A Mini Break Part I

The weekend away with Dave, we had arranged that I would stay over at his on the Friday night and then leave early the next morning. Dave had informed me that he was going out on that Friday evening with a "friend" which I accepted, I took it with a pinch of salt but I accepted. I had booked the Friday off work so I could get some stuff done as well as get ready to go over at night.
Dave had told me that it would not be a late one so I thought, as it is not a late night and I cannot be bothered to sit around and wait for him, I took my time and hoped I would be done in time for when he was home.
When I arrived, the house was empty, so I sat and had a drink of some alcohol I had brought with me, I then had a second glass and a third. About an hour later, I was getting bored, so I thought I would give him another forty-five minutes and then go home, I was tired of all this waiting around while he goes out and sticks his cock in anything possibly unprotected and then expected me to still be sat there just so he has got someone there in bed with him. The time went slowly and of course as the forty-five minutes passed, I figured I would give him a chance and wait an extra fifteen minutes before I left him to it.
After the extra time, I slowly got my stuff together and left. I walked slow for I thought if we happen to turn the same corner at the same time than I will not have to walk all the way home but we did not. Dave was no where near finishing his night just yet and I was no where near wanting to wait.
On the stroll home and about halfway there, I received a call from Dave:

"I'm on my way back now, are you at mine?"

"I was but I left"

Dave adopted his attempt at a argumental tone which he always used when he tried to make me feel as though I was acting out of order.

"why?! I told you I was going out. I thought you were staying here tonight?"

I went back, it made sense to stay there as we would have been ready to go in the morning, the problem was that Dave had said it was not to be a late one and as usual I was sat there waiting around for him.

We sat and spoke and he had the courtesy to apologise, which was clearly said just to keep the peace.

The next day we woke up and as it was my birthday, I received a very nice happy birthday along with a coffee in bed and a 70cl bottle of my favourite Tennessee Whiskey and then we decided we would go to Chester. It was a pleasant drive down, we had a bit a of a laugh while listening to some music and then I fell asleep, which was not really fair on Dave I guess.

It was nice to sit together and talk about anything, those kind of conversations that start on one topic and end up being completely different. It was just us two talking, no distractions, however I did address the fact that the reason for it being made so pleasant was probably due to the fact that we had nowhere to escape to should we start to argue.

When we arrived, we had a little drive around, looking for the hotel, which turned out to be not too far from the train station...should I need to escape.

The hotel was a very narrow building which stretched back quite a bit with a bar next to the canal. Walking inside, there was a bar at the front which had hardly anyone in and then the reception/front desk was squashed right next to the bar, with a lift that led everywhere in the building, no proper 'lobby' area and no stairs. The prediction of our room was frightening.

Dave very casually made the lady at the front desk aware of our booking as he had clearly done this a million times, he handed over his card and made a joke

"you don't have to hold onto that do you? Someone will have been shopping" 

It came from nowhere, it was no secret that Dave liked his material things but it was one of those jokes that has no purpose just like the opposite end of such a comment like

"you won't get very far with that"

I have never understood those kind of comments, they are not exactly welcoming to a person's character.

After the short journey in the lift, we walked through the maze-like corridor to our room, it was quite spacious slightly like the tardis or at least by comparison of the size of the building, there was a widescreen television, facing the bed and then another bedroom at the back.

