Dealing with my new found knowledge, I was feeling depleted. I had carried on visiting Dave because I was too weak to prise myself apart completely. I was torn between my morals and my emotions, I had literally sold my soul to the devil i.e. found myself caught in my emotions and I wanted my strength back. Here was a guy who was making up feelings and emotions of his own, because he thought I was stupid enough to believe it and be reeled in each and every time someone else bailed on him.
Now I was in the know, but I still could not walk away. I desperately wanted him to tell me the truth and then we can both get on with our lives but that was never going to be the case, he kept on lying and I kept on coming back for more.
I come to thinking about the earlier days of this Saga, that was a man who seemed to care and seemed to have me hooked but now I felt bound to someone who could not care less, whether I was around or not. One way of looking at this would be to write it off as a one night stand that has been one big lie all along therefore himself and his antics would not matter...that was the logic (and reality) of it but I was very foolishly being ruled by my heart. I remembered a time when being ruled by my heart was a good thing; it had caused me to get a job at 16, go to college and study something I was interested in and then on to university to progress that interest but now all it was bringing me was shame and hatred and that was not the person that I was, especially when I followed this so called heart.
I believed there was some interest there and I wanted that time back, so I decided to stick around a bit longer to see.
In the beginning, post first night, I had been genuine, I did not feel I had to be anything other than myself nor did I feel I had to analyse every action and every word to sum him up in order to act a certain way to make us get on. I was real, I was myself. Now I had found the answer that I was never going to get from him I did not know what to do, in my head I was screaming
I could not do it, not off my own back, for I was scared of the possibility that there may be that chance that I threw away just to save face. So the intention was to work my arse off; compress my feelings and just go along with everything. This was easier said than done.
After two weeks of giving my 'pokerface' a bloody good go, I was actually getting better, at the face front value thing, however it was when we parted that my mind went into overdrive. Every little thing he said and did while I was in his company was going through my mind as though it was scanning for answers. His body language, his tone of voice, constantly looking at his phone with no expression on his face; surely if the text message he was reading was that of a touching moment let's say should it be funny or a nice comment from a friend or whatever then it would be there in his expression, he had showcased it before and sometimes explained or shown me what was having an effect on him. It was these moments that I could feel comfortable with, but it was when he shown no reaction especially to missed calls or text messages that was making me wonder. I would be lying in the dark or walking home the next morning analysing everything that was out of character and it would drive me crazy, I wanted putting out of my misery and just being told the truth complete with a bottom line instead of 'If', ' But' and 'maybe'. The comments of not being worthy of oxygen such as the continuous £40,000 a year comment, the constant indifference to my existence was all becoming clear...any hole is a goal with this guy and I was the seat filler, I had come to the conclusion before, as a hunch, but it rang true now more than ever before.
"That is how you are speaking to me"
Now I was in the know, but I still could not walk away. I desperately wanted him to tell me the truth and then we can both get on with our lives but that was never going to be the case, he kept on lying and I kept on coming back for more.
I come to thinking about the earlier days of this Saga, that was a man who seemed to care and seemed to have me hooked but now I felt bound to someone who could not care less, whether I was around or not. One way of looking at this would be to write it off as a one night stand that has been one big lie all along therefore himself and his antics would not matter...that was the logic (and reality) of it but I was very foolishly being ruled by my heart. I remembered a time when being ruled by my heart was a good thing; it had caused me to get a job at 16, go to college and study something I was interested in and then on to university to progress that interest but now all it was bringing me was shame and hatred and that was not the person that I was, especially when I followed this so called heart.
I believed there was some interest there and I wanted that time back, so I decided to stick around a bit longer to see.
In the beginning, post first night, I had been genuine, I did not feel I had to be anything other than myself nor did I feel I had to analyse every action and every word to sum him up in order to act a certain way to make us get on. I was real, I was myself. Now I had found the answer that I was never going to get from him I did not know what to do, in my head I was screaming
"Walk away!"
"Leave him to his profile sites!"
I could not do it, not off my own back, for I was scared of the possibility that there may be that chance that I threw away just to save face. So the intention was to work my arse off; compress my feelings and just go along with everything. This was easier said than done.
