Repression Is The Best Medicine - The Second Dose

...As Dave opened the door, he smiled and said

"Hello, come in"

The nerves had gone, I did not feel nervous, I felt angry at Dave for inviting me over as he clearly had not a care about any of what was going on and once again at myself.  Why am I still coming back?. Dave had the courtesy to wait until I was inside with the door closed to ask

"How are you?"

I said:

"I'm OK, I wasn't! but I'm OK"

I tried to calm down but I just saw red

"why have you asked me around David? Seriously? What is it going to achieve? Will it ease your conscience for us to be friends? Cos I doubt that you actually have one!"

since I was already losing the argument due to volume level, Dave tried to take control

"Oh you know what, if you're going to be like this then you may as well go cos it doesn't seem there is much point in being friends" 

There and then it looked certain how he was going to play this. I would be the bad guy with my apparent younger behaviour and therefore he would have to ask me to leave as he would not be able to cope, it is this 'tac-tic' that every person that is older than the other would use, however parents are quite straight to the point with it. Dave had clearly planned the outcome of the visit. I could have said anything at that stage and it would be like a landmine field so I needed to be extra careful where I was treading.

Not wanting to cut it short there, I wanted to hear what he had to say on the past eight months so I stuck around and calmed down and pleaded

"What do you expect? One minute you say this is a relationship and then next you're saying we have nothing in common! So why am I even here now Dave?"

I begged of him.

"I asked you over to explain, and to see if we can salvage some form of friendship from this"

I had mentioned the time we had in Chester over my birthday and of course Christmas and how one minute we were fine and the next there was something wrong. I did not mention any reservations I had with his Christmas gifts, it did not enter my head as it was irrelevant. Dave said he wanted to find someone to settle down with, but he did not know that I knew otherwise.

I had spent all this time looking for an answer from him and he would not give me one, so what was going to change that now?

We sat talking about how we were feeling and what we wanted. I went of on a tangent about how I felt about him and all I got, while pouring my heart out was the same glazed, vacant look he always gave whenever I had spoke, so still, he was not listening to me. Dave once again started bringing up feelings and what he wanted as though it was a consolation

"I do like you, but I want to settle down now and I don't think it's right holding each other back from that, it's hurting me too"

The whole time he spoke, his eyes; instead of being like the brown hypnotic whirlpools that I let myself be sucked into, were now like a shark's; black, soul less and they seemed dark like his being at this present time...hollow and I was looking for my metaphorical ladder (the truth) so I could pull myself out of the water. It was as though he did not know what to say and instead played the whole thing as he went along based on what I was saying and trying not to look like the bad guy. I would have been able to take the truth. He did not have to say anything harsh or soul destroying but he could have just said that the feeling was not there, it was looking that way anyway so he may as well have said it. The truth would have been the perfect book end to a bad experience, no arguing and just being able to walk away as there would be no more reason to linger, but for some reason Dave did not even want to risk the possibility of looking like the bad guy. However reading between the lines of the manipulation and the talking down, he was not exactly looking like Snow White.

So as he carried on saying he was hurting too and that he did not want this to happen, he then said that he had not been sleeping with anyone else, this was when I could pick him up in the conversation.

So I told Dave that I had looked through his phone and saw the Long Haired Lover and Mr. Chewy-Dick messages, again the same face but his jaw had now dropped, he literally was impersonating a Thunderbirds puppet.

"So why did you not ask about them?"

Dave asked. To which I responded

"Because I didn't know if it was anything to do with me as you had not given me your relationship crap and you would have just lied and claimed that they were friends anyway"

and then a silent pause. It was just so he could throw a lie together but at least it shown that he had listened properly as oppose to just finding a lie in what I was saying. However no longer being one to shock, Dave pulled out his excuse

"I slept with one around my birthday, which was only two months after we started seeing each other and I went for a drink with the other one who I did not sleep with and you know, his life was not exactly in order either"

I think that was an attempt at a justification. However I mentioned what was wrong in what he had just said by picking up on what was going on with me and Dave around both of them times:

"So you saw the chewy guy while we were seeing each other, which was vile when you asked me to do it that very same night to you and the long haired guy; the night when you said you were picking me up from the gym, I don't even live on the way home from the gym and you have the nerve to say that this was a relationship?

