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As time was passing and I was enjoying my new found freedom of not analysing everything, things felt as though they were going OK, my relationship with Dave was distant without rubbish, sugar coated crap he usually spouted, I was having fun with a guy who at the time felt was worth having fun with even if he could not stop telling lies, he was easy to shut up off from.
I was never a 'people person' when it came to intimacy; arms length was about as far as folk would get unless it was a one night thing in which case they would even further and that way of thinking was finally returning back to me. However it was the bull shit that was being spouted that was starting to piss me off, both Dave and Ashley were trying me with their lies and their apparent caring ways towards me...it was now old hat and I was getting very intolerant with it, in the same way when a friend who has just multiplied and will not shut up about their god damn baby or an old person that you are stuck behind and the will not move. The speech was being spouted, they both thought I was stupid. But by now it was clear that they are false people and I had learnt that I was not willing to involve myself with their crap...it made me quite angry. These two men were feeling like burdens, it was as though they had actually met and arranged how to work me, which the two actually meeting was just as obvious as their lies, I chose not to confront the topic as they would just deal with the matter in their usual way...lie and answer with "no". It was too easy for them so why would they not meet.
So I kept myself separated, when I was with them, I would shut off and not listen, just like they did. It was liberating, I was finally free, they were to me exactly what I was to them.
I did however prioritise Ashley more as Dave had actually proven that my company was not welcome unless Dave had a certain itch that needed scratching...as his last result, it was better that way.
Towards the end of the week, Ashley had asked, during the usual 2.30 rendezvous, if I would go for a drink with him. So I agreed, again I took cash out with me and we shared the rounds. We had a decent time, we spoke about our days and we joked, Ashley spouted more and more nonsense about his so called feelings and then we returned back to mine, alone again so Ashley carried on with his carry on

"OOOH! I do feel a lot for you! I shouldn't but I do!"

I could never look a person in the eye unless I was serious about something and I could not even look in the direction of this clown's face right now, so Ashley being Ashley thought that dragging me to the bedroom would be him showing his feelings, personally I did not care about him showing anything other than contributing to a decent time. Now usually Ashley never lasted long in the bedroom, it seemed to be a pattern with certain men mentioned; they would jump on the saddle, right the pony however they thought was best and then as soon as they were done, they were done and no one else mattered. So whilst in the midst of things and trying to angle myself in the correct way in which to feel the slightest effect of Ashley's poor attempt of 'manhood'... Ashley reached his climax. He was out of breath and spent up therefore it was time to leave. He peeled his sweaty body off of mine, slithered back into his clothes and then leaving the used contraception on the floor we said our goodnight. I was about to go to bed after I had locked him out but something made me want to watch him drive away, so I stood at the window and waited. The lights went up, the car reversed out of it's space, pulled up to the entrance of the car park and then instead of turning left in which to go home, Ashley turned right, I waited ten minutes in case he had gone to the petrol station down the road but forty five minutes later he had not passed by. I turned around to the now messy bedroom, I went to dispose of the contraception to find that there was actually no deposit left. It did not take a Harvard student to work out exactly what Ashley was playing at. I decided I was not going to analyse and so I went to bed.
The next morning I called Liam,

"Oh babe, I'm on someones balcony smoking a fag int'I?!"  

he proclaimed

"This babe needs to get her skates on and make her way back home

before she disgraces herself even further"

I asked why Liam's night had become so tragic,

"Well, I bumped into him in the bogs at Blush and I thought 'that babes staring at me' and so I look again and I thought 'oh he's only bloody giving me the eye ain't he!'"

The subject had in fact followed Liam into the toilets without actually needing the facilities in order to get Liam's attention. His name was Chris, he was a 23 year old receptionist trapped in an 18 year old Emo's body, apparently no one understood him. He apparently was quite the gentleman and bought Liam a drink o his choice which was a snakebite and black, at the time 'a guy after Liam's own heart' and they danced the night away to all the gay classics, it was the closest Liam had ever been to "true romance"

"That's your idea of romance?"

I cried rather concerned for Liam. To which he followed on with

"Oh babe, he had it all, nice clothes, nice eyes, nice apartment with a buzzer and everything! Definitely one to take home to mother he was, I tell you not a lie!"

myself becoming intrigued, I spurred Liam on to finish and he did not hesitate

"Well as you have made yourself perfectly clear babe that this one ain't that fussy when it comes to her men, well babe you are gonna have a fucking field day, I tell you not a lie!"

I thought it may be in his true style and end up with some gory detail about genitalia but this time Liam had managed to shock.

"Through his shirt he looked well built so I wanted to get under that quicker than what my knickers would come flying off. So I went to pull it and he declined, he wanted to rip my clothes off to his lil' hearts content, he did, but I just was not allowed to take his shirt off. I asked what was up and so he took his shirt off...he only had a catheter underneath dint he babe. Well I did not know what to do and as this babe ain't been fucked in too long I thought...why not babe, why not?! So I did."

Once I regained composure I asked

"So you seeing him again then!"

Liam truthfully replied

"no, he was embarrassed and he was all weird with me and stuff this morning"

I begun to tell him about my night with Ashley complete with ending, to which Liam said

"oh babe at least you know now"

It was true, in Liam's experience of knowing me, I was very dismissive with people, minus Dave, so he expected me to be the same as I ever was with Ashley. I did not need to ponder on this little man. I hardly knew the guy so why on earth was I wasting my time with it, besides, Dave had text me demanding I provide my services over at his that night.

That day myself and Ashley had arranged a night in, I figured he seemed to be around too much just lately for this to stay casual and so when he turned up at my door right on 2.30pm, I told him I was feeling under the weather. I tried to make out I was disappointed with feeling ill and said if I sleep I may feel better by that night, I had not planned what to do if he had agreed with that theory.

He said

"I tell you what, let's forget tonight, it is much better for you to stay in and get better instead of going out and making yourself worse"

I agreed and as soon as he left to attend whatever his back up plans were, I got myself ready to venture over to Dave's. I did feel slightly bad about my little act but I feel I had learnt something from these two compulsive liars; the opportunity for it and how to not get found out. However, I have never been a good liar in the past and I have always preferred to just tell people the truth as oppose to tip toeing around people's feelings because then no one is happy, should you in a position with someone when one does not feel the same as the other, then I find it best to make the person aware of that situation so then that way something can be sorted. In this occasion, I was sticking to the 'treat people as you wish to be treated' and I was treating said people in the only way I knew how to deal with them.