After two weeks of giving my 'pokerface' a bloody good go, I was actually getting better, at the face front value thing, however it was when we parted that my mind went into overdrive. Every little thing he said and did while I was in his company was going through my mind as though it was scanning for answers. His body language, his tone of voice, constantly looking at his phone with no expression on his face; surely if the text message he was reading was that of a touching moment let's say should it be funny or a nice comment from a friend or whatever then it would be there in his expression, he had showcased it before and sometimes explained or shown me what was having an effect on him. It was these moments that I could feel comfortable with, but it was when he shown no reaction especially to missed calls or text messages that was making me wonder. I would be lying in the dark or walking home the next morning analysing everything that was out of character and it would drive me crazy, I wanted putting out of my misery and just being told the truth complete with a bottom line instead of 'If', ' But' and 'maybe'. The comments of not being worthy of oxygen such as the continuous £40,000 a year comment, the constant indifference to my existence was all becoming clear...any hole is a goal with this guy and I was the seat filler, I had come to the conclusion before, as a hunch, but it rang true now more than ever before.
The end of a mind numbing week not due to work, I was invited around again on the Sunday. Dave had said that he would be going for a drink with a 'friend' and that he would inform me when was best to come over. I did ponder on whether or not I should go over? what would be the point? I would be there for the company and he had made it clear that I was not suitable for that as I did not earn enough. I figured I should find myself something else to do with my evening instead of sitting around and waiting to be cancelled on, chances are that by the time they finish, it will be too late and I will have done nothing but watch the clock all evening. I did however, shortly after deciding not to wait around, receive a text message asking me to join them at one of the pubs they had found themselves in, I was confused as I had assumed that he was slagging it with a purchase of his favourite website, I probed a bit in order to find out why I was being invited and it turned out that he was with a friend, just like he said... So I got myself ready and made my way over. I had called asking where the place was but I got no response, he did text me the road but not how to get there and I was confused, I thought I would try to look for it, which turned out to be me walking around aimlessly in search for this mystical pub, maybe it was in some realm that only people within a certain wage bracket let's say of a minimum of £40,000p.a. could only pass through the vortex?
but still in reality I could not find it, I walked pretty much all around the city as well as the surrounding areas but I could still not find anything and I had still not received any directions from Dave, maybe he had someone around his house while I was sent on a wild goose chase over town.
Whatever he may have been doing, I was still falling in this state of weakness that I feared, so I decided to go home and as I gave up and turned around I received a message
"I'm home now if you still want to come over"
and just like that I did.
Dave was in bed when I got there, he smelt as though he had been drinking, but seemed fairly sober with his conversation. That was until he started running his mouth again
"would you like to go away? just the two of us?"
I was tired of this and found myself too exhausted to give a genuine answer so I found myself saying yes. Of course I was going to say yes, I did want to and it kept things light, I also wanted to say no and quiz him on what he thought he was playing at. The bollocks I had been given in the beginning about only having three chances and yet I had given him twice that at least so why can I not find the strength to walk away?
The following week, I was galloping over to Dave's like the little lapdog I had become only to be greeted with D.I.Y. I had found it nice to do with him before but I was basically there just for that! I was given job after job and told how to do things right down to the finest detail as though I was a complete idiot and even then there was something silly that he did not agree with, as though he was looking for something that he could find wrong and he managed to always find something pathetic to moan about. I felt stripped of confidence to do the job and I even asked
"if I'm doing it wrong then what was the point of asking me around to do it?"
my response was just a stare as though he suffered from some form of social Autism until then...he found some words...
"I'm not talking down to you, I'm just telling you the best way to do it"
whether or not that was his intention, he did not know how to speak to people, he clearly thought he did but he actually did not, my response:
"That is how you are speaking to me"
So the D.I.Y. Disco carried on and what a ball it was and such a ball that I was greeted with more jobs the following morning, such as sanding down doors and wire brushing the wall outside to remove the marks from the vines. Do not get me wrong, I liked helping him, he had helped me before so I felt like I wanted to help but now it had become as though I was being used for shitty little D.I.Y. jobs, he would go out with friends and god knows who and what else but when it came to seeing me it was the D.I.Y. day...FUN! The pattern had formed to the point that he was stupid himself for thinking that I could not see it. The next night I stopped over, we were at it again...D.I.Y. that is, which this time was short but definitely not sweet. We were then treated to the desert of the D.I.Y. which was television, clearly I may as well not have been there, we were not engaged in each other and it had become mind numbing, he was getting short tempered with me, I was getting short tempered with me at still being there, at least we both had that in common...
When we went to bed that night, he claimed to be tired which was also becoming a common occurrence, why the hell can I not tear myself away from this man?
I tried taking it into my own hands and rolled onto him, he asked me to chew his foreskin...
I paused, the photo's from his phone flashed through my mind and suddenly I was not interested in the act of performance both in bed and the whole one man show of "I'm not in love with you".
I carried on until he came and I rolled over, turning away, he moved towards me and wrapped his arms around me and I felt dirty. I felt dirty because of the bedroom situation and because my morals seemed to have just died.
