Spontaneity can be a lovely thing, I always dreamed I would either tell somebody my feelings or even propose to someone while singing their favourite song in the nude with only a guitar maintaining my dignity...but too much went into the idea for it not to be spontaneous and first and foremost I would need to learn guitar!
I have never before had the inspiration from another to feel such things, I get bored quickly when it comes to people, so it takes a certain person to make me want to stick around. At this point that person was Dave and I was terrified that this emotion may actually be real. My feelings for him had caught up with me and over took everyone else that I had ever got close to yet, with Dave I had found myself not even getting close to at all.
I had spent the majority of the past month trying to keep an open mind and play along with things; letting things go in one ear and out of the other yet at the same time analysing the situation; this was for my own benefit, for if I weighed up everything, without talking about emotions then I would come to my own conclusions, without anyone disputing them for their own personal gain. On the other hand; should the unrealistic happen, that being him meaning what he said, then I could let my subconscious rule and the isolation melt away.
I had spent yet another week deep in thought about as much as I had in his company, I had addressed the whole going-along-with-things before and each time I tried, it did not get any easier, should I say something? or should I disappear? Maybe I could turn up at his house and tell him how I feel?
but I will either find him with someone or he will be pissed off that I woke him, either way it will result in an angry response which will lead to a negative attitude. So I needed to give it more time.
Every waking moment, I longed to feel his touch, his skin, his body, smell his scent, kiss his lips, wrap my arms around his body as he lay with me, thrust against me, inside me. I liked to watch him in concentration, whether it be deep into something on the television or on DVD, to reading books or doing DIY. The look on his face as he absorbs what unfolds before him made my knees weak. Just watching him read or explain what he was doing when he put up a shelf or a mirror made me want to grab his face and kiss it right off...but then I am left with the reality of still not knowing the mutual feeling.
I got excited whenever I was about to see him, sad when I had to leave him and then I would catch myself analysing his behaviour and his words and the fact that they would never add up.
So as I was so far, this time, successful in keeping my feelings hidden...when in the company of the cause of the problem anyway, I figured that I was doing no wrong. However inside, I was going crazy; all these emotions taking over like some illegal addiction and there is no rehabilitation programme for that. So I gave myself more time without knowing what it would achieve.
Most of the week had been taken up by thoughts consumed of this situation. I still had no plan and this feeling of not screaming out my feelings was absolutely killing me, I was walking around at work feeling quite down and as though something was slipping through my fingers in the space of the time it takes for the clock on countdown to finish. So as it all boiled up, I gave it my best shot but I had reached boiling point and text him:
"which message?"
I answered
"Don't you...? Well you may as well stay now as it's getting late"
Dave responded
"I don't know dude, I'm going to the gym later so about 8?"
I was thrown, which one was he meeting? both? there was surely not enough time? I had spent the whole day trying not to think about it, again I was in the comfort zone of blocking everything out...the healthiest option but every time I closed my eyes there were the pictures from Dave's phone emblazoned in my mind.
That night I was waiting for 8pm, thinking to myself: 'are they done yet?' then I received a text from Dave:
I have never before had the inspiration from another to feel such things, I get bored quickly when it comes to people, so it takes a certain person to make me want to stick around. At this point that person was Dave and I was terrified that this emotion may actually be real. My feelings for him had caught up with me and over took everyone else that I had ever got close to yet, with Dave I had found myself not even getting close to at all.
I had spent the majority of the past month trying to keep an open mind and play along with things; letting things go in one ear and out of the other yet at the same time analysing the situation; this was for my own benefit, for if I weighed up everything, without talking about emotions then I would come to my own conclusions, without anyone disputing them for their own personal gain. On the other hand; should the unrealistic happen, that being him meaning what he said, then I could let my subconscious rule and the isolation melt away.
I had spent yet another week deep in thought about as much as I had in his company, I had addressed the whole going-along-with-things before and each time I tried, it did not get any easier, should I say something? or should I disappear? Maybe I could turn up at his house and tell him how I feel?
but I will either find him with someone or he will be pissed off that I woke him, either way it will result in an angry response which will lead to a negative attitude. So I needed to give it more time.
Every waking moment, I longed to feel his touch, his skin, his body, smell his scent, kiss his lips, wrap my arms around his body as he lay with me, thrust against me, inside me. I liked to watch him in concentration, whether it be deep into something on the television or on DVD, to reading books or doing DIY. The look on his face as he absorbs what unfolds before him made my knees weak. Just watching him read or explain what he was doing when he put up a shelf or a mirror made me want to grab his face and kiss it right off...but then I am left with the reality of still not knowing the mutual feeling.
I got excited whenever I was about to see him, sad when I had to leave him and then I would catch myself analysing his behaviour and his words and the fact that they would never add up.
So as I was so far, this time, successful in keeping my feelings hidden...when in the company of the cause of the problem anyway, I figured that I was doing no wrong. However inside, I was going crazy; all these emotions taking over like some illegal addiction and there is no rehabilitation programme for that. So I gave myself more time without knowing what it would achieve.
Most of the week had been taken up by thoughts consumed of this situation. I still had no plan and this feeling of not screaming out my feelings was absolutely killing me, I was walking around at work feeling quite down and as though something was slipping through my fingers in the space of the time it takes for the clock on countdown to finish. So as it all boiled up, I gave it my best shot but I had reached boiling point and text him:
"I love you, I don't know if you feel the same way, I have my doubts but I needed to tell you. I know it's weak of me but I do love you"
as I wrote, I could feel my heart pounding, which got more rapid as I wrote, right up until sending...the damage had been done, if he did not want me now then this was both of our escape routes.