That night, myself and Dave were lay watching TV, not exactly exciting but then we were only keeping each other around for one reason in particular, I was feeling slightly bored, I did wonder if Dave's intention was to bore me to tears so I never bothered coming over but considering my reasons for being there, I could have been called over, done the deed and left. He could then watch all the mind numbing entertainment he wanted, I have not watched TV for two years, I do not miss it.

Just then my phone went, I looked and it was a text message from Ashley

"Hello sweetie, just checking that you are feeling OK?

Miss you! xxx"

My first instinct was to feel guilty, but I repressed it. I was not about to let myself be the weaker party, so I ignored it. However that did not work. Ashley then decided to call, I did not answer. Ashley did not respond well to being on the receiving end of his own actions, I then received another text message from Ashley

"Where are you? Who are you with?"

It was none of his business but I felt I should maybe call him, so I slipped away to the toilet to find he had turned his phone off. So I used the toilet, went back downstairs and thought no more of it. If this man can let rubbish fly out of his mouth, still see whoever he wants and try and manipulate me into a niche then he is clearly deluded. So now it was beyond my control, he was sulking so there was nothing left for me to do but let him cool down and review his behaviour. Whether or not he did this was up to him, I was just going along with things. At this time it was beginning to seem, now proven, that the older gay men get, the more immature they become. It may be the same with straight men, I do not know. But gay men, in my experience with certain folk showcase this theory, I doubt it is the case with everyone. However when such a thing is confronted, the trait is often turned around and it is the accuser who is then the childish one. I have found on this occastion to just humor then and agree that maybe sometimes or this time that they may be right. They love it. It is weird how older gay gentlemen...no wait older people both men and women have such a huge complex over being branded childish and yet when they are confronted with being branded this, they showcase the evidence even more with their need to redeem themselves. This is because they no longer need to take themselves seriously so subconciously they adopt this juvenile behaviour yet explode like a teenager when confronted with it. Not everyone but certain people in particular, most older men can be charming.

So naturally I was becoming exhausted, I was dividing myself between these two men, unsure why, it's always good to have regular 'friends' but I was squeezing in dates with new folk in between and then for some unknown reason, lying my arse off to Ashley to spare his feelings that he was lying about in the first place anyway.

The next day, after racing back to mine that morning, I changed into shorts and a T shirt to seem as though I had not left, ready for 2.30.

When Ashley turned up, he was none the wiser.

"are you feeling any better?"

I answered

"Yes thank you, are you?"

I glared at him waiting for my answer to which he nobly responded

"Yes, I'm sorry about last night, I got a bit wound up as I thought you may be with someone else."

I felt guilty, I should not have, I know but I did. I was not this person, I had become this person due to surrounding myself with this breed of people. So I asked

"I guess it's none of my business and you can tell me to mind my own but the other night when you left, where did you go?"

pausing and searching for something to pop into his head Ashley looked me in the eye and quickly pleaded

"Nowhere ,I went home"

as soon as the answer entered his head, it was flying out of his mouth and he was at least trying to look earnest about it. So I reasoned

"You went in the opposite direction at about 1am and when I cleared up here, you had not reached the peak you claimed to have and then you have the nerve to call me and come over all pathetic when I do not answer the phone?"

he pleaded further

"Oh, I did go home, I just went another way why can't you just believe me?"

I said

"because Belief is based on something, and all I have is what I saw and now your shitty excuse for it, yet you come here and spout all manor of crap about how you feel and how much you think about me like some big Wendy! We don't even need to be having this conversation but you insist on playing these games, I spent the past year playing games with someone who thought they were a bigger force than nature so do not try your crap with me"

and there staring right back at me was a blank, vacant face...and then Ashley started to cry. He turned away and branded me

"Bastard!"

I felt bad at the possibility that these may not be crocodile tears but then that would be playing right into his hands. So instead, I stood frozen and waited for the show to end. I told him

"It's none of my business where you went but I was pissed off that you became this mardy little girl when I did not respond to you"

Ashley became calm very quickly as he looked up, it was all an act. I did not believe it, he knew I did not believe it but he kept on apologising and reasoning with

"I'm sorry about that, it's because I do care a lot about you, you know."

He was not going to snap out of it, maybe being a liar was in his Genes. He was not quite ready for the stage but if it was genetic then I hope that at least he made parents proud.

Once Bitten...?

After having the 'scarlett letter' burnt into my forehead, I decided to give Ashley a wide berth. It was only just supposed to be a one night thing but he had dragged it out to two extra meets. I remained polite and responded to his attempts of contact but he seemed to claw his way into my day to day life with his constant calls, text messages and not to mention the obvious...turning up at my door every day at 2.30.
I did not grasp, what Ashley's intentions were exactly, but I did realise that in my mind he came across as being full of 'bull shit', especially with his 'I love you' and 'I have never felt like this about anyone before'. It was of course transparent, I figured there was no harm in a little fun so I did let him come over at 2.30 which then became 2.30 every day and then sometimes, when arranged, going out in the evening. In my mind, this was all OK while kept light, Ashley did was not genuine so it did not matter if we never saw each other ever again. However, the following week, my washing machine broke, there were sparks flying from underneath it. I was telling Ashley about it when he came over that day. Ashley's answer to the problem was,

"I will buy you a new washing machine"

naturally I refused

"I will buy MYSELF a new washing machine"

but he insisted

"we will go this weekend and get you one"

Ashley had this desperate urge to try and come across assertive, he failed miserably, maybe had he not let any financial security rob him of a soul he could have took up some training in assertiveness as he claimed to be in a managerial role before threw it away. The weekend came and I said that we were going to look for a washing machine to see what my options were, I walked around browsing and he swanned around pretending to be Richard Branson. He recommended the washing machine as apparently he had one by the same company and in his opinion they were reliable. Believing this but still wanting a second opinion, I asked the saleswoman who agreed, it was not overly expensive so she would gain nothing more from the sale as she would had I purchased one that also made breakfast. So I took the recommended washing machine, it's still going strong. Ashley was going through his wallet to pick which golden ticket was to but the washing machine, however more fool him and his one man show of "wealth", I had mine in my hand, I did not take a wallet and supplied the sales woman with my card.