Do you not see what is wrong with this?"

once again Dave was sporting his famous vacant face and then said

"well you should have questioned me about it"

It was typical for Dave to turn it back on me. I was getting nowhere; sometimes we would be there throwing the blame back and forth as though it was some kind of sport but right now that was pointless, we both knew what was going on now and even though some insisted on it, there was no need for more lies.
I should have questioned him about it as maybe, just maybe, he could have let me know where I stood with him there and then but based on my knowledge of the character, I would have had an argument on my hands before I was fed lie after lie. Just then Liam called me, I did not answer the phone but I did text him letting him know that I would not be much longer. So as I finally admitted to myself that I was never going to get anywhere with Dave, in life or in conversation, I stood up and made my way to the door. I could feel the emotion starting to take over, so I swallowed, turned around and said

"I think I can try to be friends, but I need time"

Dave got up and walked towards me as I was putting my shoes on. He grabbed me, hugged me and just like that, I could not keep it in anymore. As I was making a complete clown of myself and showing how weak I had become, I sank even further and said

"I want you!"

Dave casually responded

"I know you do"

I was not quite sure what kind of response I was expecting, probably nothing but I was not expecting him to agree with me. Was he enjoying this? Was he enjoying the boost to his ego or was he just agreeing to keep peace?

Knowing there was no need for further analisation, I pulled myself away and said that I needed to go.

As I pulled away Dave said

"I meant what I said, I would like us to be friends"

I replied

"why?"

and then Dave gave me another open ended answer

"Well you know, I thought we got on and made each other laugh and maybe could go away together sometimes. You know, let's just see how things go, The course of true love never did run smooth.

That's from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, I studied that at A Level"

too exhausted to analyse and question further, I said

"OK"

I gave Dave a kiss, he clutched me as if to suggest that he may have really wanted it too but I accepted that in his mind, I could have been anyone at that moment and we can convince ourselves that we want something for a second but our feelings will always get in the way of any veil that we choose to cover up. Dave was just going through those motions to make it less harsh and easier for me to understand for it was now clear there had been nothing between us apart from the urge for a bit of fun eight months prior to all this pain I had pretty much signed up for.

I left feeling empty, I could feel myself on the verge of breaking down but there stood Liam at the end of the road and I knew I had to save face and let go to avoid looking like the fool I had become.

"The course of true love never did run smooth"

A Midsummer Night's Dream Act 1, Scene 1, 132-140

Repression Is The Best Medicine- Dose I

Two days after the death of what was, I was feeling down, I had tidied my flat completely...twice! I was not sure what else I could tidy, I needed something to occupy me so that I would not contemplate what a waste the last year had been.
I had to deal with it on my own with no one to talk to, none of my friends or family knew about me, they probably knew but I had not yet confirmed anything. I would be fine one minute with things to occupy me and then it would catch me unaware and I would be feeling down, it was tiring. So I mentally got myself back up and repressed every memory that I had of Dave, everything would be pushed aside in my mind every time it caught me unaware, I would just think of something completely unrelated and focus as hard as I could on that.
On the Wednesday, I went out with my other two musketeers Martin and Liam, we arranged to meet around Martin's house, Martin always hated me and Liam being late as me and Liam were like two old ladies when we got together drinking, so Martin had ordered us to get around his house as soon as possible, myself and Liam knew what was coming. We would arrive at Martin's all preened just to be put through the same motions of listening to the latest Grime/Hip Hop artist that Martin had discovered that week. Myself and Liam knew it would happen so it did not feel as painful when it did, we just drank even quicker, for some reason, I had taken a bottle of Champagne, so me and Liam drank that to ourselves to numb the pain of Martin's running commentary on the early choice of soundtrack.
The night was made slightly more tragic when some other friends turned up with a bottle of Champagne also... however the second bottle of Champagne brought by our friend Becky turned out to be none other than 'Bucks Fizz'...oh the shame, but we laughed it off when Becky cried

"What's the difference?"

 

Bless the poor girl, she could not even taste the difference as apparently between the two, the only difference was that one was

"Orange flavour"

After Becky had attempted to get her head around the tipple so far, we all decided to guzzle and go.