We dumped our stuff, had a look around and then Dave got his camera ready and we ventured outside to take in what Chester had to offer before it got dark.
I had never been to Chester and Dave had, so I suggested he think of something and then we can go from there. We went a walk around the walls; we gazed, we took pictures of the town clock and the buildings and I can only speak for myself but I felt that we may have actually enjoyed each others company...but thats my opinion.
It was relaxed, it was not rushed or false...again in my opinion, I was becoming more excited for the rest of the mini break.
After the walk, we went back to the hotel for some rest and relaxation, once indoors we indulged in neither, we attempted to as we lay on the bed, I rolled over on top of Dave and started to kiss him. It was an urge I had to act on. I went down on him as he lay on the bed, taking the whole of his length in my mouth, right to the top of my throat. His moans made me more horny and more determined to encounter as much physical activity with him while we were in the hotel room.
After dave had gone down on me, he rimmed me. The way his stubble felt against me sent chills up and down my spine and as though that was not enough, he grabbed my balls and than wanked my cock as he lapped up my ass like a hungry pupp. I was so horny, I was weak with desire and then he stopped, and took me from behind; he started nice and slow, grinding his hips as he slowly went at me. It was nice, sexy and I was still tingling and then he went faster, pulling me back onto his hard cock until, as though he realised, he squatted up like a monkey and ploughed away at me, holding my ass in place and with my cheeks apart as he thrust vigorously. It drove me crazy.
After sex, we lay talking about our plans for the weekend, I mentioned I would like to go on one of those bus tours as we were only there for two nights which was agreed on but not confirmed. We watched a film, then a second round of fumbling which was followed by a nap.
When we woke, Dave looked on the internet for somewhere to eat and rang around a couple of places but it seemed they were fully reserved. So we conveiniently agreed to go to the Indian Restaurant near the Hotel which looked like some place near the sea but inside it smelt like a dream especially to myself and Dave who were absolutely starving.
We sat and spoke about Christmas arrangements, I was about to encounter problems with getting home for Christmas and Dave mentioned he was willing to give me a lift home if I needed one. It was awfully nice of him and for a second my judgement slipped and I felt warm and happy, a feeling that had become, especially over the past year, that of a selfish feeling as I did not have that right until the feeling was mutual and as of yet it was not.
We sat talking about things to do with Christmas then it led to him talking about his friend Daz, who I found on his phone, this snapped me out of my deluded state, which was always something that you could rely on Dave for; his words made you believe him to a point but then his actions always made you aware of the reality.
Once our food was ordered, it took forever to get served, so Dave went searching for answers. Despite the wait, it was avery nice meal. We went out after the meal and managed to venture across the town, we may have looked like two gay men but I could not have cared less...

True Colours?

A couple of weeks after my paranoia had thrived on evidence, I stopped looking, why waste my time? I had been put into a position of believing the rubbish this man spun and for what? his own gain.
Ashley was on the scene, After our first conversation I did have my reservations about meeting him as I was so caught up in Dave but I decided to bite the bullet and give Ashley yet another call but this time to actually meet instead of just talking about meeting. In his profile Ashley looked like someone who I would have spent a night with and then tossed aside, However, when the man turned up at my door it was a completely different story, he had short brown hair, deep brown eyes and a tone of skin that looked as though he had just returned from holiday and of course a decent smile, he was broad and also my height, he came in and we spoke, he smelt of cologne which made him look a total Spiv but for that night, I could handle it. His kiss was soft but his touch was firm, he had big arms which had the power to make me tingle as he handled me in positions to suit his own needs. My body was trembling, he made me so hard as he gripped me just hard enough not to hurt. As we both got more into the fondling, Ashley pulled back, stood up and said

"right, OK, I'll see you next time"

"WHAT?!"

I replied.

"yeah, we can leave it at that for now and conclude next time. If you enjoyed this now then you will want to follow it up"

I could tell he did not want to go as he kept leaning in to kiss me which made me think

"why the hell should I contact him again now?"

He had his chance and wasted it. However, the way he touched me made me want to get him back again... so I did.

He was very hands on when he returned, very controlling, but just in the right way, it was nice. His tool managed to curve in the right way too. We moved from the bedroom to the lounge where i was thrown over a bean-bag.

Afterwards We lay talking, we were very out of breath, it felt good. This guy was not trying to manipulate me into doing anything and did not claim any form of feeling, he could not really as we had pretty much only just met. The conversation just flowed, it felt a bit forced at first and I did wonder how long it would go on for but I became more comfortable as we spoke.