Washing machine aside, I was not fond of Ashley's sales pitch: the premature feelings, the meal, the 'honest' talk of how he came into money and now the attempt to buy a washing machine assuming I came free with it, the faux cash flash was all getting a bit too much. If he wanted to be in such a position with me then he needed to flash a little more than material things, I wanted his personality to outshine all the irrelevant crap, I had been with a girl who I was attracted to based on looks and it did not last past three months of sex so here and now Ashley was playing it all wrong. Could it be possible that this guy lacks personality? Or to reader even further maybe he has such a gruesome personality so he needs to buy people in which to trap his prey? However on the flip side, he did come with me to help pick out a washing machine and at least offer to pay, but he did try to get out of paying for the meal last week and procrastinate when it came to picking a card for the washing machine...here come the questions.

There is a well known saying 'Once bitten, twice as shy', the effect of experience can leave a mark which makes us wary of similar situations in the future based on that experience. Ashley may have been working his arse off to try and get me to see something in him, but it was all too fresh to start throwing caution to the wind especially when I was not interested in material things and that aside another well known saying which is also proven to be true...'Actions speak louder than words'. Some would argue that despite being told on countless occasions about how Ashley apparently felt, they were still only words then some may argue that buying a washing machine is an action, it was not a certifying sign of emotion and still turned out to be just words. So I analysed and asked myself

What did I want?

The washing machine was a necessity, he realised I needed one and came with me and guided me. That was the action that I needed to take note on. He was turning up at my door every single day maybe to see me, maybe to kill time, no matter how I look at it. All that cloudy deluded way of turning something into a positive thing, maybe my only problem at this time could be that he was not Dave.  So I decided to play it slowly, but I needed to pay attention to the doubts in my head.

My thinking may have been irrational but if someone is constantly saying heavy things to e already and also, reading between the lines, showing it in someway in their actions, then I need to make sense of things especially after the last one.

It was still early days with Ashley but it was the same every day, always at 2.30 with the same old lines oh and I was still seeing Dave occasionally, which seemed to rub it in even more that he was a far cry from Dave. I had no Idea what I was going to do.

The following week Ashley came over as usual and asked me if I would like to go to Blackpool with him, I had never been to Blackpool before in my life, when I told him this he seemed shocked

"How can you not have been to Blackpool before?"

so I explained

"'cos my parents loved me too much to take me to there"

He seemed determined to take me now, so that was a box ticked; that he wanted me to experience something that I never had...however the fact that it was Blackpool felt a little degrading but it's bound to be an experience of some sort and then reality hit, I did not know this guy very well, I had my assumptions and he was not exactly mysterious in anyway but I had not yet had perceptions proven right or wrong.

"I'll think about it"

I said, to which he reasoned

"It's just a weekend"

I explained

"It's Blackpool"

from what stories I was being fed, Ashley had clearly been brought up getting his own way and he had not grown out of it; the early retirement, the tantrum he thrown when I did not take him up on his dinner offer at first. To me this was one big baby trapped inside an older man's body. I was no good with children so I needed to treat him as I felt and was pretty sure how I was being treated.

Fast forward two weeks, I had agreed to go to Blackpool with Ashley. It was exactly how I expected it, but there was something quite cosy about it. The cosiness of the place was possibly the fact that no one knew me there, therefore no risk of seeing anyone that I may know.

We stayed at a particular hotel that catered for gay men. It was within the gay area but among houses/flats with a hotel for all kinds of folk near by. It was a place that the openly gay men can go without a care in the world. The rooms were tiny and the decor was like a dentist, there was no TV reception, just porn. It was good while horny, but by the time your horizontal jogging marathon comes to an end several hours later, then it just feels weird. So instead of wallowing in our animalistic urges after being all urged out, we went for a walk. Something to eat, a bit of window shopping, which resulted in me buying myself a nice jacket, back to the hotel for a lie down and a nap and then back off out again for drinks and that was the day we arrived.

The next day we woke had our routine fondle and then headed out for breakfast, breakfast was to be had at a greasy spoon in the town, I forget the name, possibly 'Greasy Spoon'. The place was quaint, I will give it that but when one orders a Latte and still receives just an average Americano, it suddenly hits that this is no "Bright lights, big city" despite being famous for it.

So there we sat in good ol' time warped "Greasy Spoon", and as all the old dears piled in to the point that the "Greasy Spoon " almost became happening, Ashley found that now would be a good time to talk about the day and night before:

"I enjoyed yesterday and getting you drunk last night, you were filthy!"

I corrected

"I was not drunk and there are ladies present"

and then I was corrected

"Oh they can't hear us"

Ashley then looked around as though he maybe doubting the ladies loss of hearing. So I informed him of our situation and our respect to the girl's territory

"still, we don't want chasing out of Blackpool by walking sticks do we?"

The next two days pretty much consisted of the same activities as the day we got there, however on the Sunday, I was dragged to see a drag...act. The madam looked like a stereotype of a lorry driver in a blonde, wonky wig and a tight, gold gown and showing off every unflattering curve while attempting to sing 'And I Am Telling You'. For some reason, Ashley felt that now was a good time to resume rambling about his imaginary feelings and tell me

"I've never met anyone else like you, I care about you a lot"

I could not take this crap anymore, we had had a good weekend and then he goes and nearly spoils it by saying something stupid. I interrupted and tried to accentuate the real reason we were there by referring to the past two nights

"I think I'm getting a bit drunk"

The night was definitely entertaining, however when we returned to the hotel and we just went to sleep. Ashley was determined to act his arse off until I fell for the games, either that or he just preferred me drunk...I decided on the latter.

The next day we saddled up to...venture home, the weekend had come to an end. I had quite enjoyed myself, the company was no different but at least I was settled around him without any need of analysing, the situation was what it was. He was going to keep saying these things and I was going to keep ignoring him, they just did not ring true, I did not feel that he was telling the truth, sure whenever he was in my company it seemed hard for him to keep his hands to himself but that was not an indicator for his feelings. His feelings were not important, we had a fun weekend and that was as far as it was going. I could not grasp why on earth this guy would not give up on the crap, be real and get involved with the fun.

Weight Lifted?