The night was a good night, I did not manage to think about the obvious at all, we drank, danced and drank some more and even bumped into people that we thought had fallen of the edge of the city. That was until we came to a halt, we decided to venture somewhere quiet, Martin was still stood firmly tall as though he was a famous battery bunny but myself and Liam were enjoying the time to calm down for a second and then the events from the beginning of the week hit me, wallowing in self pity I stood there feeling alone and I turned to Liam and said

"I've been sort of seeing someone since May and it came to an end this week"

Liam looked slightly in shock before turning away and casually joking

"Why? Did you and Dave suddenly decide to stop sticking things up each others bottoms?"

he turned his head back to me with a smug look on his face as if awaiting to receive his applause for such a profound comment, only to find me staring back with no expression on my face, just staring and probably not even blinking.

Liam's face evolved from smug to shocked, horrified even at the news. He turned to the others and cried

"Right, he needs a shit so we will be back in a minute!"

usually I would have been embarrassed to the core but I just nodded, disagreeing and followed Liam into the toilet. When we got in there, Liam cornered me

"Why haven't you told anyone?!"

to which I replied

"It's no one Else's business. Forget I said anything and let's go back outside"

Liam's tone became more firm, it was the alcohol but he seemed to want to know everything

"No! Why have you kept it to yourself?!"

I went on the defense and said

"you are only acting like this cos I have just told you, you would not know any different had I not said anything"

Liam seemed to sympathise

"No but you have, so why have you told me now?"

without wording it in a way to sound in control I gave in and said

"because I don't know how to deal with this"

Just then Martin came bursting through the door and shouted at the top of his lungs

"Have you two gays done bumming?"

to which Liam responded

"well, after years of holding everything in, it's all decided to come shooting out of this one tonight!"

We left the venue to go back to the haze of the dance floor. Once inside, I tried to lose everyone so I could escape and go home but Liam seemed to always be there, I told him I was leaving and He said

"Well, Martin seems to have disappeared so I'll come with you"

I assured him that I was not about to be a burden and that I would gladly go home alone but Liam insisted to at least walk home with me.

I did not know where to start, I wanted to tell him my intentions from the beginning so I did not look like some victim but I kept referring to Dave which confused the conversation as Liam asked

"So was this before or after Dave?"

I stuck to my story and tried to tell him as much in the right order until I got to 'the now' that was.

It was a long story and I think Liam did well to stay awake through it after drinking as much but he had his questions and seemed to sympathise.

I woke the next morning feeling mortified, I turned over and saw Liam looking right at me. To kill the awkwardness I said

"Hello, that Sorcha was a bit nice wasn't she?"

Liam lazily responded

"Hmm"

He clearly remembered so I asked

"Do you remember what I told you last night?"

Liam assertively answered

"YES! I thought you were going to try and cover it up with that Sorcha comment and be all like 'I like biff hole!'"

It was a relief, I guess I had cheated a little bit by telling the gay first but sexuality aside, he was probably the better person to confide with on that anyway.

Liam stayed with me the whole day as though I was an invalid, I felt quite calm, despite the repression feeling although it was healing me, it felt like a weight had been lifted, albeit drunk, talking to Liam. I spent the rest of the week talking to Liam about the matter. I told him that I had the urge to go over and just tell Dave how I felt but based on past experience, it would just be thrown back in my face as something completely different to what it actually was.

Later that day I received a text from Dave

"Hello, how you doing? would you like to meet up over the weekend for coffee so that we can talk?"

Liam, suggested it was too soon

"It's too soon and for him to suggest meeting up already just shows that he doesn't care about how you're feeling"

not usually being one to  give in, I agreed. Dave knew how I had felt about him, that's why he had kept me around as long as he did. He saw me as this impressionable being that he could take for a ride in more ways than one whenever it benefited him. I did not respond... until later that day when I did reply and agreed. Liam was full of sarcasm for the rest of the day but agreed to come with me in case it became too much.

"If you think it's going to be OK?"

The truth was that I did not think it would be OK, I was terrified, I had been repressing it all as much as I could that I had become scared that I would be turned into his subject/ Guinea Pig again.