Ashley contacted me that night asking about meeting again, I was unsure what to do, I figured that as we got on easily then what harm could it do.

The following Monday, my day off, I received a phone call from my friend Liam, he seemed stressed and a little upset

"Two nurses have just turned up at my door and I need to go to the hospital with them, can you cover me at work?"

I responded:

"Yes, of course..., is everything OK?"

Liam told me discreetly:

"I don't know, I will let you know the details later, I told work that I have to go to the Doctors."

It was all I could think of all day, I could not get my friends health out of my head. So when Liam finally turned up to do my shift, I very selfishly had questions especially as he did not want to talk about it, I made a joke, Liam had a slight reptile look to him and therefore myself and Liam would joke how he was older than the earth itself and somehow managed to survive and evolve through the ages it was a joke he would mock himself with too however today, it did touch a nerve.

Liam said quite stressed

"...well let's just say that after all this time, MY time is finally up!"

It was quite a dramatic come back but considering his news I think it was acceptable. I knew what he was referring to but still had to ask. When Liam told me he was HIV Positive, I did feel myself on the verge of crumbling but we were working and I managed to hold it together, it would be no good for him dealing with it if I could not be there as a pillar of strength.

The next day I invited Liam over and we sat talking about what the doctors had actually told him, I had to ask if he was using protection and he said yes but not for oral sex. After Liam had gone I got to thinking about taking precautions and that me and Dave had had quite a few slips in the heat of the moment and I began to panic. If Liam was unaware whilst, still taking precautions, then what twist of fate had I earned that would stop me from contracting HIV? Again the pictures from Dave's phone went through my head and I just broke down in the privacy of my living room and let it all out.

After the build up had got the better of me, I peeled myself up and went to wash my face. I needed to be firmer with the protection thing despite how much he stressed about it feeling better without a Condom, I needed to put my foot down.

"I'm not sleeping with anyone else" 

Which then made me think of Ashley, I needed to ask him the same question, especially if we were to meet up again.

I left my conversation with Dave with the intention of needing to use contraception, I had been fair in my delivery and not accusing

"Either one of us can say we are not sleeping with anyone else and the other won't know, therefore we need to protect ourselves"

Dave glared at me vacantly...

"Yes I suppose you're right"

We had gone a couple of weeks using protection and it was my belief it was going quite well Dave did not say either way until the following weekend, we were approaching the weekend of my birthday which is when we had agreed to go away, we had not yet decided where but we had arranged the time together. However the week before, I went over and we sat talking which led to fondling and then a trip upstairs, I said I had not brought anything with me to us and he whispered right in my ear...

"let's do it without"

 I said no pushing him away as he pushed himself firmly further on to me, I did start to feel scared but I knew he would not have forced me into it against my will, he was not strong enough to have that power. I became a bit more assertive

"NO!"

pushing him away, and for a second, he did but he did start back up again. Dave knew the hold he would have and he kept poking my ass with his hard cock, without penetration, teasing me so I would give in. He pulled away and kissed me and then went for it trying to insert himself, I gave in for  second but pulled away rapidly

"we can't, I haven't got anything"

I pleaded, it was not just Dave I was pleading with, it was also myself.

"We don't need anything, I've already told you I'm not sleeping with anyone else"

he kissed me and tried again, he lay on me and inserted himself...I did nothing, I did not fight or argue nor did I not pull away...I did enjoy it.

After Dave had once again used me as a sex toy, I sat on the end of the bed feeling dirty and once again not just because of him but myself also. I panicked, I became scared about what we had just done and I figured that I would go to the GUM clinic that following Monday to see what I can do, I had heard of the Drug Pep so I spent the night and the following day (Sunday), terrified.

That Monday I went to the GUM clinic to speak to someone. I explained that I had unprotected sex with someone whose sexual health I knew nothing about, they asked if I gave or received at the time, I received.