After mine and David's rendezvous, everything felt better, there was no cloudiness, heaviness and no need, at least, for anymore lies, however some habits die hard but it no longer mattered, there was no illusion of intimacy anymore. Nothing had really changed with the way were we around each other but I could now take Dave with a pinch of salt without wanting to believe him as oppose to thinking I should and end up doubting him.
There was no problem except for when one of us got in contact with the other at a time when we arranged dates or random encounters had occurred then we would have to lie which would then cause the awkwardness when certain folks stories fail to add up, like I said old habits die hard. It was because of this notion that I addressed the danger in seeing Dave still. However, I cannot allow myself to be a hypocrite and be bothered by it.
We seemed to speak freely, I no longer cared what he thought of me and how he judged me, I did watch what I said slightly in case of anything causing an argument whenever he had, had a bad day but I think I adapted myself well to the new situation there and then. To Dave, the situation had not changed, I had always been his 'fuck buddy', one that at the time was impressionable and easy to manipulate. Hopefully now there would be no need for it as we were both aware that we were no closer than arms length.
So when I left, I did indeed have a spring in my step. I dd still need to block the guy from my mind just in case any feelings started to take over but while I was in a decent situation with Dave, I wanted to see if we could keep it that way.
On the walk home, I received a call from Liam as if he knew that I was free to talk

"Oh my God! You're up early?! So Babe did do the dirty with Mr. Dave last night then? Is she doing the walk of shame?"

I agreed.

"Well you know him well enough by now to know what you're doing I suppose"

When I returned home, I cleaned, it was not my new therapy session anymore but it did help separate myself from the memory of the night before.

As part of his daily routine, Ashley turned up at 2.30pm for a cup of tea and asked if I wanted to go out for dinner that night, to which I wrongly agreed. The guy had that look in his eye that he was not one to be trusted and I should not be encouraging his lying by agreeing to socialise with him. Ashley had the same probing questions as usual such as where I had been and what I was doing and who with etc. This ritual became very tedious as it was none of his business, I never asked him such probing questions as I knew that it was none of my business, that and not of interest to me. He asked me how I was feeling regarding the Dave situation to which I responded

"I'm fine, what's the point on wasting time pondering over things?"

Ashley said

"It's OK to be upset"

So I dismissed his intentions, agreed and told him

"Yes I know, but I am comfortable not thinking about it and feel that it is best to deal with it in my own way"

to which Ashley spouted

"He's a fool for letting you slip"

Being one of those false/ LA LA Land comments, I disputed

"That's a matter of opinion and I am confident he does not feel the same way"

After Ashley had left, I started to think about why he says the things he said so far, they were all fairly acceptable things but the guy hardly knew me to be in a position to safely make these claims of feelings and as far as he was aware, I was hurting so it was obvious that the guy was taking advantage of the situation that he believed himself to be in as oppose to waiting to see if such things are to be within reach. With my opinion of Ashley in mind, I cancelled on joining him for dinner, Mr. Tac-Tic had decided he was to pretend to not be happy with my decision. Sure everyone is different but if he was a genuine friend who actually wanted to help and also be in my company then maybe he could have at least suggested coming over and staying with me?

Instead this oh-so-swarve man responded in a shockingly childish way;

"OK, enjoy your night with your boyfriend" 

I called to speak with him and explain that I was not a piece of meat ready for the taking, I had already spent the past year being exactly that, however despite wanting to reason, Ashley had sent his little angry Text message and switched his phone off, I let him be.

That was until the next day at 2.30pm when he turned up at my door with his tail between his legs and apologised

"I'm sorry, I got jealous when you cancelled and just saw red. I'm sorry"

The truth be told, I had spent the night in alone but I was not being carried by anyone despite taking him up on his offer and let him take me out for dinner in the first place, it would have been wrong and I would not have felt comfortable. There was no need for jealousy, but I guess that it was all part of a game.

"I am not being carried by anyone, it does not encourage people to stand on their own two feet and also what does that person do when they are no longer being carried? It's pathetic to rely on others, when you don't need to."

He looked shocked, clearly everyone else succumbed to it before me but despite is persistence, I was not willing to sacrifice my soul. He said

"So, if you were out and about with Dave and you saw something you liked, he would not buy it for you?"

He clearly thought that comparing himself to Dave, who he thought at this time was 'the bad guy', would separate them in my opinion of them both, but it was clear that Ashley used money and material things to buy people. I attempted to make myself clear

"No, nor would I expect him to when I can get it for myself"

He felt the need to explain himself further, he needed another notch on his bed post therefore I needed to take the bait.

"Let's say, someone has quite a bit of cash and it's no object to them, say their mother died and left them £100,000? can they not treat someone if they so wish?"

I was not at all fazed, I could tell he wanted me weak to him, but he was not selling himself to me when all he had to offer was money. The man clearly had no soul, no culture, no personality of his own, just money and I found that quite pathetic. I started to feel sorry for this short sighted creature.

"If they wish, but then it is up to the other person whether or not to accept it. Just cos a person has money, they do not rule the world nor those around them, everyone has a mind of their own"

He looked vacant, he was searching for other ways to sell himself but was clearly failing to do so, he had attempted the only thing that he could and that was money.

Later that week myself and Ashley had arranged to go out for dinner, I took cash with me just in case he attempted to try and buy me again. Ashley took me to some place out of town, some fairly decent restaurant. It was a calm elegant place, no marble walls, no platinum water feature spurting champagne instead of Evian. It was nice, albeit beige, complete with pathetic art on the walls but it was busy yet calm, the kind of place where the pretentious community flock so they can deem themselves 'down-to-Earth' or 'grounded' as though suggesting such claims does not contradict that in the first place. The tables were all set perfectly but we had to sit in the corner, out of the way. This was my first time in a restaurant with a gay man at a 'table for two' and I failed to see how other folk would see us as there are quite a few reasons as to why two men would be sat in a restaurant together, however, two men sat in the corner, away from everyone else suggests exactly what it was...sleazy.

After we ordered from our tiny corner, Ashley found the need to confide in me over irrelevant matters that were none of my business

"I need to tell you something, I have never felt like this about anyone and I feel I be honest with you.

I won the lottery about five years ago, I won about £750,000. I do not work, I am a volunteer for the disabled"

It was the gay equivalent to when straight men claim to have a sensitive side with the usual case of the close relationship with their mothers or being a good father figure. I saw through the claim the moment it left his lips and it was quite ignorant how gullible he thought I was to the point that he was just as gullible for believing his perception of me. So trying to find some inspiration in his attempt to sell himself to me, I humoured him

"So have you invested some of your money or has it just been taken for granted?"

to which he responded,

"yes, I let out my parents old house"

so then I changed the subject, not completely, I wanted to see if the guy actually had a soul once upon a time and asked

"Why did you give up work?"

To which he responded

"I took early retirement"

as the guy left me to believe that he gave up work just so he could rub his hands together, I stopped showing an interest.