On the Saturday, Liam walked with me so far and then went home, he said he will give me half an hour and come and wait for me. I did not know if that was going to be enough time. I predicted that once I was there that we would be talking around in circles  about who was to blame and who read what signals wrong and it would all end up open with unanswered questions as it was time to leave.

I walked towards the house ashamed of myself, if it was not enough to stick around when I was able to read the signs then going back for more when every was out in the open was bound to push me over the edge. I kept pushing all anxieties and hurt out of my head, thinking that all I need to do is get my answers and say goodbye. I became more nervous as I approached the door and again even more as I saw Dave's silhouette appear in the frosted glass...

End of The Line?

The next morning myself and Liam awoke with mild Boxing Day hangovers, we had a Sex and the City marathon and then Liam went home. Ashley ventured over for coffee and to catch up on the day before. Ashley had started coming over a bit strange; he said he was seeing someone but it was painful for him to think of me with Dave, his eyes started to flood up and his voice became shaky, it was quite the performance, but with everything going on with Dave Could not deal with it right now.
Ashley was seeing a bunch of 20 year olds which he liked to brag about and also throw his money at so I made myself aware of the playboy life he liked to think he led. Which made me able to let everything go in one ear and out the other.
That night, I went back to Dave's house where I had to recite Christmas for the fourth time in 24 hours, it was made better by a different rendition i.e his version of Christmas, which apparently was spent talking about soaps.
Myself and Dave spent the day together watching films, Christmas television and drinking wine, it was as though Boxing Day made up for Christmas, I stayed over and it seemed to turn Christmas right around for me.
The day after Boxing Day, Dave was going for lunch with a few friends. He asked me if I wanted to go and I agreed. I was quite nervous as I had obviously met two of them but apparently I had "not met everyone". Dave picked me up and we went back to his house to wait for his other friends to turn up. When we arrived back home, to wait, Dave bent me over the breakfast stool and took me from behind, I was quite nervous in case friend turned up, which emphasised the rush.
When Dave's other friend Leonard arrived, we grabbed our stuff and left. We met the others at the location. The destination was a tiny little old pub on the outside yet on the inside looked very much like an extended, more accommodating version of a grandmother's living room. I was introduced to the extra friend, who I had not yet met, he said he had heard a lot about me, a phrase I seemed to keep hearing. I wondered: why was he so intrigued? what had he been told? He had this glare, he would constantly unashamedly glare every so often, usually whenever Dave was talking or being spoken to as if he waited for his attention to go else where. I tried not to think too much into it and I smiled politely and looked away, I should have just said that it was OK to stare as Dave is sleeping with a bunch of twinks anyway, but that would have been too much of a public display, even in Granny's living room!
I sat and I answered all the questions they kept firing, the same old questions that I had heard so much of that I think I was being asked them again by the same people and if no one is going to listen the first time, they sure as hell was not going to take it in now. I watched them talk, talk about how fast the year had flown by and what they want to do with the next year, it was a decent conversation but surely they should have done everything by now? Either way I was not to be included in the conversation.
After playing invisible yet again while the 'big guys' spoke of spending their so called wealth, they arranged to all meet at another pub nearer to Dave's house, it made perfect sense as Leonard was staying at Dave's house. So Dave dropped me off at mine and went off on his way to guzzle with his gays.
 When I got in, I wondered, what has he been telling these people? why are they so intrigued one minute and then shutting me off the next? Dave's actions did not showcase any devotion or attraction so why was everyone coming across so excited? were they being polite? Is it a vital part of being up your own arse to be fake?
I know plenty of people that are of a pretentious nature and are actually quite horrible to others around them. I put it down to them being polite.
Me and Dave did not really see each other until the Friday (New Year's Eve) after our mini break argument and meeting the past conquests I had clearly been given a bad review, but only bad enough to want me as a seat filler i.e. when the more important ones could not service Dave. So When we met on that Friday daytime, it was nice. We had a coffee, lunch and dinner as well as the metaphorical desert that is also known as horizontal jogging...sex. Things just seemed to fit into place, on that day, I thought for a second that maybe the so called differences were not that big of a deal but for all my so-called sins, I remained sceptical.
Myself and Dave did not see the new year in with each other, it would have been nice but he had other arrangements with planning a murder mystery game at his house. It had nothing to do with me so I did not impose.
The next day, New Year's Day, I was invited around to Dave's house. We went for a meal at a pub nearby where we both enjoyed a very filling burger. Dave asked me if I wanted to spend the night with him, so I did and also spent the next night following after that. It was nice, despite everything that had happened so far, it felt very intimate, but I knew we were no closer, we lay in bed, made breakfast and spent the day together and the sex was spontaneous as well as passionate even through the toast making, my loins were burning.
I stayed through to the Sunday night. We woke on the Monday morning, wrapped up together. Dave turned me over and held me down, as I surrendered he kept mentioning what he was doing as he did it. Dave said twice how he was taking my "briefs" down, however they were trunks. He did his business in his own time, which as usual meant that I was not allowed to reach my peak and then we went on to plan our day. Dave had not wanted to use any protection, but after a very off putting talk, we did. I told Dave shortly after that he had no right to demand that we do not use protection. If we were not together then he was seeing other people...why would he not be? so therefore as we do not know what the other is getting up to, we then need to use something. For his own sake as well as mine. Dave's response to this was