They took some test, the typical HIV tests, I was in the room with and amateur, first his phone went off which he nearly answered and because he nearly answered, he had to set up the needle all over again. His colleague entered the room, her phone then went off and they laughed because they were not supposed to have their phones on them... But that was not enough to add to my angst, one nurse said as she went to place the needle in my arm

"We won't have any trouble getting blood out of these arms, just look at those veins!"

 I could feel the room spinning. after she took the sample I had not got any better, I still felt as though I was about to pass out, they were quite attentive despite their ignorant comments to someone as they are about to have a blood sample taken.

I was then moved to another room where I was given a lecture on safe sex and the Pep drug that they were putting me on, apparently it is not pleasant, I thought nothing off it and assumed I would be fine. I was also ordered to bring Dave in on their same day testing day i.e. when the results are given the day of the test, this was so they could determine whether or not to take me off the drug.

That night I was seeing Dave, I was terrified of telling him he would be too proud to go to a place like that, he would not think of himself as nothing less than immortal. I just came out with it, there was no point beating around the bush really, I pleaded for him to go as it would mean I could come off the drug, much to my surprise, he agreed. 

On the day of Dave's testing, I had stayed over the night before so I knew he would turn up. We waited in the waiting room and Dave admitted he was terrified, to which I responded

"if you're not sleeping with people then you shouldn't have anything to worry about"

I was told to be quiet and stop playing games...since when did stating the obvious become a game...?

When Dave went in, he was not gone for very long which puzzled me, he came out and sat for a bit and was then taken into a room and then we were done.

Back in the car, I asked how he was feeling, he said he was OK and glad it was over. I asked what they did as I sat terrified for him, the guy is usually a top but willing to swap from time to time or at least that was the case with me, this led me to believe that he was having the works done and why I was terrified for him. I asked what he had done, and he said

"they just checked my back passage and took a blood test"

I was shocked and angry, all I could think of is what a coward he was. I asked,

"did they not do a swab?"

he answered

"Yes, of my back passage, if you've got anything then you've got it and it will show up wherever they take a sample, let's just put it behind us and enjoy this weekend"

But I thought what about the regular STI's the not so fatal ones, they start in the contracted area and then spread. It was the most pathetic logic I had heard from a man of his age. I bit my lip and kept my thoughts to myself I was so angry.

I left him to go to work and waited for his text to inform me of his results. I had been feeling ill towards the end of the week as a side effect of the medication and hoped he would tell me the truth when he got his results.

Dave did text that afternoon saying everything came back fine and that he was OK. I was slightly relieved ut there was something that stopped me believing him. The next morning, I got myself ready and ventued back to the GUM clinic with my medication in my bag, just in case he was telling the truth. I had to wait a while but I was still taken into the little room where I asked if I could come off the medication as my friend had apparently had the all clear. Once they came back with the results she sat looking at the computer screen with no expression to read on her face... I could not even predict the news. She then chirped up and said 

"Yes your friend is fine, you can come off the Pep now"

I waltzed out of there feeling refreshed, I left the Pep with her. On my way out I grabbed a handful of condoms and made my way home. At least all I need to worry about is where we are going to go for the weekend.