At the end of the meal, Ashley suggested asking for the bill, then he would go to get something out of the car as I went to the toilet where I would climb out of the window and jump in the car and we would leave without paying. However being a lot easier said than done, not realising if he was being serious and on top of everything else not wanting to risk being left to face the consequences of being caught, I said

"No! You're bullshitting aren't you?! I can pay if you like"

not wanting to be the 'little woman' Ashley became all defencive as though he had something to prove and therefore insisted on paying every penny.

After dinner, we ventured back to my place. I had no intention of sleeping with him that night based on what I had just witnessed of his behaviour and the need to sell himself to me in such a cheap way. As we pulled up at my place, Ashley insisted that he wanted to come in and at least have a moment alone with me, where he said he could hold me, I very stupidly agreed. However once inside, Ashley did only hug me, he gripped me so tight and I could feel that he wanted to go further, we could have done, we had before, so I do not know why he adopted all the soppy pretence. Just then he turned me around against the door, gripping my hands, sliding his fingers in between mine and sliding my hands up the door so that my arms were straight and then started to kiss my neck. Ashley then moved his arms down and his hands managed to find their way to unzip my trousers, he turned me around and then pushed me into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. I figured that I had suffered his banter over dinner so it was the least he could have done and I was in need of it.

Intense Healing

The sound of the clock was ticking louder and louder, the more I became adapted to the silence, the louder the sound of the clock became. It was very over dramatic but I thought what is my existance now? I had been repressing my feelings towards the situation that I had found myself and now I had to kill that persona that I had become and by that I mean remember all the bad points of myself and by THAT I mean the weakness. This was not who I was, I had apparently been very cold with people before and very awkward to 'be with' and now as though an act of Karma or maybe a wall for my defence mechanism, I had become the weak due to being 'in touch' with an emotion.
An emotion is very easily phased out, we are all going to suffer from some form of heartbreak no matter how tough we try/pretend to be but it is that, but it is very clear that we use our experience of such turmoil, that an event can cause to ourselves, for the positive and attempt to grow. There is no point wasting more time than one already has to mourn something. My way of dealing with such stuff was to cut all ties and occupy the mind with other things, but nothing to out of the ordinary as then when it comes down to the normal not-so-occupying moments, it will all come screaming back and that's when we become desperately dependant of other forms of escapism such as other people, drugs, alcohol or other possible addictions.
I had taken the typical route that I always enjoyed and surrounded myself with my own company and repressed any feeling I had for Dave right there as that was where the route of the problem lay...myself.  At least that way, whenever I was alone and the memories start to creep into my consciousness, I would be completely desensitised to the pain that it would have brought if I substituted it with something else. For me this felt far more healthier to get my head around it on my own, for I had ignored my better judgement and listened to and sort of fell for everything this guy was telling me just to be proven right. Therefore my lesson was to block out any false hope crap that friends are renowned for spouting such as the same old Cliches: 

"They don't deserve you",

"You're too good for them",

"You'll find someone better"

and

"They are going to die alone"

it is these grenades that lead to self destruction because life does not work like that. I could not let these things even be said around me as it would just sent me backwards instead of forwards.

I needed everything stripped, I needed to stick to what everything was in my head and not what I had been lead to believe. I knew it was not a relationship and yet I was constantly confronted with it being dressed up as just that whenever I was backed into a corner and expected to succumb, therefore I needed to blockout any distortions that had been put there to cloud my better judgement in the first place and just stick to what I thought. What I know and that was that this was never a relationship and was never going to be a relationship. The sooner I did this, the easier it became. Everything became clear without the diversion of manipulation, it felt how I imagine a cleansing baptism to feel, however the sins being washed away here is letting manipulation cloud my judgement.

So I made sure I kept myself busy so I did not ponder too much and met my friend Liam at the food court above our local shopping centre, this was a place where we could meet and not fight over where to eat as there are food outlets as far as the eye can see. So there over my 'authentic' carbanara and Liam's Kentucky Fried vegetable option, I vented and Liam listened, no false hope wisdom no woman scorned chanting just letting all the bad blood seep out with the one hope of a clean page at the end.

After the food, we took a long walk to do some window retail therapy where Liam started to tell me of his current woes. After Liam had his drunken midlife crisis all those months ago about moving back home, he changed his mind, stayed and moved in with his ex-boyfriend, Rhys and also in separate rooms.

Liam had told me that he was glad that they had remained friends up until the point that Liam's Face had been rubbed into Rhys' sex life:

"I always ask if he can let me know when he is sacrificing virgins beforehand, so I can make sure I'm out the house and usually he does, but he keeps bringing home his new chew-toy and all of a sudden I am no longer informed and I find myself walking in from work and can hear them at it"

I decided to state the obvious:

"well, had you lived with me as planned, you wouldn't have to put up with it"

to which Liam responded

"Oh babe! I would have had to put up with old men coming out the door as I'm walking in though wouldn't I?!"

so again I stated the obvious

"No, cos had we lived together, I probably would not have told you"

After the walk and a very lucky belated Egg Nogg Latte later, I invited Liam over for Coffee, it was probably a sub conscious attempt to not be alone but I had spent enough time alone to be able to deal with the difference between my own company and the company of others and not need to depend on company. 

Just as myself and Liam were relaxed with our drinks, there was a knock at the door. I was not expecting anyone and figured that I would ignore it as I do not answer the door to unwanted/unexpected guests. I crept to the door as they refused to stop knocking, expecting it to be a Jehovah's Witness, I opened the door with my "no thanks" spiel and there stood Ashley, I had kept Ashley updated with what had happened and Ashley had shown quite a lot of interest, in fact Ashley shown interest in anyone I mentioned that happened to be gay... such as

"How old are they?",

"Where abouts do they live?"

"Which site are they on?"

and

"How do you know them?"

It was so transparent that I already accepted the idea that Ashley would go sniffing around Dave as a certainty. Ashley had that 'creepy old pervert' look about him, kind of how I imagined a rapist or a paedophile, he tried so hard to be swarve and slick with things but it was crystal clear what the intention was behind all of his actions.

Once Ashley had wormed his way in, we ventured through to the living room. Ashely then thanked Liam for being 'there for me', this shocked me: What business was it of Ashley's? If Liam wanted to 'be there' then he was surely doing it as a friend.