I went about an hour and then checked my phone, Dave had responded
I went about an hour and then checked my phone, Dave had responded
"It's not weak of you to have emotions, it's all fair enough telling me but I want you to show me, prove it to me"
Love as an allegory should not be a sport and neither should a more defined concept of it either, yet I felt a competitive streak grow inside me, as soon as I read the message, I thought 'you're on' which was then followed by thoughts of how? If the actions and his words fail to match up then I can only show him with my actions just like he said but I will always risk remaining in limbo as he never means what he says.
That weekend we had arranged for me to go over. Nothing was mentioned in the way of what I had previously mentioned. We went about our night as usual...watching TV and then going to bed. Dave said he was tired and did not feel in the mood for any activities other than sleep, so we both got ready for bed and climbed in with the intention of slumber, only for me to bring up
That weekend we had arranged for me to go over. Nothing was mentioned in the way of what I had previously mentioned. We went about our night as usual...watching TV and then going to bed. Dave said he was tired and did not feel in the mood for any activities other than sleep, so we both got ready for bed and climbed in with the intention of slumber, only for me to bring up
"what did you think of my message?"
his response was
"which message?"
I answered
"the message I sent you on Friday?"
It was only Sunday and he did reply, therefore he could not have forgotten already.
"I can't be doing with these mind games, it's childish"
I asked:
"what is so childish about admitting something like this, I have no intention or agenda. I'm just telling you how I feel"
He went on some rant about how I always say it, like I had some disorder that I could not face up to and he was telling me that I have some sort of problem, filling the thought gaps of what next to throw in there next to tear me down with 'er...', 'erm...' and 'You know...' which tempted me to say ''no I don't know'.
It was clear that he was the one playing these childish games that I was being accused of. It had occured to me that he may be playing these games based on how he See's me but then that is his own doing.
As his voice got more assertive, I lost my patience and interrupted with
"Do you want me to go?"
Dave said
"I think that might be best don't you?"
It was clear, surely this is my answer, yes I was reading between the lines but he said he wanted me to go, albeit trying to put it into my own hands so it was not down to him but the bottom line was definite that he wanted me to go. I gathered my stuff and went downstairs, I got myself together and then I found myself stood there with one boot on, thinking... I did not want to go, I did not know what foundations had been laid, pretty much nothing I guess but either way I was not prepared to walk away from this man, this man who could not see past the end of his nose with or without sunglasses.
So I took my shoes off and went back upstairs and said
"I don't want to go"
He said "Don't you...? Well you may as well stay now as it's getting late"
However it was not much later than when he prompted me to leave. I stayed that night, we arranged to see each other again the following night as there was no need for bad blood. There was a bit of physical activity the next morning.
As I lay there, in his bed as he went in to get in the shower, something urged me for certification. He had left his mobile on his bedside table and I did something that I never thought I would ever catch myself doing...go through it!
I looked through his messages and despite all my doubts, I was still shocked to be proven right, there was two messages from two guys; one guy was complementing him on his picture and had obviously sent him a picture of himself too which was the next message: a mid shot pic of a long haired guy in his briefs, clearly in his early 20's, admittedly he was very nice looking. The conversation was arranging to meet the following night at 6pm, the same night I had already arranged something with Dave. The next guy clearly had already been acted on once before, there was talk of getting together and missing "being inside that ass" but the worst thing was Dave had sent a message in reply stating
"I remember you having a very chewable foreskin"
I was first thrown by how the texture of that would be...rubber? the conversation was complete with a typical cock and crack shot...I say crack, everything was pulled open that you could nearly see the guy's lunch. So clearly your typical kind of photo's clearly not dealing with art students here.
The second guy was asking when Dave was next at the gym, Dave went to the gym every night after work and now it was clear why. Feeling mortified and ashamed, I put the phone down and got myself dressed. Dave came galloping into the bedroom in a towel and I asked
"what time shall I come over tonight?"
Dave responded
"I don't know dude, I'm going to the gym later so about 8?"
That night I was waiting for 8pm, thinking to myself: 'are they done yet?' then I received a text from Dave:
"Hi, I'm done at the gym early, I can come pick you up as it is on my way"
This threw me completely, not only was I under the impression he was meeting someone but if he had gone to the gym like he had said then I was certainly not on his way home.
When he arrived he rolled up on the car park across the road and waited for his next appointment i.e. me. When I climbed in the car, he was in his work clothes, but maybe he had a shower? but there was no scent of anything no scent of cleanliness nor sweat. We had the whole 'good day' conversation on the journey home, everything went through one ear and out the other for it was more than likely being thought of the second it came out of his mouth.
Later that evening I had calmed down, he seemed to be acting his normal self and I was nearly forgetting about the long haired lover from the mobile phone until he slipped up and apologised for having chilli breath, if I could smell it
"Because I've had some chilli nuts tonight"
I was unaware that you could get chilli nuts during at the gym? It all made sense then that Dave had not been to the gym like he had said. Instead he had been for a drink with the long haired lover.
I did ask about the alleged chilli nuts at the gym and his response was
"I bumped into a friend and we went for a drink instead"
this was admitted to despite texting me, telling me he had finished the gym early.
The next morning, I had the opportunity to check his phone again, the long haired lover was there again in the inbox with a couple of messages leading up to and at 6pm, the time Dave said he would be at the gym. The messages being how they were going to meet up:
During the day:
Long Haired Lover: "Hello Dave, are we still on for tonight?"
Dave: "Yes dude, I will ring you at lunch time to arrange. What car do you drive?"
Leading up to 6pm:
Dave: "I'm at the back of the car park waiting, let me know when you get here"
Afterwards:
Long Haired Lover: "It was nice meeting you, You are lovely and I would like to us to meet up again"
I was torn, do I confront him or do I see what happens? either way I was going to come out of this worse off but at least I would have my answer, an answer that he is too much of a coward to admit to.