What Lies Beneath

It is said that a person needs to want to help themselves before anyone else can help. I had no one, literally no one to talk to about this. I was aware of my position and I did want to get out but I had no one to snap me out of it, I was hooked. Time and time time again I had got myself out of situations that became heavy, even if I cared deeply about one or two of them, I could not take the claustrophobia that the concept of relationships brought.
Somehow I had found myself at my weakest, longing for a concrete answer from someone just letting me know if I was wasting my time or not, instead of all the push and pull I was getting but still, like a fool I was hanging around for my answer or sign and going along with things until I found my awakening... As if I had not been enlightened enough!
Myself and Dave went through this pattern of him telling his stories, me semi believing him (until inevitably being proven otherwise) and then his actions would contradict his words and then I would realise that I was right all along! But still stuck around like a lap dog and Dave was clearly aware of this but used it to his advantage as he kept on with the same pattern. Time after Time I had thought, give the guy the benefit of the doubt but then why say things if you clearly do not mean them? Unless you have a motive or an agenda? There is no point saying things that are meaningless and without an outcome. So there were two options: stick around until things are proven or get the hell out now while you still have a shred of dignity.
Me and Dave had been talking about going away together, we had not fully discussed where or when but it gradually grew into an actual event...eventually.
We agreed that we would go away on the weekend of my birthday but we were still undecided on where we was going to go, it was left for me to decide but the only places in England that I had been to had something going for them as I had travelled places to look at universities and also been around for nights out etc. I did not want to pick somewhere and it turn out to be dull.
I did look; I considered London, Edinburgh, York and Chester. Dave did help a little with narrowing it down to York and Chester as London and Edinburgh were apparently too far... so Chester or York would have to do.
Dave himself would be taking another break away in between now and then, this time in Norfolk for a long weekend, the time apart was short but it did me some good not being in that situation for a bit. On Dave's return, I decided that I will sit down and probe him until I get my answer from the horses mouth...so to speak.
We had watched a film and I had decided to keep quiet during so after our bedtime activities, in the dark, I asked him

Myself: "so what is going on here?"

Dave: "what do you mean?"

Dave seemed to try and find out the other person's intentions and then base his answer according to whatever response HE received

Myself:  "I missed you when you were away, I haven't slept with anyone else since seeing you and I didn't feel the urge while you were away"

Dave: "Me neither"

Dave could never think of an answer of his own on this matter, it was usually something in agreeance to what I had originally said to him and his  "Me neither" was a perfect example of that.
I then started to try and give him an opportunity to confess without actually confessing to actual events; all I needed was something that let me know we weren't exclusive and that would have been fine as I had already been driving myself crazy to the point that all I now wanted was to be put out of my misery, but all I got was...

"I am not sleeping with any one else"

My response to his bull shit was the reality...

"you say you want a relationship with someone who earns a certain amount, so as I do not meet your financial criteria for a partner then surely you are seeing other people...you are bound to be seeing other people, why would you not if you say you want to meet someone and settle down?"

I think I had hit the nail on the head although he denied it and apparently he had only been flirting with folk but considering how promiscuous gay culture can be, it was obvious what was going on but still it was not made a certainty.
The next day I had got to flirting myself. I figured; why should I put my life on hold for someone like this?
So I got chatting, everyone seemed dull by comparison, so I went in with the approach that all I wanted was to get laid, to ride some big cock, which eventually became my intention.
I came across Ashley, a guy in his 40's, very well built who turned out to be a gym nut and apparently single.
We did not have an in depth conversation really, more about what we were into. We had been talking briefly when we swapped numbers and we kept in touch, we did actually arrange to meet twice but I had cancelled on both occasions due to my feelings for a certain someone who seemed to have a bigger hold on me than anything I had ever encountered and of course because of that... came guilt.
Myself and Ashley did keep in contact though.
The following weekend, I was around Dave's house holding a ladder as he ventured into his attic to clear the crap out of it. I did not mind but it was still inkeeping with the pattern that I was the one who had to actually serve a seperate purpose other than just existing and this meant helping with D.I.Y.
I was slightly irritated by it but I was helping Dave and that meant more to me than my own boredom.
Afterwards we had a drink and a catch up and then I was ushered out as apparently Dave's friend Tony was due to turn up any minute. I had never heard of a Tony before but apparently he was a friend of ten years...it was not a very genuine story and one that was clearly conceived as it was told.
I left Dave's feeling used, He did not care, he had gotten me around to hold a ladder and then off I went just so he could recieve his relief. I did not like the situation and more impotantly did not like who I had become...weak!
After I had left, I left Dave a message saying how good it felt for him to mention Tony and it not feel like a big deal, thirty minutes later...Dave replied

"What do you mean? I can't deal with this. I never know what mood you're going to be in whenever you come over, if you are going to keep acting like this then maybe we should call it a day?"