After feeling like a third wheels in my own own living room, I moved to my breakfast bar, Ashley followed me and stood next to me and started to rub my hand, I have no idea what he thought he was going to achieve from this, I did not find it consoling. All I knew was that I am not falling weak to this while he thinks I may be vulnerable.

After Ashley left, myself and Liam sat watching Television when I received a text message, the message was from Dave

"Hi, how you keeping? Would you like to go for a drink at the weekend"

I was not in the mood to deal with it, so I ignored it and enjoyed the rest of the evening thinking about not thinking about Dave.

For the rest of the week, Ashley had been popping over every day at around 2.30pm. Ashley had been quite open about his apparent feelings for me and had once told me he was seeing some married guy, this was before the Dave breakaway. Ashley had shown some week moments for example, he cried once when Dave had left a mark on my neck, I had assumed they were crocodile tears as Ashley came across as a bit of a liar. However, with him popping over constantly like this was not in his character. He had been checking up on me with calls and asking how I was when he came around, as though I was on suicide watch or something. But one day in particular, on the Thursday, Ashley had decided to give another line a try. As I went to the door as part of what was becoming a ritual, Ashley was all starry eyed, he would not stop staring. I tried to pick conversation and he did seem engaged in what we spoke about, I spoke about what I had been up to in the 24 hour gap since we last saw each other and he would ask if Dave had contacted me and then as I had had enough with the awkward stare, I asked why he kept staring at me that way, he then said

"Nothing...Oh it doesn't matter. Ignore me, I'm just being silly"

my first thought was

"yes you are!"

Because of the whole 'Dave saga', this man thought I was easy prey and was trying to find the right buttons, but whether or not he would find them, it was definitely not the right time.

So as the social event came to an end for the day, we said our goodbye's and I let him out. Within seconds of Ashley leaving, my phone went:

"I have never felt this way about anyone"

and immediately seeing through Ashley's intentions, I replied to Dave:

"Yes, I will meet you for a drink, is Sunday OK?"

Despite my woman scorned approach to divert myself from what was going on with Dave, I feared that if Ashley should say something that manages to penetrate, the vulnerability would take over and pollute my mind a bit like oil being poured into the ocean. So I decided to see what can be salvaged with Dave.

As the Sunday drew closer, I started to think about what me and Dave was going to do. What were we expecting to get out of this? What was going to happen?

I figured that as soon as it was time to go home, we would and there we would go alone.

So, on the arrival of that Sunday, myself and Liam had been for a walk around the town as Liam wanted to do some more window shopping and then it was back to mine for a coffee. We spoke of my intention for the night. I had come to the conclusion that a relationship with Dave was impossible, especially after knowing how he lies; there would never be any trust as people never change...Fact!

I decided that I needed an outcome, I agreed to remain nonchalant; converse about the week and

"...to not sleep with Dave"

Liam agreed that would be a good idea.

After coffee, myself and Liam set about leaving, I had decided to go for a Brandon Flowers look: Blue pinstripe blazer, a deep green t-shirt (not conforming), black skinny jeans and Cowboy boots. I did not think what I wore would bring any profound achievement but it was there for some attempt for confidence...it did not really work.

Me and Liam walked down to the town centre and stood waiting around where all the bars were all lined up, I figured that we would be venturing down this 'strip' therefore I suggested we start at one side of The Mile to work our way in some direction in order to create some 'Dutch courage' in case either one wanted to lift the veil and actually talk.

So there we stood, waiting, I contemplated the fact that he may not actually turn up. But then I remembered, he would not do that as then the blame would be at his door and Dave always made sure that never happened. I thought that maybe he suggested meeting at the actual place... so I checked the messages and there was no rendezvous venue. Liam said

"What are you going to do if he doesn't turn up?"

I said

"I don't know, go home?"

not being the answer Liam was trying to get me to realise, he said

"Obviously I meant what are you going to do with yourself, regarding this situation?"

I could have said that I would let it slide, but we would have both knew it was a lie. So instead, I still said

"I don't know"

Just as we realise I had no alternative outcome, Dave appeared, all smiles. So off Liam galloped.

I went across to Dave like the lap dog I was and off we went to the bar of the same name.

Once sat down with drinks, in a corner and alone, it was awkward. Dave asked how I was and how I had been, I had suddenly attempted fake...at least that way we would be on the same page. I said I was fine, returned the question and then acted my arse of for about and hour and a half. That was until we reached the next bar. We sat talking as though a friendship would be effortlessly achievable and then I could not act anymore and there I sat reeling everything off that I could not add up in my head. I asked and he answered and still the stories did not equal out into a decent answer. I asked about pretty much everything that had plagued me over the last eight months such as him mentioning living together at a ridiculously early stage, I asked about the money comment and the why he has lied about feeling when we could have kept things light the whole time. However my intentions were still ignored, instead of granting me the decency of honest answers, Dave knew there and then that it was only me that was actually going through this, he was fine and would remain fine as he felt nothing all along and would continue to do so, therefore friendship, for him could be tolerable.

As I pleaded for an answer or a bottom line in only the third bar of our journey, the lights went up, it was now home time. As we walked , Dave fed me his fairytale spiel about what he felt and what was right, about no matter how much he felt it is what is important at the end of the day. It was all a big story to keep me quiet, one of those impossible things that I would feel OK and keep quiet just as long as I knew he was hurt as well...NO. Instead I had accepted that he had felt nothing, I just wanted to know why he had to carry it on with lies when so many others were sniffing around.

As we walked, Dave pretended to pour out his heart with his faux emotions. As we got to each of the four turnings in which we were to part, I said I would walk up to the next one with him, Dave saying that

"I could rip your clothes off right now if I could"

which he knew he could, I did not respond as I did not want to be the cause of it but as we approached the forth and final turning Dave said

"if you want to come back for a drink so we can talk some more, you can" 

slightly unsure of whether he actually meant a drink and then sleep, I justified

"I would like us to talk a bit more about this"

when we got in, we stood in the kitchen like strangers, I was not going to make the first move, I stood talking with him and he moved nearer, right up to my body, looked me in the eye and kissed me and then the fire in me was wild, I kissed him back and gripped him tight to my body.

There was one glass of water before Dave said

"shall we go up to bed?"

I agreed and asked

"where am I sleeping?"

Dave was stood in the doorway of his bedroom, smiled and said

"in here of course"

and in I went.

