Edinburgh were apparently too far... so Chester or York would have to do.
Dave himself would be taking another break away in between now and then, this time in Norfolk for a long weekend, the time apart was short but it did me some good not being in that situation for a bit. On Dave's return, I decided that I will sit down and probe him until I get my answer from the horses mouth...so to speak.
We had watched a film and I had decided to keep quiet during so after our bedtime activities, in the dark, I asked him
Dave seemed to try and find out the other person's intentions and then base his answer according to whatever response HE received
Dave could never think of an answer of his own on this matter, it was usually something in agreeance to what I had originally said to him and his "Me neither" was a perfect example of that.
I then started to try and give him an opportunity to confess without actually confessing to actual events; all I needed was something that let me know we weren't exclusive and that would have been fine as I had already been driving myself crazy to the point that all I now wanted was to be put out of my misery, but all I got was...
My response to his bull shit was the reality...
I think I had hit the nail on the head although he denied it and apparently he had only been flirting with folk but considering how promiscuous gay culture can be, it was obvious what was going on but still it was not made a certainty.
The next day I had got to flirting myself. I figured; why should I put my life on hold for someone like this?
So I got chatting, everyone seemed dull by comparison, so I went in with the approach that all I wanted was to get laid, to ride some big cock, which eventually became my intention.
I came across Ashley, a guy in his 40's, very well built who turned out to be a gym nut and apparently single.
We did not have an in depth conversation really, more about what we were into. We had been talking briefly when we swapped numbers and we kept in touch, we did actually arrange to meet twice but I had cancelled on both occasions due to my feelings for a certain someone who seemed to have a bigger hold on me than anything I had ever encountered and of course because of that... came guilt.
Myself and Ashley did keep in contact though.
The following weekend, I was around Dave's house holding a ladder as he ventured into his attic to clear the crap out of it. I did not mind but it was still inkeeping with the pattern that I was the one who had to actually serve a seperate purpose other than just existing and this meant helping with D.I.Y.
I was slightly irritated by it but I was helping Dave and that meant more to me than my own boredom.
Afterwards we had a drink and a catch up and then I was ushered out as apparently Dave's friend Tony was due to turn up any minute. I had never heard of a Tony before but apparently he was a friend of ten years...it was not a very genuine story and one that was clearly conceived as it was told.
I left Dave's feeling used, He did not care, he had gotten me around to hold a ladder and then off I went just so he could recieve his relief. I did not like the situation and more impotantly did not like who I had become...weak!
After I had left, I left Dave a message saying how good it felt for him to mention Tony and it not feel like a big deal, thirty minutes later...Dave replied
First of all I was shocked by there actually being something to call a day on, Dave seemed to refer to this set up as a relationship whenever it suit him i.e. when I needed manipulating into being his lapdog. I said that it felt like a relief to not read into it when he mentioned his friends name, as I clearly did not mention the obvious and he threw it right back i my face. I explained as much as I could and he calmed down, we still however both knew the truth.
When I returned home, I pondered on how I could push this man right out of my brain, there was not going to be an easy way, I guess when you spend enough time with someone, no person can be completely forgotten as things such as occasions, mannerisms, songs, or just something like a colour even, the slightest thing that may have been the smallest token of something that was shared with another can pop up and with that comes the memory of someone. Then just as I sat and thought, my phone went. It was Ashley, asking if I would like to go for a drink and just like that I responded.
Somehow I had found myself at my weakest, longing for a concrete answer from someone just letting me know if I was wasting my time or not, instead of all the push and pull I was getting but still, like a fool I was hanging around for my answer or sign and going along with things until I found my awakening... As if I had not been enlightened enough!
Myself and Dave went through this pattern of him telling his stories, me semi believing him (until inevitably being proven otherwise) and then his actions would contradict his words and then I would realise that I was right all along! But still stuck around like a lap dog and Dave was clearly aware of this but used it to his advantage as he kept on with the same pattern. Time after Time I had thought, give the guy the benefit of the doubt but then why say things if you clearly do not mean them? Unless you have a motive or an agenda? There is no point saying things that are meaningless and without an outcome. So there were two options: stick around until things are proven or get the hell out now while you still have a shred of dignity.
Me and Dave had been talking about going away together, we had not fully discussed where or when but it gradually grew into an actual event...eventually.