First of all I was shocked by there actually being something to call a day on, Dave seemed to refer to this set up as a relationship whenever it suit him i.e. when I needed manipulating into being his lapdog. I said that it felt like a relief to not read into it when he mentioned his friends name, as I clearly did not mention the obvious and he threw it right back i my face. I explained as much as I could and he calmed down, we still however both knew the truth.
When I returned home, I pondered on how I could push this man right out of my brain, there was not going to be an easy way, I guess when you spend enough time with someone, no person can be completely forgotten as things such as occasions, mannerisms, songs, or just something like a colour even, the slightest thing that may have been the smallest token of something that was shared with another can pop up and with that comes the memory of someone. Then just as I sat and thought, my phone went. It was Ashley, asking if I would like to go for a drink and just like that I responded.

Easier Said Than Done

Dealing with my new found knowledge, I was feeling depleted. I had carried on visiting Dave because I was too weak to prise myself apart completely. I was torn between my morals and my emotions, I had literally sold my soul to the devil i.e. found myself caught in my emotions and I wanted my strength back. Here was a guy who was making up feelings and emotions of his own, because he thought I was stupid enough to believe it and be reeled in each and every time someone else bailed on him.
Now I was in the know, but I still could not walk away. I desperately wanted him to tell me the truth and then we can both get on with our lives but that was never going to be the case, he kept on lying and I kept on coming back for more.
I come to thinking about the earlier days of this Saga, that was a man who seemed to care and seemed to have me hooked but now I felt bound to someone who could not care less, whether I was around or not. One way of looking at this would be to write it off as a one night stand that has been one big lie all along therefore himself and his antics would not matter...that was the logic (and reality) of it but I was very foolishly being ruled by my heart. I remembered a time when being ruled by my heart was a good thing; it had caused me to get a job at 16, go to college and study something I was interested in and then on to university to progress that interest but now all it was bringing me was shame and hatred and that was not the person that I was, especially when I followed this so called heart.
I believed there was some interest there and I wanted that time back, so I decided to stick around a bit longer to see.
In the beginning,  post first night, I had been genuine, I did not feel I had to be anything other than myself nor did I feel I had to analyse every action and every word to sum him up in order to act a certain way to make us get on. I was real, I was myself. Now I had found the answer that I was never going to get from him I did not know what to do, in my head I was screaming

"Walk away!" 

"Leave him to his profile sites!"

I could not do it, not off my own back, for I was scared of the possibility that there may be that chance that I threw away just to save face. So the intention was to work my arse off; compress my feelings and just go along with everything. This was easier said than done.
After two weeks of giving my 'pokerface' a bloody good go, I was actually getting better, at the face front value thing, however it was when we parted that my mind went into overdrive. Every little thing he said and did while I was in his company was going through my mind as though it was scanning for answers. His body language, his tone of voice, constantly looking at his phone with no expression on his face; surely if the text message he was reading was that of a touching moment let's say should it be funny or a nice comment from a friend or whatever then it would be there in his expression, he had showcased it before and sometimes explained or shown me what was having an effect on him. It was these moments that I could feel comfortable with, but it was when he shown no reaction especially to missed calls or text messages that was making me wonder. I would be lying in the dark or walking home the next morning analysing everything that was out of character and it would drive me crazy, I wanted putting out of my misery and just being told the truth complete with a bottom line instead of 'If', ' But' and 'maybe'. The comments of not being worthy of oxygen such as the continuous £40,000 a year comment, the constant indifference to my existence was all becoming clear...any hole is a goal with this guy and I was the seat filler, I had come to the conclusion before, as a hunch, but it rang true now more than ever before.