Repression Is The Best Medicine - The Second Dose

...As Dave opened the door, he smiled and said

"Hello, come in"

The nerves had gone, I did not feel nervous, I felt angry at Dave for inviting me over as he clearly had not a care about any of what was going on and once again at myself.  Why am I still coming back?. Dave had the courtesy to wait until I was inside with the door closed to ask

"How are you?"

I said:

"I'm OK, I wasn't! but I'm OK"

I tried to calm down but I just saw red

"why have you asked me around David? Seriously? What is it going to achieve? Will it ease your conscience for us to be friends? Cos I doubt that you actually have one!"

since I was already losing the argument due to volume level, Dave tried to take control

"Oh you know what, if you're going to be like this then you may as well go cos it doesn't seem there is much point in being friends" 

There and then it looked certain how he was going to play this. I would be the bad guy with my apparent younger behaviour and therefore he would have to ask me to leave as he would not be able to cope, it is this 'tac-tic' that every person that is older than the other would use, however parents are quite straight to the point with it. Dave had clearly planned the outcome of the visit. I could have said anything at that stage and it would be like a landmine field so I needed to be extra careful where I was treading.

Not wanting to cut it short there, I wanted to hear what he had to say on the past eight months so I stuck around and calmed down and pleaded

"What do you expect? One minute you say this is a relationship and then next you're saying we have nothing in common! So why am I even here now Dave?"

I begged of him.

"I asked you over to explain, and to see if we can salvage some form of friendship from this"

I had mentioned the time we had in Chester over my birthday and of course Christmas and how one minute we were fine and the next there was something wrong. I did not mention any reservations I had with his Christmas gifts, it did not enter my head as it was irrelevant. Dave said he wanted to find someone to settle down with, but he did not know that I knew otherwise.

I had spent all this time looking for an answer from him and he would not give me one, so what was going to change that now?

We sat talking about how we were feeling and what we wanted. I went of on a tangent about how I felt about him and all I got, while pouring my heart out was the same glazed, vacant look he always gave whenever I had spoke, so still, he was not listening to me. Dave once again started bringing up feelings and what he wanted as though it was a consolation

"I do like you, but I want to settle down now and I don't think it's right holding each other back from that, it's hurting me too"

The whole time he spoke, his eyes; instead of being like the brown hypnotic whirlpools that I let myself be sucked into, were now like a shark's; black, soul less and they seemed dark like his being at this present time...hollow and I was looking for my metaphorical ladder (the truth) so I could pull myself out of the water. It was as though he did not know what to say and instead played the whole thing as he went along based on what I was saying and trying not to look like the bad guy. I would have been able to take the truth. He did not have to say anything harsh or soul destroying but he could have just said that the feeling was not there, it was looking that way anyway so he may as well have said it. The truth would have been the perfect book end to a bad experience, no arguing and just being able to walk away as there would be no more reason to linger, but for some reason Dave did not even want to risk the possibility of looking like the bad guy. However reading between the lines of the manipulation and the talking down, he was not exactly looking like Snow White.

So as he carried on saying he was hurting too and that he did not want this to happen, he then said that he had not been sleeping with anyone else, this was when I could pick him up in the conversation.

So I told Dave that I had looked through his phone and saw the Long Haired Lover and Mr. Chewy-Dick messages, again the same face but his jaw had now dropped, he literally was impersonating a Thunderbirds puppet.

"So why did you not ask about them?"

Dave asked. To which I responded

"Because I didn't know if it was anything to do with me as you had not given me your relationship crap and you would have just lied and claimed that they were friends anyway"

and then a silent pause. It was just so he could throw a lie together but at least it shown that he had listened properly as oppose to just finding a lie in what I was saying. However no longer being one to shock, Dave pulled out his excuse

"I slept with one around my birthday, which was only two months after we started seeing each other and I went for a drink with the other one who I did not sleep with and you know, his life was not exactly in order either"

I think that was an attempt at a justification. However I mentioned what was wrong in what he had just said by picking up on what was going on with me and Dave around both of them times:

"So you saw the chewy guy while we were seeing each other, which was vile when you asked me to do it that very same night to you and the long haired guy; the night when you said you were picking me up from the gym, I don't even live on the way home from the gym and you have the nerve to say that this was a relationship?

Do you not see what is wrong with this?"

once again Dave was sporting his famous vacant face and then said

"well you should have questioned me about it"

It was typical for Dave to turn it back on me. I was getting nowhere; sometimes we would be there throwing the blame back and forth as though it was some kind of sport but right now that was pointless, we both knew what was going on now and even though some insisted on it, there was no need for more lies.
I should have questioned him about it as maybe, just maybe, he could have let me know where I stood with him there and then but based on my knowledge of the character, I would have had an argument on my hands before I was fed lie after lie. Just then Liam called me, I did not answer the phone but I did text him letting him know that I would not be much longer. So as I finally admitted to myself that I was never going to get anywhere with Dave, in life or in conversation, I stood up and made my way to the door. I could feel the emotion starting to take over, so I swallowed, turned around and said

"I think I can try to be friends, but I need time"

Dave got up and walked towards me as I was putting my shoes on. He grabbed me, hugged me and just like that, I could not keep it in anymore. As I was making a complete clown of myself and showing how weak I had become, I sank even further and said

"I want you!"

Dave casually responded

"I know you do"

I was not quite sure what kind of response I was expecting, probably nothing but I was not expecting him to agree with me. Was he enjoying this? Was he enjoying the boost to his ego or was he just agreeing to keep peace?

Knowing there was no need for further analisation, I pulled myself away and said that I needed to go.

As I pulled away Dave said

"I meant what I said, I would like us to be friends"

I replied

"why?"

and then Dave gave me another open ended answer

"Well you know, I thought we got on and made each other laugh and maybe could go away together sometimes. You know, let's just see how things go, The course of true love never did run smooth.

That's from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, I studied that at A Level"

too exhausted to analyse and question further, I said

"OK"

I gave Dave a kiss, he clutched me as if to suggest that he may have really wanted it too but I accepted that in his mind, I could have been anyone at that moment and we can convince ourselves that we want something for a second but our feelings will always get in the way of any veil that we choose to cover up. Dave was just going through those motions to make it less harsh and easier for me to understand for it was now clear there had been nothing between us apart from the urge for a bit of fun eight months prior to all this pain I had pretty much signed up for.

I left feeling empty, I could feel myself on the verge of breaking down but there stood Liam at the end of the road and I knew I had to save face and let go to avoid looking like the fool I had become.