We agreed that we would go away on the weekend of my birthday but we were still undecided on where we was going to go, it was left for me to decide but the only places in England that I had been to had something going for them as I had travelled places to look at universities and also been around for nights out etc. I did not want to pick somewhere and it turn out to be dull.
I did look; I considered London, Edinburgh, York and Chester. Dave did help a little with narrowing it down to York and Chester as London and Edinburgh were apparently too far... so Chester or York would have to do.
Dave himself would be taking another break away in between now and then, this time in Norfolk for a long weekend, the time apart was short but it did me some good not being in that situation for a bit. On Dave's return, I decided that I will sit down and probe him until I get my answer from the horses mouth...so to speak.
We had watched a film and I had decided to keep quiet during so after our bedtime activities, in the dark, I asked him
Myself: "so what is going on here?"
Dave: "what do you mean?"
Dave seemed to try and find out the other person's intentions and then base his answer according to whatever response HE received
Myself: "I missed you when you were away, I haven't slept with anyone else since seeing you and I didn't feel the urge while you were away"
Dave: "Me neither"
Dave could never think of an answer of his own on this matter, it was usually something in agreeance to what I had originally said to him and his "Me neither" was a perfect example of that.
I then started to try and give him an opportunity to confess without actually confessing to actual events; all I needed was something that let me know we weren't exclusive and that would have been fine as I had already been driving myself crazy to the point that all I now wanted was to be put out of my misery, but all I got was...
"I am not sleeping with any one else"
My response to his bull shit was the reality...
"you say you want a relationship with someone who earns a certain amount, so as I do not meet your financial criteria for a partner then surely you are seeing other people...you are bound to be seeing other people, why would you not if you say you want to meet someone and settle down?"
I think I had hit the nail on the head although he denied it and apparently he had only been flirting with folk but considering how promiscuous gay culture can be, it was obvious what was going on but still it was not made a certainty.
The next day I had got to flirting myself. I figured; why should I put my life on hold for someone like this?
So I got chatting, everyone seemed dull by comparison, so I went in with the approach that all I wanted was to get laid, to ride some big cock, which eventually became my intention.
I came across Ashley, a guy in his 40's, very well built who turned out to be a gym nut and apparently single.
We did not have an in depth conversation really, more about what we were into. We had been talking briefly when we swapped numbers and we kept in touch, we did actually arrange to meet twice but I had cancelled on both occasions due to my feelings for a certain someone who seemed to have a bigger hold on me than anything I had ever encountered and of course because of that... came guilt.
Myself and Ashley did keep in contact though.
The following weekend, I was around Dave's house holding a ladder as he ventured into his attic to clear the crap out of it. I did not mind but it was still inkeeping with the pattern that I was the one who had to actually serve a seperate purpose other than just existing and this meant helping with D.I.Y.
I was slightly irritated by it but I was helping Dave and that meant more to me than my own boredom.
Afterwards we had a drink and a catch up and then I was ushered out as apparently Dave's friend Tony was due to turn up any minute. I had never heard of a Tony before but apparently he was a friend of ten years...it was not a very genuine story and one that was clearly conceived as it was told.
I left Dave's feeling used, He did not care, he had gotten me around to hold a ladder and then off I went just so he could recieve his relief. I did not like the situation and more impotantly did not like who I had become...weak!
After I had left, I left Dave a message saying how good it felt for him to mention Tony and it not feel like a big deal, thirty minutes later...Dave replied
"What do you mean? I can't deal with this. I never know what mood you're going to be in whenever you come over, if you are going to keep acting like this then maybe we should call it a day?"
First of all I was shocked by there actually being something to call a day on, Dave seemed to refer to this set up as a relationship whenever it suit him i.e. when I needed manipulating into being his lapdog. I said that it felt like a relief to not read into it when he mentioned his friends name, as I clearly did not mention the obvious and he threw it right back i my face. I explained as much as I could and he calmed down, we still however both knew the truth.
When I returned home, I pondered on how I could push this man right out of my brain, there was not going to be an easy way, I guess when you spend enough time with someone, no person can be completely forgotten as things such as occasions, mannerisms, songs, or just something like a colour even, the slightest thing that may have been the smallest token of something that was shared with another can pop up and with that comes the memory of someone. Then just as I sat and thought, my phone went. It was Ashley, asking if I would like to go for a drink and just like that I responded.