The end of a mind numbing week not due to work, I was invited around again on the Sunday. Dave had said that he would be going for a drink with a 'friend' and that he would inform me when was best to come over. I did ponder on whether or not I should go over? what would be the point? I would be there for the company and he had made it clear that I was not suitable for that as I did not earn enough. I figured I should find myself something else to do with my evening instead of sitting around and waiting to be cancelled on, chances are that by the time they finish, it will be too late and I will have done nothing but watch the clock all evening. I did however, shortly after deciding not to wait around, receive a text message asking me to join them at one of the pubs they had found themselves in, I was confused as I had assumed that he was slagging it with a purchase of his favourite website, I probed a bit in order to find out why I was being invited and it turned out that he was with a friend, just like he said... So I got myself ready and made my way over. I had called asking where the place was but I got no response, he did text me the road but not how to get there and I was confused, I thought I would try to look for it, which turned out to be me walking around aimlessly in search for this mystical pub, maybe it was in some realm that only people within a certain wage bracket let's say of a minimum of £40,000p.a. could only pass through the vortex?

but still in reality I could not find it, I walked pretty much all around the city as well as the surrounding areas but I could still not find anything and I had still not received any directions from Dave, maybe he had someone around his house while I was sent on a wild goose chase over town.

 Whatever he may have been doing, I was still falling in this state of weakness that I feared, so I decided to go home and as I gave up and turned around I received a message

"I'm home now if you still want to come over"

and just like that I did.

Dave was in bed when I got there, he smelt as though he had been drinking, but seemed fairly sober with his conversation. That was until he started running his mouth again

"would you like to go away? just the two of us?"

I was tired of this and found myself too exhausted to give a genuine answer so I found myself saying yes. Of course I was going to say yes, I did want to and it kept things light, I also wanted to say no and quiz him on what he thought he was playing at. The bollocks I had been given in the beginning about only having three chances and yet I had given him twice that at least so why can I not find the strength to walk away?

The following week, I was galloping over to Dave's like the little lapdog I had become only to be greeted with D.I.Y. I had found it nice to do with him before but I was basically there just for that! I was given job after job and told how to do things right down to the finest detail as though I was a complete idiot and even then there was something silly that he did not agree with, as though he was looking for something that he could find wrong and he managed to always find something pathetic to moan about. I felt stripped of confidence to do the job and I even asked

"if I'm doing it wrong then what was the point of asking me around to do it?"

my response was just a stare as though he suffered from some form of social Autism until then...he found some words...

"I'm not talking down to you, I'm just telling you the best way to do it"

whether or not that was his intention, he did not know how to speak to people, he clearly thought he did but he actually did not, my response:

"That is how you are speaking to me"

So the D.I.Y. Disco carried on and what a ball it was and such a ball that I was greeted with more jobs the following morning, such as sanding down doors and wire brushing the wall outside to remove the marks from the vines. Do not get me wrong, I liked helping him, he had helped me before so I felt like I wanted to help but now it had become as though I was being used for shitty little D.I.Y. jobs, he would go out with friends and god knows who and what else but when it came to seeing me it was the D.I.Y. day...FUN! The pattern had formed to the point that he was stupid himself for thinking that I could not see it. The next night I stopped over, we were at it again...D.I.Y. that is, which this time was short but definitely not sweet. We were then treated to the desert of the D.I.Y. which was television, clearly I may as well not have been there, we were not engaged in each other and it had become mind numbing, he was getting short tempered with me, I was getting short tempered with me at still being there, at least we both had that in common...

When we went to bed that night, he claimed to be tired which was also becoming a common occurrence, why the hell can I not tear myself away from this man?

I tried taking it into my own hands and rolled onto him, he asked me to chew his foreskin...

I paused, the photo's from his phone flashed through my mind and suddenly I was not interested in the act of performance both in bed and the whole one man show of "I'm not in love with you".

I carried on until he came and I rolled over, turning away, he moved towards me and wrapped his arms around me and I felt dirty. I felt dirty because of the bedroom situation and because my morals seemed to have just died.