"but I'm not seeing anyone else"

to which I responded

"seeing or sleeping?"

Dave did not yet know that i had gone out of my way to prove to myself that he was lying

"...well, neither"

he said. I had to explain

"We can sit here and say to each other that we are not sleeping with anyone else, but we don't know what the other is getting up to when left to their own devices. Therefore, I think we need to protect ourselves"

It did not sink in, he carried on manipulating it

"Are YOU sleeping with anyone else"

I said... "No, but then it is just as easy to say, even if I was and you wouldn't know"

the manipulation had set up camp; Dave responded

"I choose to believe you"

I accepted that he was trying to act all sweet about it so I melted but what with the news of my friend Liam, I could not give in and sacrifice myself. So I attempted to put my foot down with a bottom line...

"We can go around in circles saying all this but we don't know what each other is doing, so we do need to use something, we are on profile sites and you are constantly on there so you cant have it both ways"

Dave lay there in silence for nearly a minute before changing the subject.

"So what do you to do today?"

As we lay 'planning' the day consisted of sight seeing, we were to go on a walk before our meal and then home to spend the evening together. We got up and ready but I had not brought any walking shoes, so we headed back to mine first.

When we got there, Dave walked into my bedroom and spun around as I changed my footwear.

"What's this?"

...Dave asked from the other room,

"what's what?"

...I asked as I walked through to Dave pointing at a condom wrapper on the floor. I have never been a good liar and there was nothing to actually lie about however I did panic as I spoke in case it came across as lying, it was an old wrapper and could been from my bathroom bin, which I rarely empty or from my bag when I have taken protection to Dave's but despite my innocence in the matter I still found myself saying...

"You never heard of  Posh Wank?"

It was the worst excuse, I could have told the truth, either way despite all Dave's lying, I had now been made to look like the guilty party

Dave responded...

"yes, but I don't see why people do it"

and neither could I, yet for some reason it just flew out of my mouth. I used it as an example, saying how it looks and that we can never know what the other is getting up to,. Dave agreed.

As we walked to the car, Dave kept grilling me, it looked as though he was using the opportunity as an escape. I answered all his questions truthfully and as he could not seek his freedom there and catch me out, he said

"I don't want to see you if you are seeing other people, you think this is a grown up relationship, it's not. I've not been happy for a while"

I had stopped entertaining the idea of a relationship a while ago and it was perfectly clear he was never happy but finally, the words from his lips, it was hurting as I knew that this was now it but I had it from the horses mouth.

Dave stopped the car, he brought up all our differences again, just like he did when it was my birthday and so I said

"Do you want me to go?"

to which Dave responded

"Do what you want"

and just as Dave carried on ranting about how insignificant I was, I interrupted

"OK, I'm going to go"

I got out of the car and walked away, I did not look back as I did not want to linger on that last image. as soon as I was out of sight I received a text from Dave asking if we could still be friends. I asked him to leave me alone. I walked home devastated of course but there was a part of me that felt relief, for so long I had tried to get an answer out of him even when it was crystal clear and all this time I was beeing fed lies. I went home and cleaned my flat top to bottom, it hurt, but right now I need to not let the pain cunsume me.

I may not have been completely in the know with what was going on but at least now I finally had my answer.