"The course of true love never did run smooth"

A Midsummer Night's Dream Act 1, Scene 1, 132-140

Repression Is The Best Medicine- Dose I

Two days after the death of what was, I was feeling down, I had tidied my flat completely...twice! I was not sure what else I could tidy, I needed something to occupy me so that I would not contemplate what a waste the last year had been.
I had to deal with it on my own with no one to talk to, none of my friends or family knew about me, they probably knew but I had not yet confirmed anything. I would be fine one minute with things to occupy me and then it would catch me unaware and I would be feeling down, it was tiring. So I mentally got myself back up and repressed every memory that I had of Dave, everything would be pushed aside in my mind every time it caught me unaware, I would just think of something completely unrelated and focus as hard as I could on that.
On the Wednesday, I went out with my other two musketeers Martin and Liam, we arranged to meet around Martin's house, Martin always hated me and Liam being late as me and Liam were like two old ladies when we got together drinking, so Martin had ordered us to get around his house as soon as possible, myself and Liam knew what was coming. We would arrive at Martin's all preened just to be put through the same motions of listening to the latest Grime/Hip Hop artist that Martin had discovered that week. Myself and Liam knew it would happen so it did not feel as painful when it did, we just drank even quicker, for some reason, I had taken a bottle of Champagne, so me and Liam drank that to ourselves to numb the pain of Martin's running commentary on the early choice of soundtrack.
The night was made slightly more tragic when some other friends turned up with a bottle of Champagne also... however the second bottle of Champagne brought by our friend Becky turned out to be none other than 'Bucks Fizz'...oh the shame, but we laughed it off when Becky cried

"What's the difference?"

 

Bless the poor girl, she could not even taste the difference as apparently between the two, the only difference was that one was

"Orange flavour"

After Becky had attempted to get her head around the tipple so far, we all decided to guzzle and go.

The night was a good night, I did not manage to think about the obvious at all, we drank, danced and drank some more and even bumped into people that we thought had fallen of the edge of the city. That was until we came to a halt, we decided to venture somewhere quiet, Martin was still stood firmly tall as though he was a famous battery bunny but myself and Liam were enjoying the time to calm down for a second and then the events from the beginning of the week hit me, wallowing in self pity I stood there feeling alone and I turned to Liam and said

"I've been sort of seeing someone since May and it came to an end this week"

Liam looked slightly in shock before turning away and casually joking

"Why? Did you and Dave suddenly decide to stop sticking things up each others bottoms?"

he turned his head back to me with a smug look on his face as if awaiting to receive his applause for such a profound comment, only to find me staring back with no expression on my face, just staring and probably not even blinking.

Liam's face evolved from smug to shocked, horrified even at the news. He turned to the others and cried

"Right, he needs a shit so we will be back in a minute!"

usually I would have been embarrassed to the core but I just nodded, disagreeing and followed Liam into the toilet. When we got in there, Liam cornered me

"Why haven't you told anyone?!"

to which I replied

"It's no one Else's business. Forget I said anything and let's go back outside"

Liam's tone became more firm, it was the alcohol but he seemed to want to know everything

"No! Why have you kept it to yourself?!"

I went on the defense and said

"you are only acting like this cos I have just told you, you would not know any different had I not said anything"

Liam seemed to sympathise

"No but you have, so why have you told me now?"

without wording it in a way to sound in control I gave in and said

"because I don't know how to deal with this"

Just then Martin came bursting through the door and shouted at the top of his lungs

"Have you two gays done bumming?"

to which Liam responded

"well, after years of holding everything in, it's all decided to come shooting out of this one tonight!"

We left the venue to go back to the haze of the dance floor. Once inside, I tried to lose everyone so I could escape and go home but Liam seemed to always be there, I told him I was leaving and He said

"Well, Martin seems to have disappeared so I'll come with you"

I assured him that I was not about to be a burden and that I would gladly go home alone but Liam insisted to at least walk home with me.

I did not know where to start, I wanted to tell him my intentions from the beginning so I did not look like some victim but I kept referring to Dave which confused the conversation as Liam asked

"So was this before or after Dave?"

I stuck to my story and tried to tell him as much in the right order until I got to 'the now' that was.

It was a long story and I think Liam did well to stay awake through it after drinking as much but he had his questions and seemed to sympathise.

I woke the next morning feeling mortified, I turned over and saw Liam looking right at me. To kill the awkwardness I said

"Hello, that Sorcha was a bit nice wasn't she?"

Liam lazily responded

"Hmm"

He clearly remembered so I asked

"Do you remember what I told you last night?"

Liam assertively answered

"YES! I thought you were going to try and cover it up with that Sorcha comment and be all like 'I like biff hole!'"

It was a relief, I guess I had cheated a little bit by telling the gay first but sexuality aside, he was probably the better person to confide with on that anyway.

Liam stayed with me the whole day as though I was an invalid, I felt quite calm, despite the repression feeling although it was healing me, it felt like a weight had been lifted, albeit drunk, talking to Liam. I spent the rest of the week talking to Liam about the matter. I told him that I had the urge to go over and just tell Dave how I felt but based on past experience, it would just be thrown back in my face as something completely different to what it actually was.

Later that day I received a text from Dave

"Hello, how you doing? would you like to meet up over the weekend for coffee so that we can talk?"

Liam, suggested it was too soon

"It's too soon and for him to suggest meeting up already just shows that he doesn't care about how you're feeling"

not usually being one to  give in, I agreed. Dave knew how I had felt about him, that's why he had kept me around as long as he did. He saw me as this impressionable being that he could take for a ride in more ways than one whenever it benefited him. I did not respond... until later that day when I did reply and agreed. Liam was full of sarcasm for the rest of the day but agreed to come with me in case it became too much.

"If you think it's going to be OK?"

The truth was that I did not think it would be OK, I was terrified, I had been repressing it all as much as I could that I had become scared that I would be turned into his subject/ Guinea Pig again.

On the Saturday, Liam walked with me so far and then went home, he said he will give me half an hour and come and wait for me. I did not know if that was going to be enough time. I predicted that once I was there that we would be talking around in circles  about who was to blame and who read what signals wrong and it would all end up open with unanswered questions as it was time to leave.

I walked towards the house ashamed of myself, if it was not enough to stick around when I was able to read the signs then going back for more when every was out in the open was bound to push me over the edge. I kept pushing all anxieties and hurt out of my head, thinking that all I need to do is get my answers and say goodbye. I became more nervous as I approached the door and again even more as I saw Dave's silhouette appear in the frosted glass...